Casual dating 2018

I (23M) am on the fence with ending things with my (21F) girlfriend of 2 years.

2020.09.28 03:25 ThrowRABuster I (23M) am on the fence with ending things with my (21F) girlfriend of 2 years.

We both started dating back in October 2018 where we both met on Tinder because she was in my city studying for a one-year diploma while I was studying finance at the local university. My girlfriend is from a very small town 1.5 hours away from my city. The first year of our relationship went great while she lived in an apartment with roommates and I’d visit frequently. After she got her one-year diploma she decided she wanted to further her education into a 4 year. However, 6 months ago her lease ran up with her roommates and she was getting very tired of them having lived with them in close quarters for almost 2 years. So, when her lease ended, I brought up maybe living with me and my family until she finishes school so she can still have a family dynamic around her and have cheaper rent while she pursues her studies. She has been living with me since April. During our whole relationship I always made sure she was happy she is very much a homebody and wants to one day move back in her small town and is hoping I’d move back with her when I’m done school as well.
I realized pretty early on in our relationship that there wasn’t going to be much corporate finance opportunities in such a small farm town. However, I always brushed it off and just decided that it was a future problem and there might be a chance she would like to live in my city instead of her town. After a year into our relationship I realized she really has her heart set on her small town. I thought maybe I could switch my major to something more useful in a small town like a general business degree or accounting. I started to resent school because I felt like studying finance was pointless because I wasn’t going to be getting a finance position in her town. I also started spending more time with her friends and family over mine and ended up losing quite a few friends.
I thought I wanted to live in her town but back one morning in August when we were visiting her family in her town, she brought up how relationships aren’t always 100% guaranteed and ours could end just like anyone else’s. She wasn’t wrong and I agreed but it rubbed me different and when we sat down for breakfast with all her family and her cousins who I befriended over the 2 years we have been dating. I realized she has the power to take all of it away from me. She can break up with me and all the friendships I’ve made in her small town can be turned against me because those friendships were made through her. I also did realize if me and her did break up while we lived there, I would have no choice but to move back home to my parent’s place. Another realization I came to was that I was not hating studying finance anymore in fact I was just telling myself to dislike it so I could make my girlfriend happy and move with her to her small town.
I tried casually bringing up my predicament to my girlfriend, but she always would get frustrated and say that we absolutely have to live in her town and there were no ifs or buts about it. I realized that I needed to have a serious talk about it with her so 2 weeks ago I sat her down and explained to her how I would like to work in my city because there’s a ton of employment opportunities and not so many in her town and that being so far away from my family could stress me out just as much as she is stressed studying far away from her family. I lightly suggested the possibility of separating ways but she got offended and said that “the only reason we’d break up is because you’re too selfish to compromise”. I didn’t think compromising was on the table considering how many times she’s told me that we have to live in her town and absolutely nowhere else. So, we decided not to end things and to compromise where we could live somewhere in the middle. Somewhere I am able to commute into my city to work downtown and she is able to visit her family in her town with a reasonable commute time as well. In retrospect she did seem pretty hurt that I did not want to live in her town anymore.
Everything was pretty normal that week until the weekend came up when she went to visit her family in her town, and I stayed behind because I worked that weekend. When she came back, she told me that she discussed our relationship problems with all of her aunts and uncles and grandparents, she even discussed it with our friends. I told her I was not too happy she aired our dirty laundry like that and that in the future if she could refrain from doing that again. Instead she told me that her family was offended that I did not want to live in her small town and they think I’m “money hungry” and that I need to realize that there’s more to life than just work and that her small town is perfect to raise a family in. I was offended because I truly do like the finance field and would work in it regardless of the salary. She then told me she didn’t want to compromise and that she doesn’t have to compromise because I “lied” to her all this time about wanting to live in her small town and then all of the sudden not wanting to live there anymore was not right of me. She gave me an ultimatum and said that if we didn’t agree on having our future in her town then we would have to end things.
I was scared and shocked because I thought things were going to work out and that talk felt like it came out of nowhere and that it was scripted from her family. So, I lied to her and said that I was willing to live there and that was the end of that fight. However, since that talk, I have realized I have started to resent her for giving me such an ultimatum and I have noticed that I have a shorter temperature and get easily annoyed with her much more. We have been getting into more fights and usually I am the one who calms the fights down, but I’ve realized I don’t care about stopping the fights anymore. Part of me is scared because what if I am ok with working in her small town in a more lax business related position but after realizing how her nosy her family is do I really want to be surrounded by them and only them in such a small town? I have no idea what to do in this situation and have never been this confused in my life. I think it is time for things to end but I am absolutely terrified to have that talk with her again.
TL;DR: My girlfriend wants us to move back to her small hometown but I want to work in finance which doesn’t have a lot of opportunity in finance, and she won’t budge. I think I need to end things but I’m terrified that I will possibly regret it.
submitted by ThrowRABuster to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.27 18:06 CyrusWaugh All Taylor Swift Albums Ranked (2006-2020)

And now we've reached the beginning of the end of CountryMusicStuff's first appreciation week, I loved every bit of this process, even when I was stressed out with deadlines, I kept pushing forward for you guys as a community, this has been the most fun I've had with the sub in a long time and I can't wait to explore other big and underappreciated artists. After 8 albums its time to answer the big one, which album stands tall above the rest, I'd love to know your opinion, even though I'm not touching Taylor Swift for a long time after this, I'll give a little shoutout here and there when I see it fitting. A lot of people this week have come together to appreciate all the music she's put out, and I don't want it to fade away. I'm gonna announce the placements Drum Corps style because this has built up a lot of momentum over the past week, also this was not easy, a lot of these albums were highly competitive, some rose in placement, some did not, a majority of the scores were really tight, and I'm being as critical as can be, because the fanboy in me would put all these albums around 8 or 9 out of 10.


In 8th Place With A Score Of 6.9/10:


8. Lover (2019)
Lover is last for me, as I feel like it has a lot to offer, but it fails to be cohesive, the sound ranges from candy sounding pop, to 80's synth style, to the style of Reputation and country, it's a mess in terms of lyrics and production. There a few instances where we get the peak of Taylor's vocal performance and writing skills, but mostly it feels contrived and lazy. Also this isn't last for my disdain of the trash that is the man, the album score is the average of my song ratings, so The Man only counts for 5.5% of the score. 1 song doesn't determine where I place a record. I've seen records where I give one song a 1/10 and the rest are 8,9 or 10 out of 10, and I give it a high score. The writing and sound for a lot of the record, is kind of dated, to be honest, songs like ME! or You Need To Calm Down's sound was already done 2016 and 2017, and in 2019, the sound of music changed drastically, either trap songs by DaBaby, or mellow pop songs by Billie Eilish and Post Malone trended, I'm not saying it failed as it has sold 4 million worldwide which in the streaming era is huge, and it still landed to be the most popular album of 2019, but chart wise this album didn't land, for an artist a few years back was a head of the times it feels on this record she's playing catch up.

In terms of the tracks themselves, this is the only record where I actually hate some of the tracks, them being The Man, I Think He Knows, and I Forgot That You Existed, one being dishonest lyricism and the other 2 being lazily produced and sung, normally I can pick up on something I like but not on Knows or Existed, out of context The Man is fun, but using my brain I can tell its the worst of the 3. Then we get into the decent section which is, Miss Americana, False God, You Need To Calm Down, and Death By A Thousand Cuts, these tracks are give or take, you may like the lyrics which are clever or honest, while you get bad production, like on Death By A Thousand Cuts, which is pretty descriptive but it suffers from a lot of the production concerning her vocals or in You Need To Calm Down where it is a jam, but the lyrics are lazy, and pandering, and how she keep's singing to haters and critics, why? There was a whole record dedicated to this, why do you keep bringing it up. And if you are going to, be clever about it, like Blank Space or Delicate. Then there's the good tracks that have a decent balance of both, like ME!, or Paper Rings, these tracks are often silly in their lyricism, which is okay, I'm cool with dumb silly songs, and the production really reflects the seriousness these songs lack, there are some tracks where the lyrics are so dumb and the instrumentation is advanced and beautiful, they don't fit together usually, so these tracks offer the middle lane.

The great tracks are the ones where we get to see inside her head, her personal stories, such as The Archer, which actually does a good job in describing the battle of her reputation, not addressing the haters but her own personal perspective, her relationship with Alwyn is on full display with Lover, which is one of the biggest standouts of the record, where get arguably the best bridge of her career, Luke Combs does pretty good ones, but Taylor is on a whole other level, even on tracks that aren't as great, she puts a lot of effort into bridges. Her matured view point of relationships in Cornelia Street, how this relationship is getting so good, and how if they fail, she's afraid to walk that street because its a scar. And the crown jewel of the album, Soon You'll Get Better, which is dedicated to her mother diagnosed with a terminal illness, beautifully written, I can hear every emotion going through her head, and it is heartbreaking. The record offers some of her best songs, my favorite melodies and lyrics, Just because it is barely misses a 7/10, doesn't mean don't listen to it, still 80% of this record I still listen to, I judge songs intellectually, so in terms of fun, this is around 7.5 or 8, if you are getting into pop for the first time after listening to country all your life, this is a good way to enter the genre and what to expect.


In 7th Place With A Score Of 7.4/10


7. Reputation (2017)
Reputation is considered by many to be her worst album, and majority of the people who say that, only listened to the singles, this album's opening is supposed to break your perspective, I think it is also dated, this sound of EDM, Trap was big with people like The Chainsmokers and Imagine Dragons and they were already on the decline, but while it doesn't hold up compared to the other records, there is a lot I like on it, Taylor's songwriting skills are still here, even if vocally and instrumentally it isn't, even on the bombastic EDM I Did Something Bad, there is still quality, and personally I like the production, the overall package isn't as intelligent as I'd like it to be but by the second chorus it brings it. Even on my least favorite track This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, while pretty forgettable melodically, is really raw in the writing, detailing how people have betrayed her over the years, and highlights her feud with Kanye West, also if you're interested in the context for a majority of the songs, I highly recommend the Netflix Documentary, Miss Americana, I skip over the political nonsense, but you get to see her mind set in her modern songs especially in Lover and Reputation.
The singles themselves are bombastic like Look What You Made Me Do and ...Ready For It, people's complaints are valid, it really comes down to personal preference, most people when listening to pop, tend to go for their ears rather than their brains, its easier when listening to country music, as the best of it reflect both instrumentation and lyrics, pop is a lot harder as songs for casual listeners are carried by the production, so she has my respect, for putting intellectualism in this style, the only other artist I think that used to be able to do something similar, was 21 Pilots but they've turned into a joke imo. The record really is divided into 2 parts, the dark and heavy sounding side which is all about her reputation and the other is her personal stories, which has a lot lighter production style, with songs like Gorgeous, if I were to put a song from Lover and Gorgeous together, you'd probably think they came from the same album, I tried it once, and that is what got a friend of mine to check out Reputation. Also quick side note, Her concert at Metlife Stadium 2018, is arguably the best concert I've been to, then again I've only been to 4 or 5, which were Toby Keith, Midland, Florida Georgia Line, and I wanna say David Allen Coe, I can't really remember, I was pretty young at the time and it was raining that day in Metlife.
The remainder songs actually highlight her new style or throwback to previous styles from older records, my favorite of the new style being So It Goes, its semi-dirty, and I gag to That's My Kind Of Night, but So It Goes is my jam. Don't Blame Me, has a electronic bass drop gospel feel to me, and while not that great lyrically, makes up for how much on an ear worm it is. Getaway Car is a fantastic metaphor, and is a great throwback to 1989, how she talks about a man, being a getaway car, and her guilt of using him like that. Dancing With Our Hands Tied is another great example of her growing skill of unique storytelling in describing relationships. Delicate is my favorite of the entire album, and highlights how she sorta disappeared for a year in the media's eyes, and how all eyes are on her, and you get a sense of freedom when there's no one watching you, the vocals are so soothing, and the drum loop blends in so well, and according to Grady, he calls it his "Chill Jam" I completely agree, then there's the elephant in the room, Look What You Made Me Do at the time really divided the fan base, but overtime this became a beloved piece of pop culture, it is lyrically so interesting, the chorus is a turn off for people, but after listening to this track tens of times, it's become on of my favorite tracks in her entire catalog. Then the closing track New Years Day, without a doubt the best track, highlighting how true love isn't in kissing, their body, or sex, its in their actions, how something as small as cleaning up after a party does so much, Overall yes I enjoy Reputation, I encourage those scared of checking out this record, give it a listen in its entirety, it's better than you think.

In 6th Place With A Score Of 7.5/10


6. Taylor Swift (2006)
To all the traditionalists before you downvote this because her countriest record is placed 6th, hear me out. Yes sonically her first record is the best. As is the case for a lot of artists in Nashville during the 2000's. But lyrically, this certainly isn't her greatest. Arguably this album is revolutionary for its key role in the start of the bro era, now I'm not comparing her to bro artists, but if you pay close attention, after 2006, you begin to see a rise in her more bro like songs charting slowly. And in this record, you get all the bro tropes, like Trucks, someones eyes, jeans, dirt roads. I certainly think she did a better job at describing adjectives than most artists, I'd put her around the same level of HARDY in that aspect, but simple adjectives are simple adjectives and there's no getting around that. And while there is a lot of traditional country sounds, to help make up for this issue, around 25% of this record leans in the 2000's pop rock trend, and that lowers my opinion of a lot especially with songs like Invisible which sounds awkward vocally for me, or A Perfectly Good Heart, I think the 2 styles in both the lyricism and instrumentation don't blend together great, and similar to how I view songs like Hey Cowgirl by Randall King, the sound might be beautiful but the lyrics are still pretty simple. She was starting to write songs at 16, she hasn't really sharpened her skills yet, this is evident on tracks like I'm Only Me When I'm With You, its sweet and fun but arguably besides the instrumentation and vocals, this is a 7/10 song, and others songs like this include Cold As You, The Outside, Stay Beautiful, all great, but I think we can agree these aren't masterpieces.
But while I approach this brutally in some of your eyes, there is still a lot I adore on the record. Our Song is a jam and while simplistic, that's the intention, the melody is as iconic to me as say something like Toes By Zac Brown Band. Picture To Burn is just a blast all the way through, that offer a lot more than a majority of the other tracks on the record, they let the instruments shine more often, you can tell she had a lot more fun with these 2 tracks than the others. The more mature songs signaled that the best of Taylor Swift was yet to come, Teardrops On My Guitar, A Place In This World, are the standouts for me as these are the stories I connected to more, I'm in my final year of high school and I this record feels so nostalgic. Teardrops captures a feeling we've all felt at one point of our lives, it's not that big lyrically, but it has so much emotion, it feels so raw and pure. Then there's Tim McGraw which was the prequel to one of the most iconic tracks of the 2010's Springsteen, who knows, maybe Eric Church was inspired by it to write his own perspective. Tim McGraw is captures every element I love and brings it all together, the great lyrics, the fantastic instrumentation and emotional vocal performance. Her first record may be your favorite, like I said almost all of them are close in striking distance for me, originally I had this in 5th place, but after listening to it 3 more times I came to accept that while the sound is gorgeous, there was just as much quality in her later years.


In 5th Place With A Score Of 7.6/10


5. Red (2014)
Red as I've said before is her most important record, which was her smooth transition of genres from country to pop, as you can tell by the ratings is a pretty good album, but while this does have the least amount of 6/10's for me, it is overwhelmed with 7/10's. 63% percent of this record is 7/10 for me. And for a pop record which I view it as, that's pretty good, it's extremely hard to make an intellectual pop record in this day and age. Most artists like Camila Cabello or Shawn Mendes while great performers don't put much brains into their songs and you're left with a 5/10 record. Red played it safe in terms of it leaning into the pop genre further than it ever did with songs like 22 and I Knew You Were Trouble. It's what I like to call a wholesome album, which is an album which intellectual and casual listeners can enjoy, songs with so much heartfelt moments, and fun moments people can universally enjoy.
So the fun moments for me are definitely songs like 22 and We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, 22 is more of a bubblegum anthem, and those never really have vivid imagery, but this does put me in scenarios I've been in, like breakfast at midnight, however I will never EVER!!! go to a club. So there goes the relatableness. But still that melody is impossible not to enjoy (unless you're trigger) We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together is my favorite of the pop tracks, I don't think she's had as much fun in a recorded track, its a jam, still had a grudge as it was pushed to country, but still a lot of 2013 singles weren't country. Stay Stay Stay, is another fun little jam that border lines pop with modern country. It is harmless, hilarious and a good time throughout all of it. The S Tier of this record lies within the the opening and ending track, which is State Of Grace, and Begin Again, State Of Grace, shows the beginning of the end for her country career. I regret never seeing this song live, I adore it, and Begin Again, is her farewell to the genre, we get everything I love in a mature Swift song, beautiful instrumentation, compelling lyrics and sensitive vocals. And then imo the best track of the record: All To Well, so well written, beautifully sung, so perfectly built up to this dramatic conclusion. Red, is the safest record she's done, but the best of the record, is some of the best Taylor Swift has to offer.


In 4th Place With A Score Of 7.6/10


4. Fearless (2008)
This is what I call the golden age of Taylor Swift, drawing a fine line between mature lyrics and great instrumentation. This is the second time I've seen an album average out the same score, so to break it , I counted which album had the most 9/10's and here we are. Fearless brings back to a time, where I didn't have to worry about college, who I'm going to be, all I had to worry about was band and maintaining good grades. Her voice is slowly getting deeper and I got a feeling idolism. It is was my first record Taylor Swift record and I cherish it as much as I do for Chief By Eric Church, arguably 3 records broadened my perspective of the potential of country music, them being This One's For You and these 2. I've talked so much about my love of the album and I've yet to highlight why the album is good.
Definitely the simplistic parts of her writing haven't been fleshed out yet, so you have a hand full of 6/10's but they are improvements from her first record. Like Hey Stephen, to me it is clever but I find the melody extremely tedious. The Best Day, I'm sorry if you guys love this one I just don't see it, it feels too perky and you guys describe this to be over emotional, but I can't be on the same page with this. The Way I Loved You, is a bro song, her first 3 albums heavily inspired the lyrical aspect of the bro era, and I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing. Still all of these songs are good especially when I compare it to songs today. This is also her 2nd best single output for her 8 records. The singles here aren't just great for radio, their great overall. You Belong With Me is impossible not to sing along to when it comes on when we play music on the bus after a competition. This was the peak of 2000's pop. Like Robert California from the office, I don't like the Blacked Eyed Peas, I wasn't a fan of the output for a majority of these artists like Usher, or Eminem, so to hear this everywhere was amazing. White Horse is arguably the best lyrically, with how it progresses the story, but Love Story is the perfect balance those 2 songs possess. Great story production, unforgettable melodies and the best sounding song on the record. Fearless for a long time was my favorite record, it was my childhood (the parts I can remember)


In 3rd Place Receiving My Bronze Medal With A Score Of 7.8/10


3. Speak Now (2010)
Speak Now had the highest expectations from me, given how much I loved the previous record and for a long time I always viewed it as inferior to Fearless, it wasn't till this even where I realized its slight superiority. My only real complaint is how I'm not a big fan of the punk rock sound a few tracks had, but still the tracks were good nonetheless. For a long time I viewed this as her most mature record, where we got to see more of her life as a celebrity rather than stories from her past. There was a lot of innovation with the record as she also experimented with orchestras for the tracks Haunted and Back To December, both capturing the theme the lyrics capture, Haunted obviously bring out haunting melodies and Back To December, bring out sincereness. You could tell she relied less and less on the high school narrative, she really uses it 2 or 3 times imo.
A lot of the stories are so unique and feel interconnected in what I think the album's theme is which suppression of emotion. Speak Now the title track is about expressing love to some one who is about to marry the wrong woman, this is a perfect example of suppressed emotion as she does consider this is wrong, but she's tired of hiding it. Back To December is about swallowing pride rather than making a song about the man in the relationship being the wrong, this track is about how she was. Never Grow Up show's her side that never wished she grew up, how everything that matters to her aren't selling out shows, making millions but her family, I can tell I'm in the minority when say it's my favorite track, Better Than Revenge is her unleashing all her bitterness on Joe Jonas. Mean doesn't really convey the them of suppression, but still it's MEAN. The sound of it is amazing, it's pretty goofy, but that's why I love it. Dear John is the longest and most emotional roller coaster out of any Swift song, perfectly paced, unleashing all of her emotions about what I assume to be John Mayer, but I still have my doubts, take him out of the context, doesn't do a darn thing, I love this song just as much. Normally long songs eventually get me bored, but not Dear John I am moved by its haunting somber melody, the build up to her powerful vocals and one of her most compelling stories. Dear John while not my favorite, is what universally unites all fans of this record. This is currently the best country record she's ever made, who knows, Red is creeping up in appreciation, I learn a new detail every time I listen to a Taylor Swift record, so a year from now this record could be 5th or 6th or 2nd or 1st.


Receiving My Silver Medal With A Score Of 8/10
2. folklore (2020)
I don't think many people realize how much of a game changer this record is. I've argued Taylor has played catch up with Reputation and Lover, but once again she's ahead of the game. This blends several genres at once, country, soft jazz, rock, folk, pop and it doesn't feel disjointed. Without a doubt the most mature and well written record of her career as of now. If folklore was a country album, and given today's standards it is, I'd put it as the #1 album in the mainstream even above Never will by Ashley McBryde, the current leader of this year. Every single song is a fantastic album cut, it has changed the game for how she writes her songs, she's taken new perspective when singing about how she keeps up with appearances, new perspectives in break up and high school songs. The Saltbox House Chapter is a story line the spans off 4 songs, I don't remember the last time something like this has been tried, I'm sure it has but it's been a hell of a long time.
The weakest song on this track is still something with so much effort put in, Seven's only major issues are vocal and melodical, lyrically it tells the story of a forgotten friend, and she can remember everything but her physical details. One great example of new ways of writing about her reputation, is The Last Great American Dynasty, instead of talking about herself which she's prone to do a lot. She sings about others and in this case, her Rhode Island home's previous owner. It's very compelling and one of my favorite lyrically, but similar to how much I love Round Here Buzz, the percussion here is too big of a problem. The 1 definitely feels like an outlier, as it doesn't really go in the theme of the saltbox house story line, or her new perspective of her appearance. But still it's fun to listen to. I can picture myself walking through grey skies in downtown for school listening to this record. When I walk alone, I like to be alone with my thoughts and this record allows me to reach that state, even simple songs like this one.
Her songs about her and Alwyn are so wholesome, Invisible String is all about how an invisible string tied them together and they didn't know it. Little details of where they would've met earlier, places they've been to. Peace is about how while they are together, people will always look for cracks to get a story, and he doesn't are if its peaceful. Alwyn seems like the one for Taylor and I hope they last, he's better than everyone she's ever been with. I wouldn't be shocked if an engagement would be announced in the next few months as this song has finally brought her full circle as she's finally ready to commit, after everything she's been through. Mirrorball tugs at my heartstrings more than any song on the record, how she's giving everything she has in her songs, and each detail of heartbreaking her life is a crack in a disco ball. The world of music is heading into 2 directions, the trap path, which is a young generation singing in vulgar.
The Saltbox House Chapter is undeniably the best part of the record, Cardigan, is a great lead single, while not my favorite, it deserves a Grammy nomination, as does the record, most can agree 2020, was mostly a trash year for pop/r&b/hip-hop/etc, and country music is actually getting good, with quality returning more and more with people like Maddie & Tae and Ingrid Andress. August my 3rd favorite track, fills the gaps left in cardigan. We get the details of how James was seduced, how this unnamed lover felt, her joy, her guilt, and sadness. This is Taylor Swift in her prime, something she's hasn't really been in for 6 years. Betty, which is climbing faster than New Years Day, or Soon You'll Get Better ever did, is becoming a defining part of country music for 2020. Betty was the entire reason appreciation week happened, after I was done smashing stuff after the load of crap that was the ACM awards, I reminded myself of how perfect Taylor's return was. Betty in terms of structure is 2020's love story, great storytelling and the key change implies a happy ending. But Illicit Affairs takes it over the top where we get the perspective of James and the unnamed girl, every dirty vivid detail on full display. Folklore brought back the Taylor I knew as a kid, she's changed drastically in the past 14 years, and this is a sign of maturity I can respect, I do have my problems with her but this isn't the place to discuss them nor do they damage my perspective of how talented and heartwarming she is. Folklore isn't going to be for everyone, this is an intellectual album, there isn't a jam piece like ME! or Delicate, its her being the best version of herself on full display for the world to see.
And Finally In First Place Receiving My Gold Medal With A Score Of 8.8/10
1. 1989 (2014)
To put it simply 1989, is one of the greatest records ever made, I use 3 lines when I describe my praise in reviews like this and that's favorite, best and finally greatest, favorite is pretty simple, I like this song in a non-intellectual manner, it's great not in critical aspects and mostly relies on earworm melodies and licks. Examples are Tequila, or Marry Me. Best is what I use to describe what is critically great. How good is the instrumentation, the lyrics, vocals, production, examples of Best are Mr. Misunderstood, Seneca and Heartache Medication, Greatest is a combination of both but with a 3rd factor, and that is revolutionizing music all together. 1989 broke music, starting a trend that would bring me back into the pop world after I abandoned it around 2009. 1989 would change the songwriting styles and production value of many albums for years to come, in away its the here's to the good times for pop music, difference is this would improve the genre over time, not damage it. 1989 simply is a perfect pop record. Now I say perfect pop record, not perfect album there are problems with it, but a perfect pop album, to me is an album with an engaging sound, unforgettable melodies, rhythmically well tuned lyrics, and great vocal production. 1989 even its weakest moments accomplishes everything.
The opening track Welcome To New York, engages you into a thrilling setting, I'm about 15 minutes away from NYC, and while most of it is a rat hole, my first real experience by myself was this song, it is an instant classic, and I'm still mad it wasn't pushed as a single. When I take off for college this is my theme song when I leave as chances are I'm moving to New York to study Music Education. Up until folklore 1989 handled her songs about her you know what (I'm sick of using that word) Out Of The Woods, is about her wondering if she can finally relax with whoever she was dating at the time, as the paparazzi made it their mission to sniff around her personal life. I Wish You Would, while my least favorite is still a great song that probably would've hit #1 like every other single released on here. The irony of song feels so realistic, as the awkwardness and fear of a breakup can make our minds run wild of what the other is thinking, yes both Woods and Would are pretty repetitive in their melody but still they are great pop songs, compared to other songs trending in 2014, Ariana Grande is not my cup of tea, I'll never listen to her unless it's a song from Victorious. Bang Bang was mediocre at best, the literal garbage that is Anaconda. The only artists that really caught my interest was Maroon 5 and Ed Sheeran, and really only their singles did, this whole record captured me.
All You Had To Do Was Stay marks the line from the good to the great pop songs, those are jams, but Stay highlights realistic issues in a fun manner, the toughest part of relationship is arguably enduring. And by leaving you show you're not ready and not the one. This Love, could arguably be called a country song, if you use 2010 standards, its beautiful if not a bit repetitive. The only real issue the record has is how repetitive the record can get in terms of lyrics. Clean is my least favorite in terms of production and percussion, but still great lyrical messaging of how going through a breakup is like ripping off a band-aid, it will hurt no matter what, the best you can do is endure the pain and once it passes you'll clean and free of most of the pain. I Know The Places was the first hint of the reputation era, and it's all about escaping the media vultures. Pretty simple messaging, but pretty descriptive in it's rap verses. Her metaphors are well put, how they are foxes, and they will hunt them down. How You Get The Girl is another synth smash, giving simple dating advice, for both short and long term. It's a jam and honestly nothing more, with a little bit story driven details sprinkled in.
But the biggest reason this record is #1 and stands tall above the rest is the big 5: Shake It Off, Blank Space, Bad Blood, Style, and Wildest Dreams. One of the greatest single outputs ever in the history of music. Most lead singles sell around 2-3 million, and the other generic ones make around 800k. In 1989, 1 surpassed 12 million 3 surpassed 5 million and 1 passed 3 million. The only record last decade to surpass it in numbers was 21 by Adele, and it's Adele, who is extremely tough to beat, and in terms of single output I still prefer this over 21. The only album that I probably enjoy more in terms of singles in the pop world is ÷ by Ed Sheeran, and even then, you can tell in terms of a lot of the album process this record was heavily inspired by 1989.
Bad Blood is my least favorite as its the most repetitive of the bunch and while Kendrick Lamar spiced it up it didn't change my view as much. Still that opening intro is fantastic, it's what Reputation wish it could be in terms of sound. Still salty we didn't play this in Marching Band. And even so lyrically a lot of interesting stuff is going on especially in the bridge. Shake It Off while never holding up to its standard is one her best jams, alongside New York, 22 and Delicate. Some people don't like the douche like bridge, I can understand and respect that, but I act like such a kid when singing along to it. For once I thought she's rising above it all, (boy what a lie that was!) Wildest Dreams restructured the sound of a lot of slow tempo contemporary ballads. It's beautifully sung, and gives off the emotion of pleasurable guilt, I can see the influence of Lana Del Rey, and that and this 80's synth remaster give the perfect combination. Style is the best song in terms of production, nothing over the past 14 years has been able to claim that title. For about 3 years it was my favorite pop song only being surpassed by Castle On The Hill. But still I listen to this track more than any Luke Combs song, Eric Church song, or any other song from indie and Texas artist. Style gives me an emotional rush, some of y'all will be pissed with how high I rate it tomorrow, as the lyrics I admit aren't substantive, but the production is something I haven't let go of for 6 long years, Blank Space is the best of the 5 and the record as while not a return to form sonically, it is a return in terms of storytelling. Brief little details of how she behaves, her next boyfriend, highlighting and summarizing every relationship she's ever been up till 2016. No one has truly escaped her wrath in songwriting, it is arguably her peak in pop, and I'm still considering where it will end up on my list.
I do acknowledge when I praise this record it has it's problems, most are in terms of lyrical maturity, I gave it a 8.8/10, if I wasn't as critical as I was put this record around 9.3/10. There are better records out there like Pageant Material by Kacey Musgraves, The Tree by Lori McKenna, but while they are better critically in my eyes, I'll be honest, I would choose this record a thousand times. This record has one thing they don't, this record is unforgettable, if I live to 70 or 80, the 3 records that will always stay with me are Mr. Misunderstood, Seneca and 1989. Fearless is the golden age of Taylor Swift, Red is her most important record, Folklore is her most mature record, but 1989 is her Magnum Opus. It defied all of my expectations with how she handled Red, Mr. Misunderstood is the best mainstream country record of the decade in my eyes, 1989 is the not only the best pop record of this decade, but one of best of the century regardless of genre. It revolutionized the sound of music, changing it for the better, brought me back to a genre I abandoned for shallowness in every aspect, it somehow reignited that spark it had missed for several years. And that's why to me it is the crown achievement of Taylor Swift.
submitted by CyrusWaugh to CountryMusicStuff [link] [comments]


2020.09.27 11:11 jsrd4 How do resolve a sex worker dependency?

DISCLAIMER: sex work is legal in my country
The past 3 years have been very concerning for me. This is in large part due to the fact that I have gone on a massive spending spree seeing shitloads of sex workers. In 2017 and 2018 I spent a total of $NZ3,000 on sex workers. Initially it wasn't so bad, as I was spending $60-80 per week on an escort. However, beginning in late 2019 it begun to increase drastically and it became commonplace for me to spend $200 per head. I am now 25 and in my last semester of university. While I have extended family that have set aside $10,000 for me to cover my student loans, I am concerned whether this spending is going to gradually negatively impact me in years to come. Prior to Covid-19, I was on a supported living payment, earning money sporadically playing gigs as a musician with fees raging from $150-300, which I would set aside and not spend on SWs.
There are a number of factors that has led me to spending this ungodly amount of money on SWs:
  1. Sexual curiosity - being able to fuck certain types of women that I cannot/seldom find going out approaching to date/fuck women (Polynesian, black and large breasted women - that vast majority of women I approach tend to be white), as well as being curious about things such as sexual massage.
  2. Being very knitpicky with the types of women I want to date.
  3. Not generating a sufficient amount of interest from women that want to be involved in recurring sexual relationships.
  4. Being underwhelmed with online dating apps (I was permabanned from Tinder a few years ago).
  5. low prices were an initial excuse/rationale to go and fuck SWs.
I am adventurous, active, curious, study music, play music, like to spend time out of the house and I am gradually in the process of cultivating solid friendships. I have made a considerable, proactive effort to meet women and ask them out on dates. However, I feel that I am not achieving that optimum results I want - this has especially been compounded by Covid-19.
There are several financial incentives I have made over the past years to not see workers - including saving money to buy new headphones, shoes, driving lessons, gear, instruments etc. However, I have trouble maintaining this incentive and my sexual impulses and curiosity are getting the better of me.
I attempted to resolve this issue by opting instead to spend money on sex parties. The issues with this however arose. Prior to the first and second lockdowns in my country, sex parties were few and far between and off course they ceased during the lockdowns. Most of the swinger parties allowing single guys were either fully booked or were underwhelming and involved me awkwardly loitering around with the other single dudes.
I have attempted to resolve this repeatedly by diversifying my interests and broadening the types of activities I am doing within a given week, however I am unsure whether I am doing a enough in this regard. I am a very sexual person and a sex positive person at that, but it's probably likely that I have some blindspots. I did Skype coach back in 2016, but going on a strip club binge resulted in me haulting coaching. I have been on a good number of dates since then, but I only one of them has resulted in a friends with benefits type relationship. There have been good deal of casual encounters, happening sporadically - I had three in between the two lockdowns in June and July.
I think the core of the issue here stems from casually browsing listings for the "sake of curiosity". This has been almost a daily habit, if so a timewaster that has resulted in me spending hours finding the "best deal" and "the most alluring women who are either busty, 40+ or brown/black". I get psychologically attached to these listings and start developing fantasies of these sex workers advertising themselves. Is there a way I can withdraw from this activity that doesn't involve installing filtering apps (I have tried this and this doesn't work).
This hasn't been severely impacting my studies, but I feel that I really need to realign my financial properties and start saving.
There are several compromises I have experimented with:
  1. No spending over $100
  2. No booking than 1 booking a month.
  3. Go for sensual massage instead of sex.
  4. Only go to sex workers who are a) black/brown b) 40+ c) tall and curvy or d) busty - E cup+
Do you think it's a good idea to choose and stick with one of these options? Is it better for me to quit sex workers altogether?
I am serious about making a career out of music. However it's inevitable that at this point in time, that I would need to be making money outside of music in order to move out of my parent's place and buying and maintaining gear. Is living with parents and living off a job seeker's benefits detrimental to moving forward beyond this? The problem I am encountering with employment is finding work that 1) adequately pays and 2) that I am qualified to do - many job vacant listings out there are specialized and require specialist qualifications and experience (i.e. retail, hospitality, education, painting, poster hanging, delivery etc). I am working on getting fully licenced to broaden my job opportunities.
There have been a few instances over the past few months where I have quit seeing SWs for up to a month: December of 2017, June of 2019 and April-May of 2020. But I need external help/guidance here.
submitted by jsrd4 to overcoming [link] [comments]


2020.09.27 11:08 jsrd4 How do I resolve my sex worker dependency?

DISCLAIMER: sex work is legal in my country

The past 3 years have been very concerning for me. This is in large part due to the fact that I have gone on a massive spending spree seeing shitloads of sex workers. In 2017 and 2018 I spent a total of $NZ3,000 on sex workers. Initially it wasn't so bad, as I was spending $60-80 per week on an escort. However, beginning in late 2019 it begun to increase drastically and it became commonplace for me to spend $200 per head. I am now 25 and in my last semester of university. While I have extended family that have set aside $10,000 for me to cover my student loans, I am concerned whether this spending is going to gradually negatively impact me in years to come. Prior to Covid-19, I was on a supported living payment, earning money sporadically playing gigs as a musician with fees raging from $150-300, which I would set aside and not spend on SWs.
There are a number of factors that has led me to spending this ungodly amount of money on SWs:
  1. Sexual curiosity - being able to fuck certain types of women that I cannot/seldom find going out approaching to date/fuck women (Polynesian, black and large breasted women - that vast majority of women I approach tend to be white), as well as being curious about things such as sexual massage.

2) Being very knitpicky with the types of women I want to date.

3) Not generating a sufficient amount of interest from women that want to be involved in recurring sexual relationships.
4) Being underwhelmed with online dating apps (I was permabanned from Tinder a few years ago).
5) low prices were an initial excuse/rationale to go and fuck SWs.
I am adventurous, active, curious, study music, play music, like to spend time out of the house and I am gradually in the process of cultivating solid friendships. I have made a considerable, proactive effort to meet women and ask them out on dates. However, I feel that I am not achieving that optimum results I want - this has especially been compounded by Covid-19.
There are several financial incentives I have made over the past years to not see workers - including saving money to buy new headphones, shoes, driving lessons, gear, instruments etc. However, I have trouble maintaining this incentive and my sexual impulses and curiosity are getting the better of me.
I attempted to resolve this issue by opting instead to spend money on sex parties. The issues with this however arose. Prior to the first and second lockdowns in my country, sex parties were few and far between and off course they ceased during the lockdowns. Most of the swinger parties allowing single guys were either fully booked or were underwhelming and involved me awkwardly loitering around with the other single dudes.
I have attempted to resolve this repeatedly by diversifying my interests and broadening the types of activities I am doing within a given week, however I am unsure whether I am doing a enough in this regard. I am a very sexual person and a sex positive person at that, but it's probably likely that I have some blindspots. I did Skype coach back in 2016, but going on a strip club binge resulted in me haulting coaching. I have been on a good number of dates since then, but I only one of them has resulted in a friends with benefits type relationship. There have been good deal of casual encounters, happening sporadically - I had three in between the two lockdowns in June and July.
I think the core of the issue here stems from casually browsing listings for the "sake of curiosity". This has been almost a daily habit, if so a timewaster that has resulted in me spending hours finding the "best deal" and "the most alluring women who are either busty, 40+ or brown/black". I get psychologically attached to these listings and start developing fantasies of these sex workers advertising themselves. Is there a way I can withdraw from this activity that doesn't involve installing filtering apps (I have tried this and this doesn't work).
This hasn't been severely impacting my studies, but I feel that I really need to realign my financial properties and start saving.
There are several compromises I have experimented with:
  1. No spending over $100
  2. No booking than 1 booking a month.
  3. Go for sensual massage instead of sex.
  4. Only go to sex workers who are a) black/brown b) 40+ c) tall and curvy or d) busty - E cup+
Do you think it's a good idea to choose and stick with one of these options? Is it better for me to quit sex workers altogether?
I am serious about making a career out of music. However it's inevitable that at this point in time, that I would need to be making money outside of music in order to move out of my parent's place and buying and maintaining gear. Is living with parents and living off a job seeker's benefits detrimental to moving forward beyond this? The problem I am encountering with employment is finding work that 1) adequately pays and 2) that I am qualified to do - many job vacant listings out there are specialized and require specialist qualifications and experience (i.e. retail, hospitality, education, painting, poster hanging, delivery etc). I am working on getting fully licenced to broaden my job opportunities.

Help me out here. Thanks.
submitted by jsrd4 to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.26 04:52 Kinaligtaan It's the saddest year for Southeast Asian League of Legends since Season 1.

(Obligatory wall of text ahead since I'll be talking about a bit of SEA's history in the League scene.)
It's been a little bittersweet for me watching Worlds this year as a Filipino/Southeast Asian fan, who has been somewhat semi-casually supporting SEA/PH teams since Season 1's Pacific Esports (Philippines) from the first World Championship Series.

I always just lurk around leagueoflegends and almost never post at all, but since there's almost no Southeast Asian representation on the Worlds stage this year, I felt like I should let the world on Reddit in on a glimpse of our humble region's past as a fan, and how it feels to be a SEA fan now during Season 10 Worlds. No one really remembers the bottom-barrel teams in tournaments, but having our region centered around being a wildcard since our existence makes for an interesting timeline.

As we've been around since the first season of League, getting our region handed to us first even before China and Korea, SEA has, needless to say, been through a lot since the start but we've always had somewhat of a sad storyline. I've personally been almost through it all as a SEA fan--

•With how the first World Championship crown for Garena Pro League regions was bestowed upon Taipei Assassins as the best GPL representative in Season 2, which our SEA teams got absolutely dominated by, and therefore separating a line between SEA and the LMS as regions because they're just that good compared to all of us then.

(In the first place, they were only pitted against us because Taiwan, Hong Kong, Macao, and the whole of Southeast Asia all had the pleasure of our games being hosted by Garena through their League of Legends client in our respective countries, and not Riot themselves.)

•With how the Philippines somehow managed to get by the favorites in Singapore Sentinels (who were runners-up to ahq in the GPL) through a separate 2013 Worlds Regional Qualifier for SEA teams, despite sending Mineski (PH's second seed who consisted of mainly DOTA 1 players at the time), to represent a lone SEA region onto Season 3 Worlds because our first place PH seed had issues getting to the offline qualifier held in Vietnam. It was probably to the surprise of no one that they went 0-8 in their group.

•With how SEA teams were outclassed heavily in the last year for GPL with TW/HK/Macao teams in 2014, inevitably getting crushed by the likes of AHQ and TPA one last time, undoubtedly having them represent LMS/SEA as the undisputed best teams we have. Although to their credit, Vietnam's teams were a close second even then to the (3) Taiwanese teams present in the GPL. But we still sent two out of three LMS teams because they were just that stronger as shown in the regular split and the regional qualifiers.

•With how we got separated from the LMS in 2015 because the LMS deservedly was given their own separate region from us, sending the Bangkok Titans (Thailand) directly to Worlds 2015, who were actually one of the best teams SEA had at the time, to only get stomped on at Worlds as wildcards that never won any games in that tournament. Safe to say cementing SEA as the "losingest" region present at Worlds then yet again, since the other wildcard team in Brazil's Pain Gaming at least managed to get two significant wins for their region.

•With how in 2016, our best SEA wildcard team in Saigon Jokers (Vietnam) who have always established themselves as a powerhouse within SEA, lost every game they played in the International Wildcard Qualifier to make it to Worlds 2016, marking the first time since the first season that SEA had no presence whatsoever at Worlds. At least the LMS, alone, had been doing great then.

•With how there was a resurgence in 2017 within Vietnamese teams since 2017 GPL Spring, ultimately giving us the best SEA representation since our humble beginnings at both 2017 MSI and Worlds, putting SEA back on the map, and establishing us as the absolute best wildcard region of that year. So much so that we unthinkably had (2) teams (albeit all-Vietnamese) represent us as a region at Worlds. It was absolutely mind-blowing to me as a fan at the time. Even I, as a Filipino, was so happy for Vietnam's League scene and naturally for SEA LoL as a whole.

Vietnam had shown up so huge for the whole of Southeast Asia in 2017 that for the first time as a SEA fan, it felt like we were so close to the LMS and other major regions, who've we've only known up until then to be some untouchable gods we could never be above of.

•With how the next year in 2018, the VCS was established as a stand-alone region for Vietnam, and suddenly GPL was left without Taiwan and Vietnam. Leaving only Thailand, the Philippines, Malaysia, Singapore, and barely Indonesia within it. I was honestly happy for Vietnam that League had grown so strong within their own country, but unfortunately for what's left our scene, we were left without a competitive representative. SEA was reduced to being a bottom-barrel play-in region yet again.

In that year, Thailand's Ascension was undoubtedly the best SEA team we had, but SEA fans were left to wake up to the reality that we were just not good enough internationally on our own yet. But even after play-ins, at least for me, I could still smile at incredible showings played by the VCS and LMS, who were doing so well without us.

•With how in 2019, I honestly ended up not watching as much of the games for the new League of Legends SEA Tour (LST), and the view count in official streams for the games showed, at least for me, that other SEA fans are just not as passionate as they used to be. It was also around this time that the Mobile Legends revolution really kicked in within Southeast Asia, notably Indonesia and the Philippines. It was still fun to at least see Thailand being really competitive in our scene though, ultimately representing us in MSI and Worlds. They've put up a great fight and at least we had some small wins in as a region.

It also was still a delight to see the VCS become this new beast of a region that they're able to go toe-to-toe with the best teams in the world as legit contenders. At the same time, I was personally shocked at how the LMS had such a big fall from grace. It was truly a time to be alive as somebody who's been there since GPL was a thing, but it was also just as melancholic to me as it felt like we were reduced to just mere thousands as fans at best, compared to what we were before collectively. Maybe it's because Vietnam had become what the LMS was to all of us all those years ago, with both being long separated from what's left of SEA. This, on top of the decline of our players as opposed to former years and some language barriers.

•And now, with 2020. It was announced the previous year that what's left of SEA would be combined with the LMS again like how it was with GPL back then except without Vietnam this time. Personally it was like getting announced that what's left of SEA would be overshadowed by the LMS again. It was still fine though, because maybe this way our teams would become better through consistently playing with Taiwanese teams who are just undeniably better than them.

Though it's the saddest year for the Southeast Asian League of Legends scene to date when there's no MSI to be had, on top of our Vietnamese brothers not having any representatives at Worlds with the way their situation panned out for them. The LMS may still be here for Worlds as the PCS, but the spirit of SEA really isn't.

PCS being the LMS and LST-SEA as it may, there's still a visible disconnection from SEA fans and the LMS. Hell, so much so that I don't even know which stream I should say "Good luck, Taiwan! Win it for all of us in SEA!" that genuine Taiwanese fans could read it. It's lonely. But I guess we were never really "like that" to begin with. Even with Vietnam at times over the years. EU looks so peaceful with how their region is doing compared to us and it's a little sad that we couldn't be as structured as them as a region. The line of what's considered to be "Southeast Asian League of Legends" is getting more blurry as the years go by.

It's fun to imagine if this happened to other regions. What if Denmark became their own stand-alone region in EU? Or maybe if Canada represented their own region in NA? Imagine what would happen then, now try adding a language barrier to that situation. It's really been sucky and empty for some of us in SEA right now, but only time will tell if things could change for us.

But even so, I'll still be here watching however which way we are represented so that Southeast Asian League of Legends would still be alive no matter what. I just posted this so the world could see a glimpse of our region's storyline over the years as a "region". This post was written with only a little bit of researching to jog my memory with what happened to SEA over the years, so please feel free to correct me or share some memorable moments I may have missed. But I still remember most of our history vividly. I'm just one guy in SEA, I couldn't possibly know everything that went down in all of our regional qualifiers that are casted in different languages at times. Though I really hope to be a part of more whatever it is we are in the future.

Shoutout to Vietnam, I really hope your region would be up there on the world stage next time. It goes without saying that the rest of SEA know you'll do great in the future.

Also shoutout to our PCS teams in PSG Talon and Machi Esports. We hope you win it for all of us in SEA, and thank you for making our teams stronger throughout the years! Fantastic first day for PSG demolishing LGD, by the way!

Lastly, shoutout to the next generation of players and fans in Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia (yes, even you despite losing your server), Singapore, and the Philippines. Let's all also do our best for our region. I hope we can all grow closer as a region. Mabuhay, you old magnificent bastards.

TL;DR: Vietnam isn't at Worlds, and only SofM really is. The LMS overshadows what's left of SEA because they're that much better than our teams, but that's okay because they've been with us since the beginning as GPL (and now as PCS), and should PSG Talon or Machi win Worlds, technically SEA would be part of a two-time World Champion status but Vietnam won't be counted then haha.
submitted by Kinaligtaan to leagueoflegends [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 11:31 ThrowawayLego96 Swinging-Cuckolding-Hotwifing Horror story

First of all, apologies since I'm not a native English speaker. Let me introduce myself (24M) call me Jack and my Ex (24F) lets call her Montana. We have a 4mos old baby and we lived those 4mos as if we had everything planned ahead until we would grow old and die. I have a cuckolding kink which I now consider a "curse".

I want this completely out off of my chest in order for me to deal with the guilt a little bit easier. I wish I never had this kink. I'm expecting this post to be pretty controversial. Made a throwaway account just so I can post this anonymously.

Relationship leading Pregnancy Horror story. November 2018 to May 2020

I have had a history of swinging with my past relationships although it wasn't that completely played out thoroughly as some of you would expect.
That's until i met my recent ex. A little short version of our story pre-cuckold.
Stars aligned one night, i was on my usual weekend shift as a nightlife photographer, saw this girl passed out beside me, nothing out of usual, tapped her to ask whether she was alright, and she woke up grasping all air she could possibly have just to thank me for checking up on her. flirting to dating process then preceded and it was bliss.
Our dating stage was perfect, we had a lot of rough patches but all eventually came to a smooth perfect ride, She was A-OBSESSED with me, i also saw her as the PERFECT woman for me to die with, we just loved each other too much i can't exaggerate this enough. This was also the time i was dropping hints about kinks. Always told her we shouldn't really act out on it since kinks are kinks and are too risky. But yeah, we didn't do anything out of the normal until... Until i got her pregnant.
Little did i know it was just the "calm before the storm stage" because I got her pregnant and she moved in here in the big city with me.
Long story short about the pregnancy, she broke up with me after 2 months of living together. Suddenly Resented me, and pushed me as far away as she can and wanted to establish a "co-parenting" relationship. I begged, I chased, I tried my best to win her back but all of my efforts came short of how she resented me.
I knew in the back of my head that this were all the pregnancy hormones doing the talking so I stayed and remained loyal, that is until she called back for me to comfort her from a heartbreak from a guy she's talking to thousands of miles away. I did my part, and comforted the woman carrying my Son about another Man. This is where I decided to quit the waiting (its been months at this point) and start giving love to myself, I went and decided to engage in dates too myself. Run away but didn't cut off the part where I can allow her to be back to my life.
Lo and behold, 2 months before the scheduled labor, She came back to me, sad, empty and lonely.
I did what i had to do, we had a baby and i still have a lot of feelings for her even without the baby in the picture anyways. Buuuuut there was a catch(?)
I had to accept that during the duration of this breakup she slept around. Yes, slept around while pregnant. Roughly 10 guys on the span of 5 months breakup.
Even when she had the belly. And yes you can imagine all the unimaginable things she's done. Unprotected sex, cum inside, cum swallowing, sex in the car, even showed me a blowjob Video. She knew I had a cuckolding fetish. It was FUCKING hard for me to accept everything she has done, it was hard for me to normalize how she did our pregnancy dirty, but my cuckolding kink made it a bit easier for me to accept this. fyi she was tested clean after all of this.
So hey, guess what? Cuck simp award goes to me. I accepted her back to my life and everything went A-Okay. I learned to just enjoy her pregnancy sexcapades and even enjoyed her videos ALOT, I sort of was growing into it and kept asking for more.
Fast forward after all this drama, It was a no swinging-cuckold talks no fuzz period, Labor came and lets fast forward shall we? lets skip all the happy emotional shit about me being the proudest Dad ever to a beautiful baby boy.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Start of actual Swinging (Cuckolding) gone wrong story. August 21-September 24.

Again, calm were the weather, non-existent were the storms. Perfection, we had a little happy family, I had a part time 9-5, work life balance was bliss. I did my part in the family, I always woke up with her begging me to marry her lol, and sleep with the same vibe. We had have a few talks about cuckolding but it was mostly just me on my side opening things up slowly. She would then always lead the rest of the convincing and is showing me so much positivity towards the kink.
Shortly after we had a mutual discussion that maybe we should start and maybe try out the cuckold kink at last and do it right. In the back of my head it was the perfect setup, this was also because she was also starting to be extremely hypersexual again, too hypersexual to say the least.
"I wanna try and sleep with other guys" She seduced me.
And I thought we can try and meet in between if we would just play out my kink, I did the initial convincing but she lead the rest, sometimes would get drunk and would seduce me that she would sleep want to sleep around and "cuck" me, it was hot, it turned me on too much.
So this is where the Horror story slowly start to creep up.
We looked for our first "bull" and we got engaged into some pretty cool swingers GCs, met some of the most down to earth peeps I have ever talked to.
She tried, but she really didn't want my eyes on her screen when she's talking to bulls. I ignored this and let this slip by since maybe this was all too new to her. We came to an agreement that I can just re-read the conversations when she is asleep.
She didn't want me to be involved in the same room with her bulls, I also tried to understand this since i want to give her the comfort and confidence in me that she would need, so we settled for the "solo play with video" setup.
We had a mutual agreement that we would hype each other up before and after the play.
So we found our first potential bull, lets name him bull#1, he was cool, his was Large AF and he vibed with Montana pretty well, After a week of buildup the long awaited First play finally happened and holy shit it was fun, tons of "I love you's" and sweet moment between us hours before meeting bull#1. She sent me screencaps on the videos before she got home followed by so much assurance on how much she loves me and I shouldn't worry that she's taking a while. and holy hell it was intense, all that buildup for us to release it, it was fucking fun on both of our part. She would give me blowjobs and we would have sex all while watching her videos.
She started a reddit account after this and her account never failed to bring out one of the most trendiest post local reddit has seen. I wont say more.
So she had a second play with her bull planned, and things were going on the greener side finally she finally allowed me to have short convos with her bull#1 to keep me involved. The play happened and I couldn't be any happier, the videos were shot better I kid you not, We were extra sweet few days before the play. bull#1 fucked her like there was no tomorrow, I enjoyed every bit of it too like there was no tomorrow. She would come back home and we would have sex and she would cuddle me to heavens, reminding me again on how much she loves me and how much she still want to marry me.
Slowly after this, I started noticing the new third red flag.
She was getting weirdly close with bull#1, started opening up about personal stories, but she always gave me the assurance that there are no emotions involved, that they see each other as BFFs with sex involved. This red flag manifested wildly, I felt like she talked to her bull more than she would talk to me in a given day. She also started getting irritated every time i showed any signs of jealousy. She started getting slowly hostile towards me.
So after a couple of talks she decided she's going to look for her second bull, i agreed to this so we wouldn't really fixate with bull#1. Fast forward to keep it short, Our third play and first time with bull#2 was a success, though going back to my redflag#2 she never tried to keep me involved, she would say that it would be very awkward for me to talk to bull#2. The play was good though, most largest she has ever experienced in her whole life. There was a few catch like how bull#2 couldn't last long but hey it didn't really matter to us. We still, again, loved each other so much. The reassurances were still there.
"Don't worry Jack, you have absolutely no reason to feel insecure, please trust me"
So I started slowly observing how her swinging/cuckold pronouns started shifting from "We, Us" to just "Me, I". I didn't feel like I was a part of it at all.
I felt that I was just a caretaker, I felt like I was just a baby sitter to our son while she's out there sleeping around.
Then she suddenly, out of the blue, unexpectedly broke up with me.
Yes. She did. We had the biggest fight unimaginable, I couldn't understand why she would breakup with me in the midst of all of this, I was in-denial. The reason? She feels uneasy and she doesn't really know what she wants anymore, all she feels is that she feels miserable when she is with me. The catch? I have to stay living with her otherwise I wouldn't be able to bond with my Son.
I tried to become patient in all of this and waited for us to reconcile again soon, we still lived in the same damn Unit and we had a baby.
The sudden abrupt day came where she had a planned friendly date with bull#1 without sex and we had to fight about that a lot.
And so I gave her a choice, go out on a date with your Bull#1? or lets fix us today.
She went out with her bull#1. At this point we can't really call it swinging-cuckold anymore since we broke up, but it was "cuckold" enough because we still lived together. So it was what it was and she went out on a friendly date with bull#1 that still ended up in a bathtub sex. That day was the worst, lets just summarize it:
I was bitchass drunk crying out to my family at the bathroom not telling them any details, came out and she just showed me and asked me if she can post the bathtub fuck video with bull#1 she edited. Cold hearted.
A few days later she asked if we could try to be swinger partners instead even without the "in a relationship label" so that she can play out another session with bull#2 without me getting all fuzzy. We agreed. She would give me so much reassurance that she still loves me so much.
Fast forward, she asked a second session with bull#2 with a "play pretend status" that she is still in a relationship. We still had to fight about it a lot but she did all the convincing and all the seducing towards me for me to allow her. Guess what? I gave in. Her second "play pretend" sesh with bull#2 happened and she came home without a video, I was alright with it, but there was this growing cold air between us and we never even talked with each other at all.
She started opening up how she is really unhappy with me and how she just wanted to do what "single" people can do because she is technically single.
I made a decision that maybe this is where I decided to move out temporarily (emphasis on it being temporary since i don't want to leave my son) I just had enough, I was having thoughts on taking on my own life but i just couldn't because I had a son with her. This wasn't how I expected everything to play out.
For your information, upon multiple really aggressive arguments, this is the statement that made me decide to take a break and leave temporarily:
"Jack, if you can't take in what's happening, and you feel like you're always hurt, then the only wrong thing you're doing here is staying with me, the door is right there and you can always LEAVE! YOU MADE ME DO THIS AND I JUST GOT ADDICTED, THIS IS YOUR FAULT, AND YOU HAVE TO MAN UP! WE HAVE A CHILD! IF YOU CANT MAN UP JUST LEAVE!!!"
Maybe we needed space for each other to cool down our heads and hopefully she can see my worth on what I brought to the table in our family. I never planned to move out permanently, but her being hostile to me made her decide to gave up our unit we had together to "punish" me for leaving. So now I have nowhere to go, have an Airbnb rented until next week, and might go home to my family after all of this.
And now suddenly her story to everyone is that I was the one that left her alone with the Kid ?!?!?!? That I was the Dad that abandoned her with the Kid?
A few days later we were cooling down, we were starting to do some "talking in a calm but fun way" and she would give me so many assurance that she isn't talking to any guy or flirting with any guy anymore with always the follow up "if that matters to you Jack". "I just want to explore my Bi-curious side and I hope it's okay with you?" I appreciated her still asking my permission and approval and felt like this setup could still work somehow.
At this point her reddit was blowing up because of her kickass contents. And she would get offers after offers, and she did got a 3 girl orgy threesome offer. Which was honestly fine with me, there's something about not having a dick in the picture that just soothed me well. She then never stop to give me so much assurance that she wasn't talking to any guy at the moment anyways. So I was glad were finally meeting in between, she even mentions and shares stories about these three girls and even gave me sneak peeks at their group-chat. We were already living apart this time, cooling down as i saw it.
After a few days apart I noticed in her IG stories that she goes out, I had a weird gut feeling, to which I asked her and she only replies that she was just casually visiting her sister.
Fast forward, the 3 girl threesome day arrived and she dropped by to drop our Son to my airbnb. I started to always ask her where has she been in her IG stories again to where she replied aggressively "God Jack, just because I wore makeup in my IG story didn't mean I'm doing something crazy, I just went out with my sister yesterday, God Jack what do you think I'm doing? Always sleeping around". I went silent.
I always felt like a baby sitter when she sleeps around yes that's a fact, but this time was an exclusion. She could have left our Son at her family, she was just dropping by our Son to me follow the co-parenting etiquette and she knew how much I missed my Son so dearly.
Anyways moving forward, time was ticking and the 3F threesome is already happening and she was LATE! She was still giving me the usual assurances and would even beg and ask for my comfort since she was scared to go to that threesome, she wanted me to encourage her to go to that threesome and I did.
"I'm scared and thrilled to go, Jack should I go? please tell me, they're sending me F2F videos already I'm so late, maybe i shouldn't just go since I'm under menstruation" She keeps repeating to me.
"Yes, Honestly it's all very fine for me, this feels a lot better since there are no guys involved, and you really wanted to explore this since before right? I support you, Go for it!" I said.
At this point the lines between us being swingers and exes that are cooling off are so blurred. So the threesome happened shortly after, spent the lovely night playing around with my Son. She went home to me in the morning to pick up our son.
We had a few story sharing and finally told me that there was a surprise one guy all along the threesome she even showed me videos, lets call it orgy this time, and that even she claimed she wasn't aware until she got there. I had to repeat the process of accepting and tried my best to not show any sign of pain, and just gave her the support and comfort.
"Hey if you didn't knew all along it is not your fault, but hey good for the guy that showed up, he must be lucky to have you 3 girls damn" I said.
"But hey, it would be great if we can finally plan a date with me involved this time at least at the same room? Maybe this time we can finally work things out since you are now comfortable with having more than one person in the room" I followed up. Cheerfully.
"Yeah, well see, maybe it can work, I don't know yet" She uttered while asking for help for her next NSFW "After play selfie" Reddit post at my Airbnb.
She was sweet with me, we would still kiss around, cuddle with the baby around, and we would flirt with each other in a very sweet and wholesome way.
"Didn't you miss me?" She would always ask. In a sweet upflifting way. While we hugged and cuddled our way around my Airbnb.
"Yes, I did, I always tell you I miss you, I still love you" " But hey do you miss me though?" I replied.
"Maybe" She would tell me back every time I bring the same question
The re-assurance, honesty and comfort and sweetness? It felt good, "hope from the heavens" for a lack of better term. Or so I thought.
So she finally went back to her home to drink with her family. Around the same day I randomly came across a local Gone-wild story that was a hot topic about a foursome here in reddit and I was just fucking damaged, I felt as if my soul left my body and not a single bone of my body would want to stay grounded, I felt all of the pain as I slowly read the story, one of the girls checks out to be her.
I found out that Montana still slept around, and that she had a FUBU with her all the time, the going-out-with-sister-story was actually her sleeping with her FUBU, and the Orgy? it was just 2 girls 2 guys her included, and it was all carefully planned with her knowledge from the VERY BEGINNNING. SHE WAS ONE OF THE ORGANIZERS.
I felt as if I was betrayed, even though I wasn't entitled to know the truth I also felt like I didn't deserve all the false assurances/lies and would be rather slapped with the truth to be honest. I confronted her and had my confirmation since she started blocking me after I sent that story post. I never knew the reason behind the lying, it would have been okay if she just told me the truth, I would have been okay with it really.
She claimed that nothing was wrong with what she did since we were technically broken up and I wasn't entitled to know anything about the truth.
A day later the story post didn't have to hide her anymore, she was the trophy girl and center of the Orgy story with her username tags and all.
So yeah, gut feelings point that her current FUBU is bull#1. Even found his reddit that has one of her videos in it. They're planning more orgies and threesomes together, and I felt as if i just matched the two most perfect NSA swinger couple ever. And I got left out. I still reach out to her every now and then asking if we could still be swinger partners at the very least, i get no replies.
And I know whoever her sexual partners are, I got completely erased out of the picture because of them, and it's not their fault, I have no bone in my body that hate them.
Swinging especially cuckolding is very risky, amidst all the success stories, I think I have be possibly one of the WORST horror story experience ever.
To the cuckold couples that still goes strong after all this years! I Admire you! A setup like that would be a dream. I'm too traumatized at this point to even ever consider swinging ever again.
To the curious cuckolding wannabe couples out there, please. Consider everything first. And take this as a warning sign to really consider if swinging/cuckolding/hotwifing would be your perfect poison. My reflags I mentioned would be good reference during your Journey to have some "pauses" and Re-assessment of your setup. Have constant communication, Swinging/cuckolding/hotwifing is always an "US" not an "I". And please, be mentally stable before engaging in anything this risky and dangerous. Emotions and desires are on the line.
Thanks for reading!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Sep 25 Update

We had another argument just now. And I finally got the answers and closures I needed. I also found out that she will be going to a 4M 4F orgy tomorrow.
She left me because all along, she just could not learn to love me, we weren't just as compatible as we would thought we would be. Those times she was begging me to Marry her was just nothing but just flat out emotional bullshit because she loved our Son too much and I was much so associated with this love. She still loves our Son now, it's just that she learned to separate the love she has for our Son and her love towards me.
The best closure words from her I got was this.
"You really think I left you because of sex? if that would be the case then I wouldn't have left because we were swingers in the first place, SEX WOULDN'T BE THE ISSUE! I left you because I just found out within myself that I really don't love you at all, and I am never happy with you, I want to be able to do these things alone without any pressure, have you ever thought that maybe I am really not sexually attracted to you at all?"
Do I see this as Valid points?
Yes.
Do I think my cuckold kink and everything swinging related played a part in this?
Yes, very much so. I don't think we would have broken up if we didn't open up our relationship. It opened up her deep desires to be a NSA swinger, unicorn and a bi-femme. And apparently she met her perfect FUBU because of this.
Do I still think that my image as a Dad felt very expendable, disposable, replaceable to her?
Unfortunately Yes.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Sep 27 Update

I am under therapy now from all the turmoil this just did. I am experiencing extreme Manic Episode that's triggered by this ongoing trauma. Of course just like any Therapy I had to tell the therapist every detail of my story. Therapist instructed me not to be alone during Montana's big 4M 4F Orgy that should happen.
It did happen yesterday, and yes they are trending everywhere currently again at our local nsfw reddit scene. Woke up to their "teaser" content of the event, Followed by a 5 second video of them actually doing it. Finally upon stalking further, I saw a follow-up local dirtyr4r ad from Montana looking for a constant FUBU (I guess she wasn't content with already having tons of FUBU?) Or maybe Bull#1 turns out to be not really that constant? A few hours later the story got up and it was as expected. Trending. Awards. You name it. Montana was one of the organizers. She was also the most wildest in the story, spitroasts after spitroasts. And bull#2 was her go to partner all this time contrary to my gut feelings pointing to bull#1 initially.
______________________________________________________________________________________________

I now consider myself dead inside typing this.

Going back, Stars actually lined up and found a NSA date also from reddit to accompany me through the weekend Sep 26-Sep28, and yes lets name her Riley, she's still staying with me currently (asleep) while I'm typing this, and she is doing her best in keeping my mind off of things. But I just have put out my final and last vent out here.
So far when it comes to this post I have a few thoughts for me to process currently.
  1. Silver-lining? I have the most beautiful baby boy ever. This is a win.
  2. I was really the doormat free baby sitter in the picture early on. But I don't think that now. Our last argument had her remind me that she can always leave our Son to her family, She just doesn't want me to miss out on being a Dad. Hard dynamic relationship to swallow but it is what it is.
  3. I should just accept that this is who Montana chooses to be, I was just an early enabler for her to realize what she really wants and who she really wants to be. (I literally have had zero hate towards people who pursue a wild sex-capades and who wants to achieve the highest body count they can tolerate in a short span of time. This is a turn on for me and I admire those people)
  4. I am now starting to believe and validate that I did got played dirty and manipulated hard. And I know this isn't her fault, she never intended it to be. But the true fact in all of this is I can accuse her of being selfish with a total lack of empathy. No one can reason out the fact that she is very indifferent about how every single actions she does slowly shatters me, killing me slowly. Literally and figuratively.
  5. She saw me as hindrance to what she actually wants. The cuckolding setup for her was very inconvenient. She was very physically unattracted to me anymore and I realized how everything might have turned out to be a mistake because of how she might have felt forced to partake under my rules. She wanted to be a boss in her own sex-capades and breaking up with me and pushing me away would do so fulfill her desires.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

QA

Why does this sound like you never loved her?
I wrote this long ass story with the subject of Sex, Swinging and cuckold at the point of focus. I LOVED her (Emphasis on the past tense) I tried my best for me to keep this short but detailed as much as possible, so I had to skip all the emotional bullshit without failing to at least mention or hint them. My role as a Dad is the most pivotal point in my life and I couldn't think of anything else but to be with my own Son, I love him too much. I am confident that I am the most hands-on Dad I could ever be when we were together.
Again, I did loved her so too much. Too much perhaps. I never failed to make sure that I am and will be the only one that treated her with so much love and is confident as hell that she will never get to meet a person that can top me with how much I treated her well and how much I loved her.
And before you ask because you still didn't get my point, Yes, I am falling out of love.
If she sleeps around this much, are you sure the baby is yours?
First off, before we got the "Positive" pregnancy test, we have been very vanilla and exclusive to each other for the whole year. Her sexual body count was very low to say the least too. She never flirt around and we trusted each other.
Secondly, the baby is the exact carbon copy of me, literally in every way possible.
What's going to happen about the baby?
I have to put this in the QA, The baby is fine, she is handling being a mother really well. My heart goes out every time I miss him. I'll still get to see him twice every month as per our agreement. And I hope this current atmosphere that his parents are doing (me and my ex) will end soon and will remain hidden from him when he grows up. I will stop everything and continue my journey as a Vanilla person as soon as I get things done with Riley at-least once. And I hope Montana does consider having a good atmosphere for our Son. The hopes of me seeing him frequently might go bleak since I'll be leaving the big city temporarily for a few months.
Do I still consider her as a cheater?
Hard question to answer, contrary to the MOST of the past comments from my other posts from other subs and my responses. The safe spot for us is for me to accept that she never really cheated. She has a point. She did try her best to full-fill both our desires. She just grew her selfishness which manifested into lacking empathy and being cold hearted towards me, discarding me like trash I was. She lied and gave me false stories when we were broken up, that wasn't cheating. It is very very hard for me to put a finger anywhere on where she actually cheated.
Would I give up on my swinging/cuckold fantasy for good and let this serve as a lesson?
Maybe, But I will try NSA Semi Swinging, threesomes and orgies with partners that I am not emotionally invested with just to get this out of my system. I have already made plans with Riley.
Cuckolding and hotwifing on the other hand? I think I might give this one up completely out of the table, If I will get the feeling and openness to it again, I might be able to pull it off more smoothly with someone that will be more stable with me. But my mind fixates on a big "NO" right now. I don't want to ever think about it
Do I itch for any retribution? Vent out my story to people? Poke her reputation?
In real life with our own real friends and family members? NO, the only thing stopping me from doing this is the fact this would mean I would just intentionally chose to end any possible connection I will have with my Son.
In our alternate universe here in Reddit, maybe. When the day comes, this story will be in our local NSFW Reddit scene. No username drops, same aliases, it's up for the lurkers and readers to find out who I am talking about, my story will perfectly match up to Montana's big ORGY. Our alter-reddit-world can be drastic and I might try to poke around her alter-reputation. But I want to keep our Real-Personal-Lives clean and peaceful.
When she wakes up groggy one day and realize the guilt on how she discarded me like trash and beg me to come back in her life, Would I let her?
Biggest NO. I do care for her, that feeling might never leave, I'm just falling out of love now from all the hatred and trauma.
AND if reconcilement from her comes one day just because we have a child, That would literally mean that I am signing myself up to repeat all this cycle one more time or more until the end of my life being with her. So NO.
There is nothing she can say and convince at this point that would make me trust her again. We will be friends, we will be co-parents, we SHOULD ideally not "hate" each other and hopefully we can respect each other's boundaries. Again, our alter-reddit-world can be drastic and I might try to poke around her alter-reputation. But I want to keep our Real-Personal-Lives clean and peaceful.
Should my resentment and hate for her stay?
The fact that she discarded me cold blooded like a trash, treated me like a doormat the whole time? Yes, the HATE and pain overshadows the moments she made me happy by a large margin. The hate will still remain, but just like any breakup-moving-on process, I should just accept instead of resent of what she has become.
How do I feel right now? (Mini Sep 28 update)
It's the morning of September 28 while I'm typing this and I just had an MFM Spitroast threesome with Riley and her FUBU, it was fun. Story I will write someday here on reddit. Me and Riley have a chemistry, upon countless of good times spending the weekend with her, she reminded me of how there is more to life. I feel a warm feeling inside me after being cold, empty and suicidal for the whole week. This plus I got the validation and that feeling of being Human again. I also felt a sense of value since I felt some of my past partners (vanilla) giving me passive attention and reaching out to me ever since they sensed the break-up.
How am I planning to move on?
Same answer, acceptance (Maybe after a reddit retribution?) this should embark my journey in blocking everything related to her in reddit. She is turning out to be A-mazing at what she's doing believe me! And I do believe that my story won't even lay even the tiniest scratch on her alter-rep. What happened happened. It is out of my control and I just have to carry on and move forward.
And to end my long ass 15-30 minute read controversial cuckold swinging story I can finally put a TL:DR to my story.
TLDR:
I just made my ex, mother of my child, turn me into a doormat/trash, and realize her deepest desires of who she really wants to be her whole life. That she can be the perfect deviant ORGY, Threesome, Bi slut she never knew she always wanted. And that she can be her own perfect Reddit Porn-star she always wanted to be.
submitted by ThrowawayLego96 to Swingers [link] [comments]


2020.09.24 07:30 ThrowRA-after-use GF (32f) and I (33m) struggling to make it work

Alright reddit. looking for some serious advice, as I feel like I’m drowning and can’t keep my head above water. sorry for the long post, but this one has layers, like an onion. Forgive formatting or mistakes. I haven't slept in a few days now.
I (33M) don’t know how to proceed with my gf (32f) of 1.5 yrs.
A bit of background information about me. I do not have a very strong relationship with my parents, and my siblings and I are not particularly close. I had a very abusive childhood growing up, with a lot of physical and mental abuse. I moved out of my parents at 13 and have can count the visits since then on one hand. I am close with one of my aunt and uncles than I am to anyone else in my immediate family. I have been in one relationship prior for 8 years. She cheated on my 3 time in our first 6 months, broke up with me shortly after our 2 year to sleep with a co-worker, and I took her back three months later, where we spent another 5 yrs. together. it ended when she cheated on me, tried to spin it as my fault, and told me to get out of her life. I ended up with nothing (lost my house and jeep to her), was basically homeless for 3 months in the middle of winter. After a few years in a really dark place, I finished school and started my life over again, basically by moving across the country. And while I can confidently say I am over her; she still haunts my dreams sometimes. I had been single from 2012 until beginning of 2019. And by single, I mean no relationship of any kind, serious, casual, or one off. I was very alone and had tarted to really think I was never going to find anyone.
Background for her: She has been in and out of relationships from mid to late teens, and has had multiple abusive relationships, where she has told me stories of being locked in bathrooms, physically assaulted, sexually assaulted, mentally abused, you know, the good old classic crap. Her last real relationship was about 2/3 yrs. long from 2015-2017, and that ended when her partner at the time basically caused both to lose the house they bought together, and both declared bankruptcy. She was in a bad accident in late 2017, which left her with some physical impairments, but also with some cognitive issues. small things like memory issues, and cognitive troubles with complex concepts. She dated a few guys between beginning of 2018 and beginning of 2019, and again, had a few bad experiences (guys cheating on their gf, stalkers, physically abusive, etc.). She also says that she has ocd, and can be very particular about a variety of things, and sometimes gets et off by the smallest of things (for example, if I put a cup in the wrong cupboard, she becomes very upset)
Ok, now the topic at hand.
I moved to my current city in the later half of 2017 to pursue a job opportunity that was too good to turn down. I really liked my job, was for the first time in my life self sufficient and paying down debts, paying rent, buying groceries, and still had money put away/saved. But I was very lonely and experiencing some existential issues about being over that fabled age of 30.
I had some friends and coworkers tell me that I should try online dating, and after some convincing, and threats by coworkers that either I make a profile or they would do it for me, (I guess I’m still a bit old school, as I had always tried to meet females irl, as opposed to online). I downloaded bumble and made a profile. nothing really happened beyond a few girls who struck up some conversations, and exactly 2 coffee dates that were excruciatingly painful to experience, and the most awkward movie date in the history of mankind. And that’s when I matched up with my GF, in the later half of 2018. We chatted back and forth, and it went from chatting on bumble to exchanging numbers, and texting back and forth. It was the first time in years I had connected with someone that was very much showing an interest in me.
Now, we made plans to meet up on the weekend or coffee but didn’t set a time or place. And I was excited for this, as she also expressed, she was too. 2 days before we were supposed to meet up, I lost my phone and all my contacts, and as I don’t have social media, was unable to contact her. I was gutted. We didn’t meet up. I spent the next 6 months half heartedly using bumble, mostly focusing on my job, and I had started a part time program at university. I don’t know what I expected, and I just chalked this up to my seemingly never-ending bad luck. I thought about her every so often, and lamented the fact that we hadn’t met up, cuz I felt we had really connected.
Fast forward to Feb 2018, and I had recently created a new bumble on my work phone. I’m swiping through profiles, and I see hers. So, I swipe right, and she swipes right. But as the trick with bumble is, I have to wait for her to initiate conversation. Which of course, she doesn’t. I was a bit sad, but hey, that’s what happened. I see her a second time, and of course, I swipe right. She lets the timer expire. I see her a third time, swipe right, but this time, I pay to extend the timer to a second day. And she initiates conversation with "I guess I should talk to you since we keep matching". I immediately tell her the circumstances of what happened to my phone, apologised profusely, and told her that I understand why she may not want to talk to me, but at least I got to tell her what happened as opposed to her thinking I’m just an asshole. She doesn’t really say anything for a bit, and then tells me she vaguely remembers me, and that she wasn’t sure how much she had told me about her accident, but she had been excited to meet me, but couldn’t remember why. I told her I remembered about her accident, and I was more than happy to start over, and then I reintroduced myself. We started chatting again. And this time, I made damn sure to set a time, and place. We met up Easter weekend, 2018, for what was supposed to be coffee and a half hour walk, which turned into us walking for two, and then standing by our vehicles talking for another hour and a bit. I liked this girl. I wasn’t put off by any of the physical ramifications of her accident (very predominant facial scarring), and despite the very slight but sometimes obvious cognitive impairments, I really liked this girl, and none of that mattered. I went to Easter dinner on cloud 9. I was planning on waiting until the next day to mssg her, but she texted me saying she had a lot of fun. I texted her back after dinner saying I had as well, and that I was looking forward to hanging out again.
We texted a bit back and forth as per usual, but then she sent me a string of texts that took me a bit by surprise. The told me that she thought I was a great guy, but that she wanted to start a family, and she felt she couldn’t didn’t want to waste the next few years dating as she felt her age was creeping up on her, and that while she was sure I would be a great parent, she was going to go forward with a plan she had to get pregnant: sperm donor.
I was a bit taken aback, and shocked, but I told her that while I was sad about the prospect of us not seeing where we could go, that I understood her pov, and while I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her if she was going to use a sperm donor, I did wish her all the best, as I liked her too much want to be "just friends". She seemed a bit taken aback by my response, especially with how positive I was in the "if that’s what you want, I hope you all the best" tone and language I used.
I carried on with my life, expecting to never hear from her again.
In May 2018, she sent me a text saying she had just ordered pizza, and was watching a movie, and that the pizza had reminded her of me as we had had several lively debates on the best pizza toppings, place to order, and type of pizza. I texted her back and asked what type of pizza and where she had ordered from, and we texted a bit back and forth, and she asked me if I wanted to come over, eat some of her pizza, and "hang out". I told her that I still respected her wish of a sperm donor, and I didn’t think it was a good idea to start something when she had her plan and I didn’t want just a one night. We chatted some more over the next day and a bit, and I ended up at her house that Friday to watch a movie and eat pizza. We ended neither eating pizza nor watching a movie, but sitting on her house steps talking, eventually going inside and continuing the conversation. It was getting late and I was getting ready to leave when we started fooling around and ended up in her room.
I ended up spending two days at her place, and then we basically hung out 1-2 times during the week, and then most Friday to Saturday for the next 4 months. There were a few hiccups, and some serious conversations, focused on what was it we were looking for (we settled on that while we were not dating, we were casually monogamous), and an instance where she became upset and thought I was ghosting her when I had spent an entire day studying for school and then writing an exam with my phone off. That situation started with her telling me to come get the few things I had left at her place, and ending with me explaining to her what had happened, and that if she really wanted me to come get my shirt and two bottles of alcohol, I would. There were also some really great high, like where we spent 4 hours fixing my truck, and she made the comment "we did this without fighting, that means we are a good team", me wishing her a good weekend as she went off with friends to go camping (which she got weird about, because I didn’t have an issue with her doing things with her friends, as her exes always had issues) an extremely fun camping/hiking trip, and when she discovered a kitten stuck 10 feet high in a tree, and insisted that we had to go back and recue him. Incidentally, this kitten rescue was that moment watching her scale a tree, where I fell in love with her. She had such big heart and was kind a caring. I felt physical pain when she told me some of the horror stories, and for the first time in 7 years, there was a human I really really reeeeaaalllyyy wanted to spend all my time with this ridiculously goofy red head.
August rolls around, and she asks if it was ok if she went to go visit some family about a day drive away. I told her yes, go for it, send me picture. And she seemed weird about it. I tried to do a bit of tactful digging, and I found out that the last time she had gone to visit, she took an ex, who had physically assaulted her when they had gone together to visit. She hinted at wanting me to come with her, but I told her that she should get some time to herself, visit family, and I wasn’t going anywhere and would be waiting at home for her. I got the feeling she didn’t know how to handle this response, but I assured her, to go have a good visit.
Before she left, she spent the night with me, and there was some debate about whether she was in danger of getting pregnant from our night. She went on er trip, got her period, I wasn’t worried, and was very much looking forward to her return. She was gone for 11 days, and in that time, I had managed to score her some tickets to her favorite sports team for when she got home.
She got home and I went to go pick her up, and she had been day drinking, which wasn’t a big deal as I knew she had been. It was quite comical, and she seemed to be very happy to see me. I was very happy to see her as well. We went back to my place, and I gave her the tickets, which shocked her, and we spent the night together. In the morning we were still in the mood, so we went at it again. It ended with me having to fish a broken condom from inside her and taking a trip to get a morning after pill. She took the pill in front of me, and things were fine.
Things were good and we were falling back into our routine of seeing each other 1-2 times a week and spending weekends together. Then several things happened all at once in the middle of September.
1 - I had a family member fall deathly ill
2 - I had my manager at my job start to openly target me at work
3 - she was late.
I found out very end of September, she was pregnant, which as she so eloquently put it one morning "I’m pregnant, sorry for ruining your life".
At this time, I had also started working for a branch of the government that required weekend schooling for 3 months. things were busy but ok, and we had the typical should we keep it or not conversation, and what does this mean for us. Ultimately, she shut down any other conversation and would not discuss any other option outside of keeping it. I was not in the mind set to have a kid at this point in my life, and I tried to express this as appropriately and like an adult. It was through these conversations I found out that she had had an abortion previously and had had an ex of hers force a miscarriage, which she did not elaborate upon. At the end of all the conversations, she decided for both of us that we were keeping the baby, despite my concerns on my shaky job status, my part time gov training, my sick (and possibly dying) family member, her low paying job, and our unstable financial forecast (she was still dealing with her bankruptcy, and I was trying to pay down debt). Despite my objection to this, I told her I was there for her and the baby, and if this is what was happening, then I would be there.
By middle of October, I was unceremoniously fired without reason, and my family member had taken a turn for the worse, and I had to fly back home on a this could be it type visit. Going back home saw me must drop out of my weekend training, as I would no longer be able to make the time commitment. I was back home for about 14 days at the beginning of Nov. While I was gone, I tried to keep in constant communication with my GF and let her know everything that was going on. I was under a lot of stress and pressure, and I am sure this showed. As per usual, the visit back home did not go well due to family dynamics, and that added to the mix. I was back home for 3 and a bit week, before I once again flew back home fully expecting to be attending a funeral. The three weeks I was back with my gf were super stressed. I was incredibly torn about losing my job, and in typical fashion for my life, was getting fucked on my EI claims b/c I had taken a severance package. The three weeks were tension filled, and my gf was super argumentative. I chalked this up to pregnancy hormones, tried to be as understanding as possible. I was back home until end of dec, where I flew home because my gf was upset that I would potentially miss Christmas. The entire time that I was visiting family, she was insistent that I was cheating on her, and had convinced herself that I was. I kept reassuring her I would not do that and that I wasn’t. She barely believed me. The day that I got back my gf picked me up at the airport, but she was super reluctant to pick me up, and was super upset that I was "making" her come pick me up. My alternatives were to cab (super expensive for someone with no job) or take public transportation (which would mean 2+ hours to get home), and she wanted me to spend the night with her either way. We got home, and she had been super cold and distant, and super withdrawn on the ride. I again chalked this up to pregnancy hormones and being grumpy. We spent the night together. The next day I woke up feeling under the weather, and within the next few days, I became extremely sick. I figured that my daily hospital visits of 10+ hours a provided the perfect storm for me to pick up something. I was sick until about the 28th of December, bedridden, with a chest cold that was the worse I had ever experience. I spent the entire time at my gfs place, missing her family Christmas day/dinner. My gf picked up whatever I was sick with and ended up also getting sick. And we were sick right up until new years.
New years eve, she was very argumentative, and I suggested maybe we needed to get a night away from each other, and that I would come back on new years day. She became upset, and proceeded to have an emotional blowout, that included her accusing me of cheating on her when I went back home, being a pathological liar, being secretive because I have a passcode on my cell, as well as accusing me of purposefully getting her sick by staying over so much. I tried to talk to her rationally, but every time I would try to talk to her about what she was saying, she would say I was just trying to confuse her, and that I was lying, and that she was unhappy with me. Through out the conversation, it became clear that she was resentful of my rationale for not having a child, and she said that she did not want me around or that she was not happy. I tried to talk to her, to find out what I could do to help, but she was upset, hostile, and swinging to an extreme level of anger and frustration. I told her I would come back in a day or so and she would not have any of it. I ended up staying but slept alone on the couch. I was very upset about this, because that was not how I wanted to spend my new years, and her extreme swing into scorched earth anger was of grave concern to me.
The next few days were extremely tense. I was wondering what was going on, as my gf had basically gone to the extreme of, I want you out of my life. She had said a lot of things in anger, and did not want to discuss it, as "you’re just trying to make me the bad guy and use your big words to confuse me". I tried my best to be understanding, level-headed, and particularly avoided being argumentative, but I would also calmly explain my pov, feelings, or try to explain and reason with her.
Things for me were looking grim, as by this point, I had finally gotten EI, at about 35% of my (modest) salary from my previous employer and had been applying to 2-3 jobs min a day trying to land anything. I had started walking my GFs dog daily to try and help and was trying to help in other areas as I was able to. However, I was constantly accused of "sleeping all day, not trying to get a job, wanting a salary that was too high, eating all the food in the house". Fairly frequently I was cooking dinner and trying to make my rapidly getting more pregnant gf as comfortable as she could get. She was also hit with very bad fatigue but would refuse to nap or rest because that "is just a waste of the day". From Jan to April, the accusations became more wild, and would range on any day from I was cheating on her in her bed, to I was lying about working out, or my job applications. Blow outs over miniscule things became almost daily, and she would constantly be emotionally unstable. When I would try to ask her what was wrong, she would get further upset and tell me that she shouldn’t have to tell me. Anything and everything would set her off, from me doing the laundry at the wrong time, putting dishes in the cupboard wrong, to having my shoes crooked on the mat. There were certain things she kept bringing up, even after I had apologised for them. An example of this was I jokingly said that I would have to return the baby if it was not the gender I wanted. I was clearly joking, and told her I was, and apologised for it. But was constantly having this brought up in her blow outs. There were several things that would constantly be brought up, and if I would try to explain or reason with her, her default became "that’s your opinion, you’re just trying to make me into the bad guy".
With the high level of tension, what was a sex 2-3 times a week dynamic turned into long stretches of no sex, as well as no physical contact since my return from visiting my family end of December. In total 9 months of pregnancy, we had sex 6 times, with going as long as 60+ days between sex. I made a point of not pushing or pressuring her into any sort of physicality. The few times we did have sex, it was always on her initiation (s the case was if I initiated she would get angry), and it was typically her walking up and indicating she wanted sex, and would become upset if it lasted longer than 5 minutes a she didn’t "want to have sex for a long time".
On her behest, and b/c despite her mood swings I was still spending most of the time at her place, I moved out of my apartment and into her place in March of 2020. We split the rent and bills 50-50. Mot of my stuff is boxed away and being stored in the basement, but despite splitting bills, having my stuff in common areas caused her to have blowouts as I was being "messy and making clutter on purpose". To stop arguments, everything, including my musical instruments which I would try to play daily, have all been packed away and are in the basement.
After I moved in, things were a bit calmer, but not by much. At this point, covid was also starting to really affect a lot of things. My gf made the comment one night that we should go get couples therapy, and I said I agreed. But b/c of covid, we would have to wait. Most of April was pretty much like the rest of her pregnancy. Constant anger over little things (like if she dropped a spoon, she would have a full on freak out over it, she was constantly road raging for peoples driving, most often times not warranted, etc.), with a lot of the discussions we had swinging to extremes on her part. Typically, something as innocuous as me misplacing kitchen items would escalate to her screaming how unhappy she was and how she was over this relation ship. The few days that her anger was kept in check were extremely enjoyable, and we did manage to decorate the baby’s room, and build crib and furniture.
Our baby was born in May. And it has been a rough 4 months. She has had several intense blowouts, including one 2 weeks after birth where she was screaming at me to take the baby and get out of her life. Since then there has been 3 or 4 blowouts, typically with her losing her shit over something super small and going from being upset about miniscule issues to her throwing the entire relationship into the I’m done, and I don’t want this anymore. However, every time it gets to this, I calmly ask her, so what do you want to do? And she says she doesn’t know. Accuses me of making her into the bad guy, and never seems to have a solution.
We are still on a waiting list for couples counselling, but covid is causing delays, and she refuses to do zoom or phone calls with the therapist.
There have been some other things that I feel are contributing to the mix.
1 - she has anger issues, and is projecting passed trauma through anger
2 - someone has been harassing her since feb, via text, email and fb. The messages are typically sexually abusive, and/or are always saying I’m cheating on her. we have some theories on who it could be behind this, but nothing we can prove, and as the police have stated, there’s little that can be done. However, she now has accused me of cheating because I made the bed and it had wrinkles on it, there were some condoms in a drawer (which were so old they predated our relationship by 5 years), I have "secret" conversation on my phone, etc. She has even gone so far as to tell me she doesn’t even care anymore if I am cheating, which hurt me immensely, as I am not and haven’t never cheated on her.
3 - she is holding a grudge as she has voiced her opinion that her pregnancy was made "a living hell" by me and that I was purposefully trying to be more of a burden. When I pint out the domestic chores, or the fact I regularly tried to help with her dog, she says I’m "throwing that in her face" and that it doesn’t matter. I have apologised for any burden I may have inadvertently caused, and she says she’s too angry to accept that. When I ask for specific examples of what I did so that I can try to change my behaviors, she says she "can’t think of any examples off the top of my head".
4 - I did try to register for bumble biz during my initial job search, but registration was a bitch and I never completed the process. She saw the notification on my cell and immediately assumed I was cheating, and when I calmly explained what it was, she insinuated that I would make up something like that on purpose.
5 - We haven’t had sex since middle of July, we haven’t cuddled since end of dec 2019 (any time I tried to cuddle her during her pregnancy she would refuse saying I wasn’t allowed to cuddle her), we haven’t kissed since end of dec 2019, she hasn’t given or allowed me to give head since August 2019. During her 9-month pregnancy we had sex a total 6 times. and 3 times since baby was born.
6 - she very harshly talks down to herself and cannot take a compliment. If I tell her she looks pretty she makes a disparaging remark about herself. Something as simple as me saying she has a nice but is met with a slew of self hate about her body.
7 - I picked up a 4-month contract job end of July, and the uncertainty of employment is stressful.
8 - I have been working 9-hour days, and then I have been taking the baby for 2-5 hours dependent on the night. She has an expectancy that I take the baby to "give her a break". My daily routine has been waking up, walking the dog, working, using my lunch break to give her a break from baby, finishing work, and then watching the baby after. This is burning me out. I am also doing gov training once a week and trying to wrap up one of two remaining courses in my school (which would lead to better employability, and better salary). I am always happy to watch my kid, but I feel that the expectancy for me to do so is not taking into consideration everything else that’s going on. She is on mat leave till next may.
So, all that is basically the history leading up to last night.
I got home from a late shift, and I have been feeling super down about a bunch of things. The night before she had insinuated, I was cheating on her because she found a strip of a condom wrapper in our laundry hamper. I tried to calmly explain that the last time we had had sex I had thrown the wrapper on the floor and probably scooped it up with the laundry the next day and it was most likely sitting there for 2 months. She called me a liar, and I even showed her the pack of condoms that had only the one used by us. On top of it all, that specific condom brand is too small for me to use comfortable, so we have avoided using them. She did her typical brush off, and I went to bed angry and sad. So last night just as I was wrapping up my shift, I get a text message asking, "are you even coming home tonight". I respond that I was, and I got home. I asked her if she had a few minutes to talk, as I needed to talk to her about how I felt. She grudgingly turned off the tv and told me to talk as she started to scroll Facebook. I asked her to put her cell down, which she finally did. I then calmly told her how I was burning out, and I felt like I was being held at an arms length, and that I needed to know what was going on with us, and with things. She has recently started talking about buy a house, and with her recent bankruptcy she is not in any real position to buy by herself. Also, her earning potential is capped in her current job but she has no desire or intention to leave. My earning potential hovers around double what she makes. I mentioned that I was having doubts about looking at houses, and that I needed to make time for my school and training, which meant that the next 2 months I wouldn’t be able to take the baby every day after work for multiple hours. Well she got indignant, and she got mad at me, saying I don’t try to do anything to help, and that I made her last year a living hell, and that I’m getting my needs met elsewhere so why do I care at all about our relationship. I tried to calmly talk to her and stressed that this is how I’ve been feeling. As with the last few conversations, she swung to "I’m so sick of this relationship" and told me that she didn’t feel attracted to me. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she didn’t know. She then told me that I can go ahead and find someone else to fuck, and that she thought our sex sucked anyways because I didn’t typically cum fast enough for her. I explained I had no desire to have sex with someone else, and she basically said that she doesn’t want to sleep with me again. I then asked her what we were, where we in a relationship still, did she see us as single. And she told me she doesn’t know; she feels that she no longer has a spark with me. And then she mentioned that we needed to talk to a therapist to figure out what to do. this all left me very sad, and I slept less than 45 minutes over the course of the night. This morning she insisted she drive me to work and pick me up as well. She was amicable throughout the day, and this evening she has been in a good mood. This typically happens after she loses her shit.
I feel like I’m drowning. I feel the loneliest I have ever felt. I am at the point were I don’t want to go to her family Sunday night dinners, partly cuz her brother is newly engaged and I feel very jealous when he and his gf are being a typical engaged couple, and I don’t want to become more connected with her family, as that’s another painful loss during a break up.
I am unsure what I should be doing. Should I try to get to counselling, in the hopes that it helps? Or am I spinning my tires here, and I can’t see the forest for the trees? I love her, very much, and I love my kid. I don’t want to be in a situation where its split custody and I get every second weekend. I am also deeply saddened by the thought that she could replace me with another man. I honestly have never thought I would ever have a family, and now that I do, I don’t even know if I will have it come Christmas time.
I am sure there’s so much smaller nuances I missed but that’s where I am at.
What is the best way for me to help her? Is this relationship salvageable? How can I fix it? I want my child to grow up with a traditional family.
TL; DR
Started dating a girl. She got pregnant. Her demons don’t play nice. Haven’t been truly intimate coming up on a year. Is counselling even a helpful hold out. Drowning.
submitted by ThrowRA-after-use to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.23 04:04 kindamymoose [NF] [RO] One Swipe Right

The art of true human connection has slowly dwindled this year. As COVID-19 has left its imprint on the world, the way we communicate has undergone a massive shift. I have seen the question too many times: “How can I meet someone new with COVID now a thing?”
Most answers will involve internet dating, if that’s your aim. And it’s true! Internet dating has grown massively in popularity over the last handful of years. When I was younger, admitting that you met someone off the internet meant you subjected yourself to the criticisms of a generation that was privileged with largely meeting people through more organic methods. Maybe you weren’t planning on meeting them. Maybe they were your coworker, or the guy you’d always run into at the gas station when you got your morning coffee.
Somehow, as humans, we have managed to trivialize an experience that was designed with intention. I don’t know what I’m looking for will never not annoy the shit out of me, to be quite honest. You know why you’re here, Candice. We all do. Perhaps this is why I am mostly a skeptic of this newfound medium of human connection.
I turned twenty-four and the massively popular dating app Tinder really took off. Everyone you knew had a Tinder. If you didn’t have a Tinder…well, why, you weirdo? The shift from, They met online? Pft! to They met on Tinder, it’s a really cute story!happened in what seemed like the blink of an eye. I felt like a bit of an outsider because I wasn’t halfheartedly swiping through an army of profiles to find my soulmate. It seemed shallow to me.
But it wasn’t, really; I just wasn’t comfortable with my sexuality. I had a few more rough years under my belt before that would ever be resolved. Still, somehow in all of this, I had what some might consider a “casual relationship” (at least by today’s standards) with a coworker. A female coworker. We kept it to ourselves. We were friendly with each other in the office, but people never suspected we were an item. It worked out for the both of us. Neither of us was entirely comfortable sharing that part of ourselves with people that we only knew on a professional level. Still, it was my ill-fated relationship with a woman we’ll call Jamie* that helped me feel more comfortable in my sexuality.
Things with Jamie* did not last. The details of our romantic tryst would be somewhat arduous to get into; we’ll just say we suffered some major issues of compatibility. This story isn’t about Jamie* anyway.
2018 was an awful year. I was set to graduate with my Bachelor’s Degree, the first person in my family to do so. I came from a lower-middle class family. Over half of my college had been paid for, but not having the confidence to pursue what I wanted led me to blow off a lot of my classes. I rode on the coattails of A’s, B’s, and C’s. I had little interest in studying. Even bearing all that in mind, I knew a Bachelor’s Degree, at least for someone in my financial situation, meant the difference between working a factory job for the rest of my life or somehow landing a nice little professional gig.
Up until walking across the stage (and forgetting to shake the Chancellor’s hand because I was so nervous), I wasn’t able to land that fancy little professional gig. I worked in everything from fast food to call centers, and a hospital job that I really liked. Nothing really seemed to stick, but not for lack of trying. The hospital job was my favorite, but the hours weren’t very friendly for a college student. I worked doubles most of the time (0600 – 1930), and sleep was a rare commodity. I made the difficult decision to leave after almost a year.
A few years later, in 2018, my feet landed at an automotive manufacturing plant on the southwest side of my hometown. It was a small plant, with only about 50 or so employees, myself included. I was entrusted to monitor purchase orders and track material through the warehouse. Despite the size of the operation, they housed anywhere between 6-8 million different parts. I had my work cut out for me.
It wasn’t the friendliest of places, either. Most of the factory workers lived very near a town with a reputation for being racist and homophobic. I am a naturally private person as it relates to my dating life. Unfortunately, it’s one of the habits I developed from being deep in the closet. I knew it wouldn’t be safe for me to openly discuss my interest in women in this particular work environment, so I chose not to talk about it. My apprehension didn’t go unnoticed, and a few of my coworkers took it upon themselves to discuss my (unconfirmed) sexuality with each other. This led to uncomfortable jokes and an overall sense of discomfort. I left the job after six months.
I found my way to a staffing and recruiting job in the summer of 2018. I love people – learning about them, helping them, finding out what makes them tick – it was the perfect opportunity for me. I had a previous background in staffing. It seemed like a good match, and all was going well for the first few weeks of training.
Or so I thought.
I had gone on my annual camping trip and came down with an awful cold. The type of cold where I felt like my eyeballs would roll out of my head and onto the floor. My color was off. I was hoarse. I needed to be in bed and resting. I had to make a difficult decision to call off just a few weeks into my new job. My boss seemed understanding when we spoke about it. She let me have two days to recover.
Somewhere during this time, I put myself on dating apps. Yes, it went against my usual sense of skepticism, but I had gotten terribly, terribly lonely. I saw wonderful couples all the time. I knew wonderful couples in my personal life. I wanted to be one-half of a wonderful couple. It was slow-going at first. I didn’t know what to say about myself. I didn’t know which pictures to use. Being an average-looking person, I struggled with the idea of taking endless selfies to show to the world. Would people like what I looked like? Would they like how I described myself? It was a little daunting, to say the least.
There was nothing for the first few days. If it wasn’t obvious, my self-esteem had taken some major hits. I figured maybe online dating wasn’t the right avenue for me after all. Coupled with one of the nastiest colds I’d ever gotten, I felt discouraged by the lack of response.
I was napping on my couch when my phone buzzed. I was half-asleep when I picked it up and saw You have a new like!on my screen. I wiped my eyes and paused for thought. Was this the best time to dip my toes in the water? I didn’t even click on the notification. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety even just thinking about the prospect of someone being interested in me. I put my phone back down and curled up under my covers.
I thought about that notification a little more as I crawled into bed for the evening. My curiosity had gotten the better of me, as it so often does. I opened the app to see who swiped right. She had one of the biggest smiles I’d ever seen. Dimples. Sparkling eyes. Revisiting the whole confidence thing, this seemed too good to be true. I thought about it but didn’t return the match, at least not right that second. I plugged my phone in and went to sleep for the night.
My phone was ringing off the hook the next morning. My boss called to tell me that, despite how much they liked me as a person, I wasn’t the right fit for the job. I was baffled. I didn’t cry, at least not right away. The shock washed over me. I was jobless for the first time in my adult life. I let the feeling settle in and sat on my bed for what seemed like an eternity. It was a cloudy, rainy day that day, a little unusual for early August. The mood matched perfectly, though.
Around 11:00 AM that morning, I got an unsolicited call from another company. They were interested in interviewing me for a recruiting role in the downtown area. It was out of the blue, but the timing was oddly perfect. Naturally, I agreed.
I wouldn’t call myself superstitious. I am probably a little more observant than I let on, though. Still, I recognize the universe sometimes moves in odd ways, and coincidences exist in the realm of possibility at any given time. It seemed like fate. The winds of change were moving in my direction, and it was up to me to keep the momentum going. I opened the app and returned the match. I was motivated by a stroke of dumb luck and that curiosity I mentioned earlier.
Immediately, I noticed she didn’t say much about herself. I am someone that likes a challenge, but with internet dating, this can be a little tricky. I thought about it for a moment. As someone with a background in recruiting, my goal with pretty much any interaction I have with a stranger is to understand what motivates them. I like to learn the ways people tick. I like to learn the things people admire most about themselves. I like to learn what people’s goals and aspirations are. Turns out, those are perfectly valid questions to ask when dating – just not right away.
Women – specifically women – really love it when you ask about their pets. I don’t know what it is. Maybe, buried deep within every woman, there is a maternal instinct that needs to be satisfied. Maybe women just happen to love animals a little more than men. I’m no scientist, and I don’t have any proof outside of anecdotal evidence, but it has never failed me to ask a woman about her dog. This time was no different. A picture with a dog – great, I had an in. We interact with people under the assumption that they will answer. Not answering is the equivalent of walking away from someone who’s approached you in person. I reminded myself not to get my hopes up, though. People read messages all the time and simply forget to respond, or decide the message wasn’t engaging enough, or any other number of things. Staffing and recruiting helped me develop a thick skin for it, I guess.
To my pleasant surprise – she responded. Oddly quick, in fact. Those who know me personally probably don’t know me as the play-it-cool-type (more on that later), but I made the decision, almost immediately, that this was probably best-case scenario for me. We exchanged several messages, all light, but friendly. It’s hard to find conversation where there is substance without too much substance and being overly personal. It’s also hard to find conversation where there isn’t anything worthy of additional conversation. This was a nice balance.
Sometime on day number three, we exchanged numbers. I had given my number to women before, that was no big deal. We asked for each other’s number within the span of one message from each other; it had been on both of our minds, something we joked about for a minute. The conversation moved over to texting and didn’t slow down. The conversation gradually started shifting to things outside of the weather, sports teams, pets. I found myself looking forward to her responses, and disappointed when a notification would come from someone else that was texting me.
Sometime on day number six, much like day number three, something had been on both of our minds: the next step. The meet-up.
Now, I’m not much of a coffee person. In fact, I largely avoid it. Maybe it’s because I’ve watched my mom and dad guzzle down enough cups of coffee to support an entire network of farmers whose lives are dedicated to growing only the most perfect coffee bean. Maybe it’s because my family has joked more than once about thinking of a way to have coffee intravenously pumped into their body. I can’t rule out the fact that I hate the smell, either. The point is, coffee shops are not a place I frequent. But, they are great for first meet-ups. If you can sit through a cup of coffee with someone – or in my case, a cup of hot chocolate – odds are, you can sit through a meal with them. This is the logic I use when thinking of dates.
We agreed to meet up at a local Starbucks. Central location. Mostly quiet. An easy in and out, since most Starbucks employees generally don’t notice people that sit in their shops for an extended period of time. We chose to meet the following Wednesday, just a couple of days after I started my new job. It was set to be a big week for me, and with that came a bundle of nerves I struggled to unravel.
I feel now is the time to tell you I don’t wear dresses. If you ever meet me and I’m wearing a dress, hit me over the head with a skillet. I’ve been taken over by a zombie, or some other creature that has failed to understand just how I present myself these days. But on this day? I wore a dress. A flowery one. I had a pair of sandals to go with it. For some reason, I had a shawl. I felt a little out of my element, but it sort of matched the theme for the day. I was set up to meet this positively gorgeous woman that I wouldn’t have had the courage to talk to under normal circumstances. My choice in wardrobe wasn’t my overall chief concern, but it makes for an entertaining story when I tell people about it.
It was rainy out. A little on the cool side, maybe about 75-ish degrees. Going back to superstition, I wondered if that was a sign. I worried for most of the day if she would ghost me, despite her being perfectly communicative and telling me she was excited to meet me. I watched out of the window for most of the day. I kept waiting for a text apologizing for her not being able to come. It didn’t come, but I worried when she changed our meeting spot at the last minute (our original spot closed as I got off from work).
My workday ended and my friends waited for me to join them on the walk to their cars. I told them I would pass – I was headed to Starbucks. There were some incredulous glances – they knew I didn’t like coffee – but they didn’t question it.
I felt an unusual pang as I made my way to Starbucks. My stomach swirled with nerves. This woman was pretty cute, and I prepared myself to start off strong with a speech impediment, a thing that sometimes happens when I’m nervous. (Hey, R’s are hard.) A car drove by and almost drenched me with rainwater. Again, I questioned if it was a sign.
I nervously crossed the street and approached the window to Starbucks. I looked inside, wondering if she showed up. It was a little hard to see because the window was tinted, but someone that looked like her was sitting very patiently with her hands folded. I took a deep breath and walked around to the entrance of the café. By this point, my hair was wet from the rain. I ordered hot chocolate and waited patiently for the barista to call my name.
I could feel a pair of eyes staring at me from across the room. I did my best to pretend not to notice. Any level of eye contact at this point would have made me more nervous, if that was even possible. I very carefully approached the table. What was I expecting, for her to reach out and bite me? I honestly don’t know. Too many things were going through my mind in those few moments.
She smiled at me. That big, ear-to-ear smile I mentioned earlier. I saw the dimples in real life and thought about melting onto the floor. She was wearing a pink button-up shirt. Her messenger bag was situated comfortably across her shoulder. She sat with her hands still folded. I didn’t say anything right away (see: speech impediment), but we exchanged smiles. “You made it,” I said. Duh, stupid. I pulled out the chair and sat across from her. Neither of us could stop smiling.
When I was young, my school psychologist said I’d have a hard time connecting with people. This was supported by my difficulty in making friends, and how I felt most of my conversations with people went nowhere. As I got older, I got used to people not responding well (or at all) to the small talk I attempted to create. I slowly transitioned to more shallow conversations – words about nothing – and stayed with it. Even in dating. But this…was different. It might be hard to understand, seeing as you’re not in my head. I felt like I was talking to someone I’d known for years. We talked about what seemed like everything, for close to two hours. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that well connected to someone else that quickly, and I knew within five minutes of meeting her that I wanted another date.
It was quite encouraging to hear that she agreed. After what had been a hellish year – unpredictable and discouraging for the largest part – something was finally working out for me. I left that first date with the inability to wipe the smile off my face. I wasn’t completely out at the time, so sharing it with my family wasn’t a possibility. Instead, I shared it with a close friend of mine. She let me ramble to her for a while, taking all of the nervous energy I would have had on my date and filter it through her. She’s always been good for that.
We shared almost two whole months together. August 15thto October 13th. To type it out seems like an obituary. It’s a story that I wished had a happy ending. Instead, it just gets an ending. It’s hard to think back on our time together and forget the first time she kissed me. If humans had the power of flight, I imagine I would have been airborne in those few moments. I will admit I wasn’t a good kisser. I had very little to go off of, embarrassingly enough. But if this concerned her, she never said so.
This is the part of the story where I acknowledge my mistakes. It’s the part where my biggest insecurities shine through. Inexperienced as I was, she didn’t judge me for it. She didn’t care that I still lived with my parents when we dated. My situation was complex, too complex to discuss openly. None of that scared her away. In all of those little moments where I wondered if she’d be scared away, I realized (after things ended) she often asked the same questions, but over things I found to be charming. Examples aren’t important; those conversations are the secrets that I keep, for the most part.
In a moment of weakness, a level of weakness I hesitate to share with myself, she didn’t respond as I hoped she would. To say that you love someone is a weighty thing. I can’t say it now. But, I sense she felt that’s where the conversation was headed. Was there a potential for that to come up eventually –down the road? I’d honestly like to think so. It never quite got the chance. Things ended as quickly as they began.
If you’ve never willingly walked into a situation where you’ve sensed danger, I applaud you. She wanted to talk. She wanted to do it in person. It was crucial that she did so in person. The warmth that I felt from the two months that we spent getting to know each other was absent in those messages. It seemed more like a task than anything else. Something you know has to be done, no matter how badly you don’t want to do it. As much as I felt it on my end, I wondered how it felt for her.
Of all places, we met at a Starbucks. It was a beautiful autumn day. It was about 60 degrees. The leaves were starting to change color. We discussed that, very briefly. I was stalling at that point. I didn’t want to hear the words, but I knew they were coming. To my surprise, she led off with a question: “Did you mean it?” And, for the sake of both of our privacy, I won’t share the “it.” But, yes. I did mean it. There was an obvious shift in mood. That warmth – the one I’ve mentioned a couple of times now – was gone. Hands folded on both of us. I couldn’t look her in the eyes, but I felt the tears building.
You know how in movies when something bad is about to happen, time slows down? Words come out a little slower. You can hear your own pulse. That’s sort of what it felt like when she said, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” I felt a tear run down my cheek. I have never been a fan of crying in front of people, and this was no exception, but it was a pain that commanded my attention. She followed it up with a few things – some of those things I remember, and some of them I don’t.
I remember almost pleading with her for a second, as pathetic as that might sound. I wanted the chance to explain myself, a chance I hadn’t been given earlier on in the week. But it was clear her mind was made up. Whatever it was she felt for me, if it was anything, was gone now. I remember her alluding to our relationship being a mistake, and that it probably wasn’t a good idea she asked me to be her girlfriend. I didn’t know what to say. She seemed puzzled by my feelings for her. I didn’t. I don’t necessarily act strictly on emotion, but I do listen to my gut when something feels right. My gut feeling this time just happened to involve my feelings, feelings that, unfortunately for me, were not shared.
We talked for a while longer. I cried. A lot. I reflect on that day and wonder if she thinks I’m nuts. Maybe I am, I don’t know. I remember passersby staring at me, probably because of the whole crying thing. I felt a fine mixture of humiliation and heartbreak. I asked her to sit with me while my Uber was on its way to me, and to my surprise, she did. She didn’t have to, but it would be the last time I saw her.
She said we could be friends. Maybe it was her attempt to placate me. Maybe it was a genuine attempt for something down the road, but nothing ever come of those words. I do not blame her for this. It hurts, but I recognize why a lot of people simply aren’t friends with their exes. In my life, I’ve managed to find ways to recalibrate when a situation isn’t ideal. Maybe it was my upbringing. Maybe it’s just the way my mind works. The shift from dating to friendship is one that I have successfully maneuvered before, but only when it was established that no lingering feelings were present.
Caring about someone but not having an idea of what their life looks like two years later is challenging. It’s a constant mystery. I think about her often, probably more often than I should. To say that our previous relationship suffered the oversimplification of, If they liked you, they’d be with youis a tough pill to swallow, but I have.
I look back at myself two years ago and I look at myself now. We’re almost a different person, which probably means I’ve done something right. If I feel I’ve been hurt or I’ve suffered in any way, it can easily be justified by learning a lesson. I’ve learned a lot of lessons over the last two years; the most important, I think, is not wanting something too badly.
The second lesson is that people are inherently complex. Relationships aren’t rigidly defined by overly simplistic principles. There is usually more to the story. Despite all of this, I think, people are mostly good. And yet, people aren’t just one thing, either. People get sad, scared, anxious, angry, and a wealth of other emotions that can’t possibly be listed entirely here. For the most part, a relationship isn’t easily defined by the last few moments of it. Even if it ends unexpectedly.
The last two years have been a mixture of challenging and exciting. The microseconds I share of it on social media likely paint the picture of someone that mostly has her shit together – and that’s not completely off base. In April of 2019 – April 7th, specifically – I came out to my family. My parents knew. It had been discussed a few months before. It was a relief to finally tell them. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could start dating openly; I had been planning to introduce her to my parents at some point. Though it never came to fruition, I would like to think my parents would have really liked her. (But, it’s not healthy to dwell on this particular thought so much.)
I’ve dated off and on since, or at least I’ve tried to. Nothing has panned out. I’m not quite 30 yet. I have just under a year to go, in fact. I look at all of my friends in committed relationships and I ponder how they came to be. The work that it takes to work with someone. The moment they were able to look someone in the eye and tell them they love them, what that must have felt like. Perhaps there are too many layers there for me.
I’m a deeply sensitive person, maybe to a fault. Despite my belief that the world is kind – or at least there are kind people in it – maybe the universe is protecting me from something. Or, maybe I’m just not cut out for a relationship. One positive takeaway from our breakup was the confidence she had in me that I would find someone else. I sometimes hear those words when I feel too lonely. Call them a motivator, or perhaps a way to pull myself out of a bad mood, but I’d like to think there is some level of truth to them.
And to think, all of this came from just a little swipe.
submitted by kindamymoose to shortstories [link] [comments]


2020.09.23 04:02 Giggy2112 Help me (29F) make sense of what just happened

Hello, long time lurker here.
Backstory:
Long story short, I had a LTR unilaterally end in 2018, not by my choice. I was completely head over heels, but we had a anxious-avoidant dynamic and in hindsight it was rather toxic for the last few years. I recovered over the next 1.5 years (with a therapist) and have been dating, through both OLD and in-person, over that time until now. I don't typically have trouble getting dates, or finding men who want to date me. I've been the one to end every new relationship I started since the last LTR. The longest one has lasted maybe 6-weeks, none have progressed to what I would call a real relationship. Usually I start off attracted to the person, but over time realize that we aren't compatible for what I'm looking for (a life partner).
I've recently realized (in the past few months during quarantine) that this is partially because I'm 1) afraid of being smothered by men who get very quickly into me, and 2) I'm afraid of getting hurt again like I did in 2018. On some level it was also because these men truly weren't good fits. Since then I've been doing a lot of internal work to really allow myself to open up again and have true hope that something could work out. It's involved a lot of self-compassion and introspection. Before, I dated with a more casual strategy. Date multiple people at once, don't get too attached, have sex early. I decided to change my strategy up, to wait longer before having sex and really try to get to know one person at a time and decide whether I was into them deliberately. To only keep dating people I really had a connection with, not just any man who seemed to want me. To try to be vulnerable.
What I need support/validation on:
3 weeks ago I met S through OLD, no mutual friends. We chatted a bunch online and eventually decided to meet up. I was instantly smitten with him and it seemed mutual. He said he wasn't currently dating anyone else. It was one of those connections where you seem to share the most random life details and it feels like fate. He was considerate of my feelings, happy to respect my boundaries and generally seemed like an understanding, funny and cute person, on the same wavelength as me. Also just weird in the exact "right" way that I feel weird. Over the next 2 weeks we went on 3 more dates, which culminated in a big evening date last Thursday where we ended up having sex for a few hours and I slept over. Honestly it seemed to be going great, some friends that I mentioned it to also said that objectively it sounded different from how my dating normally goes.
Over this time I actually started... feeling excited. I don't often meet men that I seem to click with this instantly, it had been so long since I'd had any hope. I was trying really hard not to let my feelings run away from my brain, since it was so new, but I just really liked him! Contrary to my natural inclinations, I decided NOT to force any kind of "what are we?" conversation early on, because I felt those impulses were driven mostly by anxiety and uncertainty. I really wanted to just give this a shot at playing out naturally and not force anything.
Well, it played out naturally. Yesterday we made plans to hang out again tonight, and I offered to make dinner for us both. I plan a nice meal, get groceries, clean my apartment - I'm excited. Then I get the dreaded text in the early afternoon that... well. An old flame has resurfaced that he wants to give it a go with. And he's choosing her over me. Even though I'm "amazing" and "hella cool".
This feels so sudden. And I know it's not good, but I can't help but keep replaying all the signs he gave that he was interested and feeling like this was a valid and true connection. But part of me wonders, Was it just for sex? What could I have done differently? I haven't felt this heartbroken since my ex left me in 2018. Which is ridiculous because I've known this guy for 3 weeks. So I know what I'm really sad about is the feeling of disappointment from the sudden loss of hope I was accidentally assigning this person who I barely knew.
It just feels extremely hard to continue to pick myself and my heart back up off the floor. How do you make sense of sudden disappointments like this? How do you keep convincing yourself that this time, it will finally work out? When every single time, it doesn't?
Any words of wisdom or empathy would be welcome.
--C

edited for grammar
submitted by Giggy2112 to datingoverthirty [link] [comments]


2020.09.22 22:29 Naive-Turnip-9657 Whiplash from in-laws changing their behavior towards me - do I confront them, ignore, or forgive?

My apologies for being a new account; I made a reddit specifically to post this. I've really been cut up about this situation.
My husband's parents have been overtly excluding me/us from the family for years.
My husband's younger sister and I have turned into best friends. In 2018, SIL got engaged around the same time I got pregnant, and our due date turned out to be their set wedding date. They couldn't come up with any other date that worked as well, so we told them not to worry about it and that we'd come if we could. The wedding was 2 hours from our town, but it was in a big city with plenty of in-network hospitals; plus, contrary to what you see on TV, first labors tend to go very slowly. I wasn't worried about it
At the rehearsal dinner, I was not allowed to sit with the family. MIL said there was "no room." Instead, SIL's fiance's grandma's sister took the seat next to my husband, and I sat by myself in a corner. My husband was furious but didn't cause a scene, for SIL's sake.
On the morning of the wedding, I had no signs at all of labor. We were getting ready to drive over when MIL called DH. She said that SIL was so stressed about us coming to the wedding and that we should stay home. I was mad - I am a full-grown woman and can make my own decisions! But when MIL said it would ruin the wedding for SIL if we came, we backed down. It broke our hearts not to be there. DH has only cried 3 times in his adult life, and one of them was that day.
A week later, when SIL and her new husband came to meet the newborn baby, we mentioned what happened on their wedding day and they were shocked. MIL had totally made all of that up. SIL wanted us there.
There are other examples, but basically, ever since then, DH and I have not been included in the anything that involves FIL and MIL.
We bought a home and settled down in my small hometown, at DH's request. Fast forward to August 2020: FIL and MIL suddenly move to our town. Now they are always asking us to come over, constantly showering me with compliments, and leaving sickly sweet comments on all of my social media posts.
But I'm still bitter about the wedding and the years of ostracism. I'm mad that FIL and MIL won't even casually apologize. If it were up to me, I'd sit them down and talk to them about it, but DH is sure it'll go horribly (FIL is infamously sensitive), so I just avoid them. DH visits them without me. When I do have to be around them, I'm too mad or uncomfortable to talk much. I have definitely not forgiven them. I think DH would like me to.
So do I make them talk it out? Forgive and forget? Or just keep avoiding them?
TLDR: My husband's parents uninvited us from an important family events and have excluded us for years. Now they have moved to our town and are acting like nothing ever happened.
submitted by Naive-Turnip-9657 to JUSTNOMIL [link] [comments]


2020.09.22 22:09 Naive-Turnip-9657 AITA for refusing to forgive my in-laws without an apology?

My apologies for being a new account; I made a reddit specifically to post this. I've really been cut up about this situation.
My husband's (Thomas's) parents (Rob and Denise) have been overtly excluding me from the family for years.
My husband's younger sister (Addie,) and I have turned into best friends. In 2018, Addie got engaged around the same time I got pregnant, and our due date turned out to be their set wedding date. They couldn't come up with any other date that worked as well, so we told them not to worry about it and that we'd come if we could. The wedding was 2 hours from our town, but it was in a big city with plenty of in-network hospitals; plus, contrary to what you see on TV, first labors tend to go very slowly. I wasn't worried about it
At the rehearsal dinner, I was not allowed to sit with the family. Denise said there was "no room." Instead, Addie's husband's grandma's sister took the seat next to my husband, and I sat by myself in a corner. My husband was furious but didn't cause a scene, for Addie's sake.
On the morning of the wedding, I had no signs at all of labor. We were getting ready to drive over when Denise called Thomas. She said that Addie was so stressed about us coming to the wedding and that we should stay home. I was mad - I am a full-grown woman and can make my own decisions! But when Denise said it would ruin the wedding for Addie if we came, we backed down. It broke our hearts not to be there. Thomas has only cried 3 times in his adult life, and one of them was that day.
A week later, when Addie and her new husband came to meet the newborn baby, we mentioned what happened on their wedding day and they were shocked. Denise had totally made all of that up. Addie and her husband wished we had been there and were sad they would think of that every time they see their wedding photos.
There are other examples, but basically, ever since then, Thomas and I have not been included in the anything that involves Rob and Denise.
We bought a home and settled down in my small hometown, at Thomas's request. Fast forward to August 2020: Rob and Denise suddenly move to our town. All of a sudden they are always asking us to come over (not willing to come to our house though), constantly shower me with compliments, and leave sickly sweet comments on all of my social media posts.
But I'm still bitter about the wedding and the years of ostracism. I'm mad that Rob and Denise won't even casually apologize. If it were up to me, I'd sit them down and talk to them about it, but Thomas is sure it'll go horribly, so I just avoid them. Thomas visits them without me. When I do have to be around them, I'm too mad or uncomfortable to talk much. I have definitely not forgiven them. I think Thomas would like me to.
So AITA?
TLDR: My husband's parents uninvited us from an important family events and have excluded us for years. Now they have moved to our town and are acting like nothing ever happened. AITA for not accepting their new affection?
submitted by Naive-Turnip-9657 to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]


2020.09.21 09:56 ineededabackup Nearly two years of up and down but very frequent FWB-type situation, I find out he has likely been with his supposed long-term ex much of if not all of the time. Should I tell her? Should I tell him I know? Advice or thoughts welcome, I am trying to get this right and ready to end things.

I (34F) have been seeing a guy (37M) casually but fairly consistently since December 2018 when he picked me up outside a club and was very persistent in getting together and progressing things physically and with frequency from there. He's an actomodel. I wasn't ready to jump into anything quickly, and he just seemed to want to stay in and blaze together, talk for hours, and you know, get it on real good, but didn't ever want to take me out. I ended up pausing things with him and dating another guy briefly who was taking me out and seemed to be more serious and ready. He said he wished he'd progressed things with me, and to let him know if I wanted to grab a drink sometime.
The guy I decided to see instead wasn't right for me and and I messaged him a few weeks later. He was just getting off a plane, back from his hometown, and said he would be at my place in 30. We hooked up constantly all summer, and I was starting to develop feelings. Then, last September just as I was thinking of asking him where he was at with things, because we were seeing each other so much (4 nights a week easily) some weird stuff went down with one of my closest friends he bumped into fooled into thinking knew him from back home (he'd seen her picture but not met her, gave her a different version of his name), and he said it was his way of showing me we want different things. I was so ready to move on, but he kept texting me, wanting to spend time together, insisting nothing happened because he never actually pursued her after texting with her until 3am. He convinced me that he was into me, but said that things are "complicated." I thought it was a career thing, wanting to keep his options open for charming his way to success, or pick up hot models if he felt like it, not ready to settle down. We've been off and on constantly since then, and when we were on, it would be hanging and talking, watching tv and listening to music late at night, then crazy good sex - once and a while a quick booty call, but usually we'd spend time together. Whenever I tried to end things with him, he's be texting me within the week, as if nothing had happened. I'd wondered if he was still in love with his ex of over 5 years, because I noticed a vacation photo book on his shelf, and that she and her sister were still on his Netflix. I've never been under the impression we were exclusive (I've seen other people too briefly but nothing serious enough to continue), except for in early Covid days when he said he wanted to be COVID-exclusive basically, and I asked if he was on this level with anyone else, to which he said he was definitely not and laughed. I was worried about getting attached to someone who I didn't think was realistic long term, but available, familiar, hot, hot hot chemistry... and things went well until he sounded suspicious of my social distancing (I'd been to a very small birthday party on my friend's building lawn, and hung out with my friend in my circle. Allergy season was kicking into high gear too, which puts him flat out, and racial tensions were on the rise (this was around Cinco de Mayo; he is black). He suddenly bailed on me when we had plans, and things broke down fully a few days later - he ended up calling me a dumb bitch, saying my crew is trash, and that me and my friend were racially profiling him by assuming he is a player.. it was a full on dumpster fire and the next day he was trying to message me, on messages and WhatsApp, saying that the name calling had gone a bit far, but it got me where I needed to be, that I would find a great guy who treats me right, and that it was fun while it lasted. And then again claimed to have never been interested in my friend.
I let things sit for almost two months, but I hated how badly we left things. It didn't fit with who I thought he was at all. I texted him and said I didn't like how we had left things, and that I'd like an opportunity to clear some things up on my end, and it would be great if he could do the same. He responded later that night "what's there to talk about" and "I'm not much of a talker"...come over and blaze. I didn't sleep with him but he tried. Again the next week he texted to blaze, and I didn't want to have this conversation late, inebriated. He told me this though - he said he was really really attracted to me, but we don't have a future. I asked why and he said we are on different levels, and again, I asked what he meant, and he said I was too traditional. Whatever that means. We have been hanging out a few nights a week since then, and have been fooling round, but I've drawn the line at no penetration until we sat down and talked about shit in depth, but he has certainly tried. He's trying to come over during the day, after work now. We've often hung out very late There is other weird stuff with my friends he has connected with, totally coincidental and disconnected from me , and I am just mentioning this for further context. Fast forward to last weekend, I see him in what appears to be a couples trip instagram photo from a surf trip he went on a couple weeks ago (he was texting me while he was there). I don't recognize a few of the people, including the girl standing next to him, but I assume she is with the man with the baby behind her. Wrong. Upon further investigation, the man/baby are with the woman on the edge with the dog. I look more closely and see she looks a bit like his ex. Then I compare.. yup.. could be her, hard to tell with sunglasses. One of my best gfs I was texting with confirmed. Fast forward to today. My friend requested to follow her from her not art/photography account on instagram, and she accepted. Pictures of them together last month, and then month before. He was back home for her graduation last June, and they were together, and we were definitely on then. It looks like he moved here while she was still finishing her undergrad, and moved here last September for grad school, and that's when things got weird here. Makes sense now. Maybe they were broken up when we met, but they were on again pretty quick.
I wasn't expecting him to be exclusive (aside from early COVID, and wanted to talk about now, because he is high risk and I've been respecting that) but I definitely wasn't expecting to find out that I am essentially the other woman, I was expecting a new girl or side girl. And this is a long time.. almost two years now. I am not sure what to do - if I were her, I would want to know that my boyfriend was up to these antics (have friend who has been in similar situation who is firm on this currently). But is that my ego wanting to sabotage things for him, retaliation? Now the waste of time is very clear to me and obviously I'm a bit burnt (yeah yeah, I could see this coming a mile away but this chemistry and connection and mysteriousness was something else, I have not been able to let go). This would seriously mess up his life. I don't know how he will react. I am tempted to message her directly, perhaps anonymously. I am tempted to ask him if he is seeing anyone else, or confront him about this and other stuff too. I am wondering if I should just surrender it and let it go. Walk away. Block him. Tonight he has been messaging me about a desk he got and thinks I should get.

TL;DR: I just found out the guy I've been hanging out very casually with/FWB but developed feelings for and have generally seen a few times a week for nearly two years has been with his "ex girlfriend" for the majority of the time, if not all of it. They may have done long distance, or they may have broken up briefly, but he's been pursuing hooking up with me the entire time. If she was a random, new girl, this would be different, but I think she deserves to know the truth, given how invested (around 6 years?) she is in it. But am I just hurting people, and putting myself in a bad situation where he could be unpredictable, and unnecessary to involve myself in energetically? Is my desire to tell him off and show him I have the power just going to trip me up?
submitted by ineededabackup to relationships [link] [comments]


2020.09.20 19:45 BelowTheRidge What do I make of this? Looking for godly advice/thoughts.

Here's the super-long backstory of my very interesting situation, for anyone curious:
Back in May 2018 I went on a date with this girl in NYC. We had matched on the dating app Coffee Meets Bagel, which shows you one potential match per day. Thus, actually matching with someone on that app—for me at least—is kind of a rare occurrence, and to this day she's the only girl from that particular app who I've actually gone on a date with. (That being said, I don't even always check the app, so maybe I'd have more luck if I did.)
Anyways, I was 25 at the time; she was 20. We met for lunch at a Mexican place near where I lived. It was a fun date; we got along well and talked a lot. I had texted her sometime after the date telling her I had a nice time; she replied a few hours later, saying that she had a nice time too but that she had been thinking about it and she thought it wouldn't be wise for her to pursue anything—since she was soon leaving NY for a long summer job or something, and she wasn't sure she'd be around longterm anyways. And that she had a lot going on and felt she wasn't in the right place for a relationship.
So that kind of sucked, but whatever; I appreciated her being up front with me. In the back of my mind I thought "This girl probably just doesn't like me; the excuse is probably something she just came up with." But I looked her up online some months later and sure enough, not only had she left the state for the summer thing she mentioned; soon after, but she had somehow landed a piano gig on a cruise ship. (Btw, she's a musician; so am I. Also a Christian.)
Back in March, I moved back home to FL to stay with my family, due to the pandemic and high rent. Well, last week I opened CMB. And... she was my daily pick, here in the same city as me. Of all the people, and of all the places she could be. I couldn't believe it! Not to mention I don't even check the app daily, so it seemed like a one-in-a-million chance. I swiped right on her, and sent her a message along the lines of "Oh my gosh. We went on a date up in NYC," and asked her how she's been and whatnot. She matched/responded, and she couldn't believe it either. Said she had dropped out of college and spent the last two years working on the cruise ship, and just stopped right before COVID. And that her family lives an hour-and-a-half away, but her dad has another place near me where she stays sometimes.
We chatted back and forth and I ended up asking her if she'd be interested in going out again sometime—told her that I didn't know if before was due to her not being interested in me period, or if it was just the fact that she was moving away. She mentioned the idea of us doing a FaceTime date sometime, and said that she's got a lot of stuff going on in her life and a lot she's dealing with and that if she got into anything romantic it'd be slow, but that she was definitely interested in getting to know me better and that it would be possible this time around since there's no time stamp like last time... And she said about how wild it was, that we reconnected like this. According to her, she had actually just re-downloaded the app the night before, and woke up the next morning to see that I was her first pic! Crazy.
So I was obviously thrilled to hear that, and was totally fine with the idea of taking things exceptionally slow. We chatted some more that day about faith, although she disappeared for a few hours randomly (which made me nervous, lol). Didn't hear anything the next morning; figured I'd just wait for her to message back. (I have anxiety/OCD so this stuff is always tough for me, lol.) As time went on, I was worried I had turned her off, or that she didn't really want to talk to me or something. But then I kept reminding myself that she's probably just busy, or forgot, or something. Because again, I know I have a tendency to assume the worst even when it's not.
Then that afternoon a notification preview showed up on my phone—it was her, and the first few lines that my phone showed, showed that she was agreeing with what I had said last night and was talking more about the topic we had been discussing (church and faith). So I breathed a sigh of relief, lol. But I didn't want to open it and respond because I didn't want to appear desperate or something; figured I'd let it sit a little while. I heard a couple more alert tones from my phone—2 more messages from her! So I was excited to read and respond later. After a bit, I decided I'd at least read what she had sent... The first couple longish messages were relating to the conversation we had been having before (so it did seem she was enjoying the convo, at least). But then she sent this, too:
"It is really nice to reconnect with you!
It is crazy that the app just popped you up. And I have to say thank you again for the Godly encouragement. This has been a really lovely chat that I am enjoying, but I want to be upfront with how I'm feeling today. I redownloaded the app to gauge if I was ready to put myself out there again and this morning it's just clear to me that I'm not. Again, this has been a truly delightful conversation and reconnection. But it's clear to me that my head and heart are all over the place in my life, and I need to stay focused on my own healing journey.
I'm bummed but it still feels like too much for me right now to pursue new relationships. I want to be honest because it's so evident that you're a man with a good heart, and I appreciate that.
So for now, I think I am going to say au revoir and give you all my best wishes as we all navigate a truly crazy time ❤️ thank you for this delightful reconnection. I hope that we are both making music so soon!"
So, that was a major bummer for me. :/ I said I understood and wished her the best. Of course, my first thought was, "This is just like a couple years ago; she must just not like me." But I spoke to my therapist about it, and she said that rather than assume it's something wrong with me or that I did/said something wrong, I should take what this girl said at face value rather than try and read between the lines too much for something that's not there—and that she's clearly got a lot going on in her life.
After all, if she just wasn't interested she could have deleted the chat/blocked me/said she just wasn't interested, etc. But she proposed the FaceTime date idea, she said she was def interested in getting to know me better, and she said that she had just re-downloaded the app and that I was her first person. So idk. Part of me really wonders if this was a divine thing from God; it just seems too weird to be a coincidence. I mean, what are the chances of us matching again on the app in another state two years later?! So maybe if it's meant to be, things will work out down the road. But I'm having a tough time.
I forgot to mention, but her profile said she's "never been in love." So it's possible she's just scared of relationships, in general? Idk. Last night—a week after our last exchange—I sent her a message just expressing interest in a friendship (since we both just moved to the state and I could use a friend), or meeting casually sometime/taking things very slow. I said no pressure, and that I understand if she's not interested.
I searched her name on my computer and our old iMessage texting exchange from two years ago popped up; obviously I don't want to come off as a creep, but my therapist suggested I first send that message which I sent last night in the app—and then if I don't hear anything, wait a few weeks and shoot her a text to her number. And then leave it at that. (Btw, the app is about to close our conversation tomorrow. Not sure if this girl deleted the app from her phone but her account still exists—or if she is lying and talking to other guys—but somehow or another I'm still able to view our chat for now.)
My therapist (a Christian) also suggested that maybe God is even deliberately withholding this relationship for now, because I've been changing my life a lot recently and working on improving my relationship with him—and that maybe he doesn't want me to get distracted by this girl? Who knows, it's possible. I'm a bit of a "Prodigal Son" who has "come home" this year, and these days I'm praying and reading my Bible daily. So I would definitely hate to somehow undermine the progress I've been making, on the God-front.
But what can I say: I'm really bummed by this, because it just seemed to be such a crazy thing. Almost like a sign from God; I really wondered if maybe she might be "the one." And I was so happy that she really seemed interested, too. So for it to seem so hopeful, and then one day later have the hopes dashed by her, was kind of an emotional rollercoaster. Oh well. I'd appreciate anyone's thoughts/advice on this, if you're still reading. Lol
Tldr: Matched in FL on a dating app with a Christian girl who I had matched with/went on a date with two years ago in NYC. Absolutely crazy coincidence—if that's what it was. Furthermore, she claimed she had just re-downloaded the app the night before, and woke up to see that of all people, I was her first pick! (The app only shows you one person a day.) She seemed excited to try things again with me (since the reason she said things couldn't work out back in NY was due to her not feeling like she was in the right place for a relationship, and that she was going to be leaving the state soon for the whole summer). One day later, she changed her mind and said she... doesn't feel like she's in the right place for a relationship. :/ I'm bummed.
submitted by BelowTheRidge to TrueChristian [link] [comments]


2020.09.20 11:52 DarkLights666 Dad is suicidal, using meth and pills, I'm worried he's going to kill himself - and lying to me? 23 yo male recovered addict here.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - CHILD ABUSE, RAPE, DRUGS, TRAUMA, MENTAL HEALTH, SUICIDE, MANIPULATION, FAMILY PROBLEMS, CUSTODY ISSUES, ETC
I'm sorry this is so long but I am desperate for help. Like the title says the man is on a rapid downward spiral. I'm known to make excuses for him, but he really is a good guy. I mean he's a single dad that raised 3 kids. Worked his ass off every day of his life for the kids. Anyways, I've never released this info to anyone before but I am truly at a loss. FYI I am clean as of 2018 (I'm not as of tonight because of dad.) I struggle with PTSD and trauma of all kinds, manic depression, panic disorder, borderline personality disorder, and god knows what else. Background: my dad is my hero. I'm 23, he is 42. My grandma (his mom) is his hero - I'll explain that relevance later. I grew up without a mom or any other family except my grandma and him. So, they're all I have. My dad is an ex addict and ex criminal (stealing cars, selling/doing drugs, running from cops when he was my age) He quit smoking crack and doing coke when I was 2 and hadn't touched drugs to my knowledge since (he punished me SEVERELY for things like weed/acid when I was a kid.) He cleaned up raising me, he did the best he could as a young dad. I ended up being abused every which way my childhood by everyone else, mostly by my mother, but he didn't abuse me sexually..emotionally/psychologically? Absolutely. I chalk it up to him being a young single dad raising me in the hood. I am also an ex addict, sober as of 2018 from heroin, meth, and benzos,and others. I went thru the rehab system several times. I turned out highly intelligent, sensitive, emotional, and in relevance to this story - a people pleaser, very submissive and fragile and sensitive. Backstory of the kids: So, my dad's gf's brother produced 2 beautiful girls born addicted to heroin. They are 6 and 7 now. The biological dad and mom are in and out of jail, out of their lives. Him and his gf (their aunt btw) took them as their own upon hospital release. Not knowing who was daddy or mommy has already messed them up - they are 6 and 7. So. His gf left him about 3 months ago and took the kids with her. They are staying with her and her family - whom are emotionally unavailable to them and just yell, argue, and probably do drugs to some degree. I don't want them there. After she left and took the kids, this is a short list of my dad's behavior. He deleted his facebook, cut off every single friend and family member he ever had. I had to pry into him, as my only parent which I need, but also out of desperate concern. He just dropped off the face of the earth. He told me he hasn't showered in almost a week, hasn't eaten in days, has been severely neglecting his job at the hospital (which he doesn't like.) He's just sitting in the house alone watching TV on the couch. No motivation, can't do anything, makes suicide jokes like I do, literally hasn't left the house in weeks other than to get cigarettes, has serious red flags as far as mental health. I have NEVER seen him like this, ever. He's on medication but it does nothing for his depression, OCD anxiety etc. Everyone is concerned to some degree...but I'm the only one he let in. We are wildly similar - some people call me his clone. I went over today and he opened up emotionally to me for once. He has always been emotionally distant and unavailable. He admitted "he's fucked" and "his life is over" "I have dreams of dying," I wish I would." But here's the thing - our heartfelt conversation was over many lines of meth. A few times ago I went there I relapsed on meth with him for the first time since 2018. It happens frequently now, every time I go over there. He is taking opiates like percocet daily, taking Adderall a lot for motivation, obviously the meth - which he allegedly "hates the shit" and only has it cuz it friend gives it to him. He even smoked weed yesterday which he never does. He talks it off as he's not addicted, only does it here and there, not a problem, just self medicating - classic rationalization of addictions. I've always believed him as he's strongly against lying, and he knows how much I look up to him. I think he knows this. The thing that first made me question all this - is he still gets the kids on the weekends. I know the drugs are in the house. I believe he doesn't do it around them, but he mentioned having coke last weekend, which they were there. He's always on the opioids for his back pain but he has hundreds of empty bottles. I know he gets high on it. My roommates are saying he is manipulating me (and everyone else) to shut me down and shut me out. They are begging me to call 911, perform wellness checks, have him admitted, etc. I feel like he is affecting my sobriety by whipping out the meth in front of me, casually, and normalizing drugs between us. His actions and words are ABSOLUTELY affecting my mental health. Every time he doesn't text back (which is almost every time) I freak out and start crying and rush over thinking I'm going to find his dead body. He has tons of drugs and guns so it wouldn't be hard. I had a date last night and cried and sobbed the entire time I was with her because I can't get rid of these thoughts, these dreams. I'm mortified, terrified, and scared to death. I have dreams about it and cry every day. I let him know these feelings, and I get "I'm fine" "I can't do that to you and the kids and Grammy" "idk if I'll die tomorrow, I might, I can't promise anything" stuff like that. This is the first time in my life I'm not exactly believing him. So my roommates, whom are terrified for me, are saying he is manipulating me, lying to me, shutting me down, and undermining everything. They said he's talking me in circles, enabling me, rationalizing drugs, speaking to me as if I'm inferior. I don't see it, he's my hero, but they are intelligent and trusted and experienced in this. He has always based his personality on being honest, NEVER lying. But for once, I'm not sure. He said if I were to call the cops, hed lie and say he's fine, get off my property, etc. He does not tell his doctor the truth because mentioning suicide gets a trip to inpatient. I'm at a loss and my roommates are ready to call the cops for me. I feel trapped - I'm my dad's therapist, I call text and show up at his house every day now. I go over there randomly. Do I do something or say something, and have him absolutely seething at me? Or do I continue being his personal therapist and doing checkups, and being there for him? He says I do more than anything else would but I'm 23 and I don't fully have my shit together. I feel trapped. Either way I lose. This affecting my life, is an understatement. My grandma, his mom, keep in mind, knows he hasn't been doing well but is an innocent jehovas witness and knows nothing of the criminal life or drug life. But she has a way to get to him and make him do things - he listens to her. My roommates have suggested telling Grammy and maybe his dad who is ex police, tho retired alcoholic. Grammy WILL confront him and go after him. I just... Can't. Being the good soul I am I just listen and be there and show him love the best I can. We have become very close thru trauma, addiction/drugs, and tragedy. Healthy? Idk. So - what on earth do I do? He said he won't listen or comply with police or mental health professionals, and apparently not me either. He got horribly angry when I mentioned getting help over the phone - the kind that makes the little boy that wants to please his dad inside me, just shut up and do what I'm told. The fact that the kids are most likely near drugs wherever they go makes me very angry. That is js not acceptable. He's on a downward spiral, he offers me drugs, I don't even know what's going on, it's happening so fast and my head is spinning. Any advice or comments about our relationship and what to do are greatly appreciated. I plan on telling his parents, tomorrow (er today) in person. I'm sorry for being all over the place, I did the best I can with this. Admittedly, I am still high on the meth we snorted together but VERY scared for my dad. I can't lose him but I can't lose myself. Thank you for reading.
submitted by DarkLights666 to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 13:52 nextzero182 I watch a horror movie every day, here's everything I watched in August

(2019) The Lighthouse 9.5/10
The visuals are jaw-dropping; almost every single frame of this film is photographic. The soundtrack is stripped down to just these haunting sounds of fog horns and piss buckets. The package everything is delivered in, from an artistic standpoint, is so memorable. The performances by Pattinson and Dafoe are both some of the best I’ve seen this entire year and really, the decade…possibly of all time. They deliver this brilliant script’s dialogue with such passion, humor and intensity. The story in this film is shrouded in mystery but the clues and tools needed to decipher it do exist and with a re-watch, finding them felt so rewarding.
(2007) Zodiac 9/10
This is one of my favorite Fincher movies and for anyone familiar with his stellar catalogue, that’s a bold claim. It feels so real and lived-in. The cast is absolutely stacked but so complimentary. It’s not the most violent film, it’s much more story driven but the moments of violence feel fucking powerful. The horror in this film isn’t about the serial killer, it’s really about obsession and Gyllenhaal absolutely nails his performance to bring that aspect home. Despite this film’s high praise by critics and regular assholes like myself, it is a slow-burn. It’s long and tedious and that aspect, which I love, could easily turn someone off.
(1981) Raiders of the Lost Ark 9/10
Raiders of the Lost Arc is such an important movie to me. It helped open my eyes to darker content as a child, for better or worse. It also introduced me to one of my favorite characters of all time, Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford doesn’t play a superhero in this movie, he’s very flawed and mortal. Yet, somehow he always seems to prevail, despite dire circumstances. Everything that could ever be said about this film has been said, I’m just here to show my appreciation.
(2014) Spring 8.5/10
This movie is wonderful, raw, natural and intriguing. It’s not over-acted or overthought in any way. It’s fucked up and complicated. This felt like an homage to Possession but the love story aspect really shines through. It feels helpless and hopeful at the same time. Benson’s script is amazing. The influences are impossible not to see but the dialogue is incredibly natural. The reactions are the same. I’ve always said that films shot in idyllic landscapes are a blank canvas for horror. There’s so much beautiful contrast.
(2007) Timecrimes 8.5/10
I loved this movie when I first saw it but upon rewatching it, I can’t help but stress its influence in the time-loop horror sub-genre. Sure films like Primer definitely helped pave the way but Timecrimes really manages to focus less on the science fiction and more on the horrifying consequences that come with time travel. I really enjoyed Karra Elajalde’s performance, his character’s physical and mental degradation throughout the film is really a high point to me. Almost all of these films on paper would seem predictable in concept but Timecrimes is just another one that manages to pull you in despite that. A part of me knew exactly how this was going to play out but a bigger part of me was too engrossed to be sure.
(2018) Gwen 8.5/10
This movie is an atmospheric slow burn down to the T so if that’s a sub-genre you generally don’t enjoy, this isn’t going to be something to change your mind. With that being said, it’s an incredibly heartbreaking story that, while exists in the folk-horror genre, subverts any and all expectations. The characters are real and suffering in this sort of beautiful but also incredibly bleak, barren landscape. Eleanor Worthington-Cox and Maxine Peaks carry the entire film. The story itself, while simple, yet powerful, is unwoven tediously, evoking all sorts of dread. I don’t think- scratch that, I know everyone is not going to like this movie. The plot is way too stripped down for mainstream appeal. If you find yourself empathizing with the characters and become personally involved in the period and setting, it can be an emotional watch.
(2005) Constantine 8.5/10
I was pretty surprised at the semi-mixed reaction to this film before I learned it was a comic book adaptation. Listen, I’ve obviously never even heard about this comic but let me just say, as a standalone movie, it’s fucking awesome. It’s basically Keanu Reeves battling his way through hell, murking demons and basically just being badass as shit. I love the entire cast, Rachel Weisz, Shia LaBeouf, etc. A true standout to me too was Tilda Swinton who plays the vague gendered Gabriel. The special effects, even 15 years later, are still fucking awesome. There’s a ton of CGI which isn’t always my favorite but it’s quality CGI that stands the test of time. I really loved this movie, I’d recommend it to anyone.
(2020) Relic 8/10
Robyn Nevin is fantastic here and all the supporting roles are great but not only does this woman make the movie, she is the movie. Her dialogue, her delivery and her body language, at least to me, are a huge chunk of the entire plot. I just found this movie to be gentle until it isn’t, which makes for the most tense moments. It’s a very claustrophobic film; I think it does justice to a very serious and frightening illness.
(1986) The Little Shop of Horrors 8/10
Okay to keep things real, I’ve never been a big musical dude but this movie is fun as hell. Rick Moranis is as goofy as ever and good god…the practical effects are mind-blowing. You’re watching this giant plant movie and it just melts your brain thinking about how it was accomplished. I had to look it up and after finding out it took sped-up footage, vocal matching with said footage and 60 men to operate this giant…puppet(?), I couldn’t be more impressed.
(2020) Palm Springs 8/10
It doesn’t take long to catch on that, while this is a romantic comedy, it’s also a sci-fi horror film and a specific subset of sci-fi that makes me anxious. So in some regards, at least to genre placement, there’s my bias. The movie is seriously a treat though. It’s a new spin on an old formula and it’s genuinely funny, suspenseful and endearing. Even if you disagree that it shouldn’t be discussed in the horror circles, you won’t regret watching it.
(1979) Nosferatu the Vampire 8/10
This film not only embodies and celebrates the original in terms of structure as well as substance, but in its restrained filmmaking methods; its ability to let shots live without intervention. It’s atmospheric, well-trimmed and just an all-around, exceptional film. Klaus Kinsi as Nosferatu is perfect; I loved the makeup design. His character is so out in the open that the shots have to be perfect in order to avoid the sillier pitfalls of films in the same vein attempting to achieve the same results. It still contains small doses of the eras beloved campiness, which I can appreciate to some degree, as it feels balanced within context. Dracula’s takeover of the town is anything but some violent, typical horror spectacle. Rather, Werner Herzog decides to portray it in a fever-dream-like fashion, elevated by the very minimal but well-used soundtrack.
(2009) The House of the Devil 8/10
Modern horror is no stranger to throwback aesthetics from earlier decades but in 2009, that wasn’t the case. Not only did this movie pioneer that but it did it so successfully. My absolute favorite aspect of this film is the retro feel. It captured 70’s horror so incredibly well. Ti West is a talented filmmaker and this is one of my favorites by him. It’s a slow burn but so sinister and despite many complaining that the payoff wasn’t worth the wait, I have to disagree. Also, the suspense during the build-up was my favorite part. The violence, especially early on, while limited, is so powerful and raw. It really set an uneasy tone for the rest of the runtime.
(1989) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade 8/10
You know, this movie was the least memorable of the trilogy to me and I think that holds up, to a degree. I like this movie a lot though, fuck it, I love this movie. It’s the least horror focused but still has at least one intense body-horror moment. I don’t think too many people talk about how brave this movie is though; it tackles one of the most divisive topics, religion and does so in such a thrilling fashion. Indy is still Indy here, he’s fucking badass; his character and dialogue excel in this entry immensely. Not just dialogue but this film contains some of the best action choreography of the entire series, something that almost seems unfairly diminished through repetition. This movie is fucking awesome.
(1984) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom 8/10
This is probably the most influential horror movie of my entire childhood. The first time I watched it I had to shut it off at the heart scene and I think it took a few more tries to even make it through the whole thing. Unlike Scream, watching this decades later didn’t really totally eliminate that. I think it’s a scary movie and a really dark turn in the trilogy. There are quirky aspects of it character wise that are kind of goofy but playful. Overall though, goddamn dude, these set pieces are amazing. I love this movie and I’m totally biased but there are so many iconic moments during it. Harrison Ford is also jacked to shit and just at an all-time fuck-shit-up mode. His greedy and gritty character compliments the plot incredibly well.
(1984) The Terminator 8/10
This movie, simply put, is badass as shit. Everything you could ever need to know about it is established in the very first scene. I’m aware the series kind of progresses into more action focused territory with the sequels but the original will always be a horror movie to me. The pacing, the unstoppable force that is Arnold, it’s all thrilling as shit. Sure, there’s a few instances of 80’s special effects that have aged like milk, mostly with the final scene but for the most part, the effects look dope still. Cameron hasn’t missed in his entire career in my opinion and this film is a benchmark in multi-genre spanning, epic, cinematic movies. I love it.
(2009) The Loved Ones 7.5/10
This is the film that got me into Sean Byrne and it’s really something special. It reminds of almost a modern day interpretation of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, if the dinner scene was the entire film. It’s a non-thinker, fun horror movie in a purest sense. Byrne seems aware of that and the story and pacing all cater to it so well. Robin McLeavy plays one of the most unlikable villains to date and that alone is a ticket for investment in this film. It would seem almost playful to a horror veteran but the sadistic and incestuous nature of her writing is something to behold. This is a popcorn movie but a great one at that.
(1973) The Crazies 7/10
There’s some silly and overly-eccentric characters, per Romero’s usual style but I actually enjoyed this one a lot. I’m not even speaking directly about the remake but this film inspired a lot of modern horror films and concepts. There’s this great scene with this old lady knitting that I just adore. The innocent and violent clash in such an effective way. Obviously the horror aspects in that scene, as well as the virus itself are very fictional. The government response though, seems almost plausible, considering how they’re currently handling Covid-19. The miscommunication within government agencies in this film is both satisfying and frustratingly accurate.
(2019) I Trapped the Devil 7/10
This one is a bit of a slow-burn but I felt the tension from beginning to end so none of it felt like a blind investment. It had the potential to be another, cookie-cutter, pretentious statement but what I found it to be was simply a well-crafted horror film. While this film doesn’t shoot for the moon, it executes a well-trimmed, concise story and I’d fully recommend it to anyone interested in satanic horror.
(1935) The Black Room 7/10
This is another Universal horror film starring Karloff, directed by Roy Neill. It presents itself with the usual, tight-knit flair you may have come to expect but it somehow has seen much less recognition than any of the major monster movies. I really liked this movie. Despite the predictable nature, I found the short run-time to be refreshing and the performances were great. It was also a really cleanly produced. I suspect that’s due to the lack of need for special effects but nevertheless, it’s a high point. Definitely check this one out. It feels warms and slightly gothic; overall, it’s just a very well-executed movie.
(2004) The Day After Tomorrow 6/10
This may be due to the unrealistic science fiction needed to drive these plots, but I can’t decide if Emmerich takes his own work seriously. These films are undoubtedly brilliant visual spectacles at times and pretty goddamn entertaining but also a breeding ground for vapid characters. However, his films also seem to have actual political and social commentary. In the case of this film, it’s the world’s most on-the-nose message about climate change. I’m not even sure how much of a criticism that is but take it for what you will. The intense scenes in this movie are legitimately intense and even watching this 16 years after it was released, the CGI is pretty great. New York city is a fun sandbox for disaster porn and I had a great time watching it.
(2014) The Possession of Michael King 6/10
I was pleasantly surprised by this one. The “Possession of” movies are a mixed bag and despite this one in particular being really low-budget, they did a great job at creating scary visuals. I loved the psychological torment, specifically this idea with flies that’s legitimately creepy as fuck. They take it to a level where I think right at the end it dips off into the ridiculous but not in a way that’s awful, just not to my personal tastes.
(2019) Sweetheart 6/10
Sweetheart is a fairly well-made survival horror film that starts out well but unfortunately fades into mediocrity. While the first half is actually more of a methodical portion of the film, it’s strangely the second act that feels like a chore to watch at times. There’s some talent to look out for here but it seems underdeveloped on this project. With that being said, it’s still really entertaining for the most part, just treat it more as a popcorn movie rather than something to really sink your teeth into.
(2013) Boar 6/10
Yeah I don’t even really know what to say. It’s a killer boar movie. It’s fun, the gore is pretty great and it’s well-paced. I don’t really feel inspired to write a novel about it but it’s worth a watch.
(2014) Digging up the Marrow 6/10
I’m not surprised to hear people complaining about this film because it’s by no means perfect. However, I am surprised to hear so many people targeting Adam Green’s ego as being the shining flaw in this movie. I have no bias towards the guy, I’m a casual fan but I do think that people mistook the meta-aspects of this story to be simply for self-service. With that being said, I like this movie. I don’t love it but the build-up was pretty intense, carried by an always somewhat unhinged Ray Wise. I’m glad they didn’t show a ton right away or really, at all, because it would have been even cheesier. This is a fun movie though that’s really not meant to be taken all that seriously. The creature design is cool and it’s just an easily digestible popcorn flick. I would have re-wrote the ending a bit to be less convoluted and abrupt (paradoxical almost, I know) but I can still recommend this one.
(2015) The Vatican Tapes 6/10
I didn’t have high hopes for this one, exorcism movies are just so oversaturated. With that being said, I was pleasantly surprised. The horror of it all, the culmination or whatever, is exactly what you’d expect and if that seems like a spoiler, it’s more of a statement on the sub-genre itself. It’s the build-up and basically entire first half that impressed me. I truly felt like the events that conspire could happen to anyone. This was by no means a waste of time, despite how many times this story has been done.
(2014) The Last Showing 5.5/10
Robert Englund lends his talents to a b-movie of sorts here but the end product isn’t that bad. Outside of him, the acting isn’t bad either. Chris Geere from You’re the Worst is actually in it and he’s such a hilariously miserable cunt. It entertained me enough but in the end, felt really bland. I’m feeling pretty eh on this one.
(2017) Lost Child 5/10
Lost Child wasn’t quite what I was expecting, which in some ways, was the only thing I enjoyed about it. They keep the mystery going for a long time and to their credit, I was never exactly sure how things were going to play out. Unfortunately, it’s just really boring and there’s no huge payoff. I liked a few of the characters and as far as production and acting goes, it was just fine. It’s kind of one of those mid-movies that doesn’t do a whole lot wrong but also doesn’t do a whole lot right.
(2019) In the Tall Grass 4.5/10
People seem to be pretty divisive about this film to the point where not a lot of middle ground criticism is being offered but that’s where it lands to me. It often engaged me, I like a lot of the sci-fi aspects, felt there were a few good performances and I didn’t hate the conclusion. With that being said, not a single aspect of this movie wow’d me in any fashion. It feels like it actually could have been shortened a bit, as in like an episode of an anthology. I don’t hate it but I don’t love it either.
submitted by nextzero182 to horror [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 13:36 DisagreementHD Help finding my "style."

Hi all,
I've recently have been trying to find my style, but I can't really put a finger on it. I see some images I draw good inspo from, but most of the time I simply glance over. I hope that you guys can help me find some good inspos and help me find my "wave."
I really love the business casual look, with the tapered bottoms, slim fit pants and a well fitted shirt. However, I've ran into a problem -- I realized, rather quickly, that business casual is just that -- for business or formal events, like a night out on the town, work or maybe a date somewhere nice. I live in a hot place (Florida) so the humidity and heat make it nearly impossible to always wear business casual, because I would sweat through my clothes and they would get dirty and ruined pretty quick.
So, now I'm looking more toward a casual business style, if that makes sense. Something casual, comfortable, but also reflects an image of business and professionalism, something nice that doesn't scream ,"I dress like a teenager that has a clothes pile on the floor and gives them a smell test before putting it on." I'm in my mid-twenties, college student working in the IT field, so it's about time my clothing reflected some level of competency.

Simple, boring colors are the goal, nothing flashy, no stupid hats or trendy designer wear. This is a good example of the style I am going for, but for the life of me I cannot seem to find the particular style itself . Any help would be greatly appreciated.
submitted by DisagreementHD to malefashionadvice [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 03:11 AfterDirection5 A year later and my (30F) non-relationship with this man (38M) still haunts me

To set the stage, the year is 2018 and I'm pursuing my graduate degree. I was dealing with lots of interpersonal issues within my department and almost dropped out. I had stopped attending social functions and had become quite bitter. Then I met a guy through the most happenstance of circumstances. In fact, everything about our dynamic was just different.
We were introduced by a mutual friend. I asked him if he'd like to get a drink. After his plans were completed, he messaged me quite late, and invited me over but also offered another more reasonable hour if that didn't work. I took the bait.
I went to his house that night. We hooked up. I think it was maybe the next time we hung out, he confronted me about his current situation. He had just broken off a relationship a week ago and really wasn't looking to jump into anything. But I was dead set on playing the chill girl vibe. Also, I had a summer internship far away that I was leaving for in a couple months. So I told him, hey we have fun together. No need to get serious.
I was having increasing conflicts in my school life, which was the basis for most of my social relationships. I just ended up binging on this guy. We would spend days in his apartment. He made me breakfast every time I slept over. I had a toothbrush in his bathroom. We had some of the most intimate conversations I've ever had about life and politics. Both of us admitted we had never felt we had a safe space to discuss some of the things we did. He respected my ideas.
Before I left for the summer, I told him when I got back, I would be interested in pursuing a relationship. We didn't speak at all over the summer.
When I returned, he didn't reach out at first. So I did. He left me on read for a couple days before responding. We eventually did see each other again, and we slowly fell back into our old pattern of NSA. After about a week, I confronted him and said, "I want a relationship with you." He pulled the old "I just got out of something..."
I gave him an ultimatum. He turned me down. I said well that's it then. And his response? "This sucks."
But that really wasn't enough, now was it? I kept running into him everywhere. I would be on a date and there he'd be. Smiling at me. I finally broke down the third time I saw him unintentionally and asked him if he wanted to hang out. I had missed him and I still didn't feel like I had much of a support system outside of him. He made a move on me at some point during the night. And we were back into it! I'll spare you the back and forth, this 'breakup and get back together' thing happened four times.
It always happened in the same formula:
  1. I would get fed up and start pulling away
  2. He would react by drawing closer
  3. I would tell him ok let's be together
  4. He would say he wasn't ready
  5. I would break things off
  6. He did some gesture but half heartedly.
He fed a lot of my delusion with statements like "our relationship is unlike any other relationship I've ever had. It's not full of passion and fights and that's why it's confusing. I just need time to work through it and understand my issues." Even typing this, I'm rolling my eyes at myself. This dude had about five different excuses that he used throughout the course of a year and a half. At one point, he told me that he thought I was too young for him. He's now dating a 25 year old.
Then he started dating this girl. I was pretty upset about it because he claimed he wasn't ready to date for so long. But he had recently changed his reason to "you're moving away this year when you graduate." We went on a weekend trip together with another couple and hooked up that weekend. On the way home, we got into our first and only argument and it was one of those arguments you can't really recover from. We hung out once more after that. I didn't realize it, but it was the last time I would see him.
It has been over a year since I have SEEN this man. He is still with the same girl. He reached out at the start of the pandemic to say something like life is too short to not be talking. We had some 4 hour conversation like we always do (not talking about us, but just the world and how we felt about the pandemic). The call dropped at some point. He told me his phone died. We haven't spoken since. I've sent several text messages, he politely responds but doesn't engage the way we used to.
I have met someone new and he's great and I feel a strong connection to him. This is the first time I've felt this way since meeting my non-ex. It's not the same gut attraction that I felt for non-ex, but it's nice. However, I find myself still relating everything about the new guy to this non-ex. I'm worried this is going to continue haunting me and potentially ruin my budding relationship. How do I move on? How do you move past the feeling that someone was your soulmate when actually that person treated you really poorly and didn't deserve even a fraction of what you had to offer?

TL;DR VERSION

I was in a non-relationship with someone who led me on and gaslit me for nearly two years and made me believe that at some point he might be "ready" for a relationship. It has now been over a year since we stopped seeing each other and I still dream about him regularly.
He's my main reference point for previous relationships even though
  1. he was never even my boyfriend
  2. I have had serious committed relationships that lasted much longer.
I still catch myself bringing him up casually in conversations. And if I'm going to be honest with myself, I still want to be with him. Why? Because unlike any other man or person I have met, I felt seen by him in a way that no man has ever seen me before.
How do I move on?
submitted by AfterDirection5 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 17:50 Lovergrates Hookup Sites like Craigslist

Hello there
Are there any personal sites like Craigslist?
Missing Craigslist Personals? Craigslist Personals was an online community, where people were able to post ads looking for casual hook-ups.
It was hugely popular with those looking to have no-strings-attached fun, but sadly it wasn’t to last.
To the disappointment of many, in May 2018, Craigslist Personals disappeared from the UK site, following on from the US.
Nevertheless, try these super hookup dating sites
1datingsites1.com
hookup sites like craigslist
submitted by Lovergrates to OnlineDatingCommunity [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 16:43 solo89 (Selling) 4K Disney/Marvel and others... BIG LIST (Lots of DMR DVD Codes also)

All full codes (no splits), redeemable on Vudu or MA (unless otherwise noted)... HBO series redeemable on hbodigitalhd.com
Movie Codes: Quality Price
Avengers Infinity War 4K/UHD 4K UHD $15
Despicable Me 3 (4K BD / UHD) 4K UHD $14
Goosebumps 2 (4K UHD) 4K UHD $14
The Hate U Give (4K UHD) 4K UHD $14
How To Train Your Dragon 3 The Hidden World 4K UHD 4K UHD $14
The Incredibles 4K DMA Full Code 4K UHD $14
Jumanji 2: The Next Level (4K UHD) 4K UHD $14
The Little Mermaid 4K/UHD DMA Full Code 4K UHD $14
Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (DMA Full Code) 4K UHD $16
Mary Poppins Returns 4K UHD DMA Full Code 4K UHD $14
The Nutcracker and the Four Realms 4K DMA Full Code 4K UHD $14
Ralph Breaks The Internet 4K UHD DMA Full Code 4K UHD $14
Star Wars 9: The Rise of Skywalker (4K UHD) 4K UHD $14
Abominable HD $12
The Addams Family (2020) HD $12
Aladdin (2019) DMA Full Code HD $12
Alien Covenant HD $5
Aliens Ate My Homework HD $4
Allied (iTunes Only) HD $4
Alvin and the Chipmunks Road Chip HD $4
Amazing Spider-Man 2 HD $4
American Girl Lea To The Rescue HD $4
The Angry Birds Movie 2 HD $12
Ant-Man And The Wasp (DMA Full Code) HD $10
Avengers: Endgame (DMA Full Code) HD $12
Avengers Infinity War HDX HD $12
Bad Boys HD $10
Bad Boys 2 HD $10
Bad Boys For Life HD $10
Ballers - Season 3 HD $12
Ballers - Season 4 HD $12
The Banishment (Not UV) HD $5
Barbie Star Light Adventures HD $4
Barbie Video Game Hero HD $4
Barry Season One HD $12
Batman The Brave and the Bold: Season 3 HD $10
Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice HD $4
Beauty And The Beast (2017) DMA HD $10
The Beguiled (2017) HD $4
The Best of Enemies (iTunes Only) HD $4
Big Little Lies (Season 1) HD $12
The Birth of a Nation HD $4
Black Panther DMA Full Code HD $10
Border HD $12
Boss Baby HD $6
Boxcar Children - Surprise Island (Not UV) HD $12
Brian Banks HD $12
Bumblebee HD $6
Captain Marvel DMA Full Code HD $12
Captain Underpants The First Epic Movie HD $5
Cars 3 DMA Full Code HD $10
Casual: Season 1 HD $12
Chernobyl - The Complete Miniseries HD $14
Chrisopther Robin HD $10
Cinderella (DMA Full Code) HD $10
Coco DMA Full Code HD $12
Countdown HD $14
Crashing: Season 2 HD $12
Curb Your Enthusiasm: Season 9 HD $12
The Darkest Minds HD $10
DC Doom Patrol HD $16
DC Legends of Tomorrow (Season 4) HD $16
Deadpool HD $8
Deadwood - The Movie HD $12
The Deep HD $4
Despicable Me 2 HD $8
Despicable Me 3 HD $8
Detective Pikachu HD $10
The Deuce - Season 1 HD $12
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid HD $5
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul HD $5
Digimon Adventure Tri.: Reunion (Digital Download not UV/iTunes) HD $12
Divergent: Insurgent HD $3
Divorce (Season 1) HD $12
Dora and the Lost City of Gold HD $12
Dumbo DMA Full Code HD $12
Elvis Presley: The Searcher HD $12
Emoji Movie HD $6
F8 Fate Of The Furious Extended Director's Cut HD $8
Fahrenheit 451 HD $6
Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them HD $6
The Fault In Our Stars HD $8
Fifth Wave HD $3
Fighting With My Family HD $12
Finding Dory (DMA Full Code) HD $12
Fox and The Hound 2 (DMA Full Code) HD $14
Fox and The Hound (DMA Full Code) HD $14
Frozen 2 DMA Full Code HD $12
Game Of Thrones (Season 5) HD $12
Game Of Thrones (Season 8) HD $12
**The Gentlemen (iTunes Only) HD $12
Get Out HD $6
Girls: Season 6 HD $12
Goosebumps 2 (HD) HD $12
Grace Jones: Bloodlight and Bami (Not UV/MA) HD $12
Grease HD $10
The Grinch (2019) HD $6
Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 (DMA Full Code) HD $10
Hard Target 2 HD $4
The Hate U Give (HD) HD $10
Hercules HD $6
Here and Now: Season 1 HD $12
Hidden Figures HD $4
Hitler's Hollywood (Not UV/MA) HD $10
Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey HD $8
Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies HD $8
A Hologram for the King HD $6
Honey 3: Dare to Dance HD $4
Hotel Transylvania 3 HD $10
House of Cards: Season 5 HD $12
The House with a Clock in Its Walls HD $10
Howard Lovecraft and the Frozen Kingdom (Non-UV) HD $8
Howard Lovecraft and the Undersea Kingdom (Non-UV) HD $8
How to Train Your Dragon 2 HD $6
How To Train Your Dragon 3 The Hidden World HD $10
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 HD $8
I Am Legend HD $6
Ice Age HD $4
Ice Age Collision Course HD $5
The Incredibles 2 DMA Full Code HD $10
Independence Day Resurgence HD $4
Insecure: Season 1 HD $12
Inside Out HD $10
The Intruder HD $10
Iron Man 3 DMA Full Code HD $12
Jason Bourne HD $6
Jumanji 2: The Next Level HD $12
Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle (2018) HD $6
Jurassic World HD $6
The Kid Who Would Be King HD $12
King Arthur Legend Of The Sword HD $4
Kung Fu Panda 3 HD $6
La La Land HD $4
The Last Black Man in San Francisco HD $10
The Lego Movie 2 HD $8
Les Miserables (2012) HD $4
Life of Pi HD $4
Lilo And Stitch 2: Stitch Has A Glitch (DMA Full Code) HD $14
The Lion King (2019) DMA Full Code HD $14
Lion King Walt Disney Signature Collection DMA Full Code HD $12
The Little Mermaid Anniversary DMA Full Code HD $12
The Little Mermaid (DMA Full Code) HD $12
The Looming Tower (Limited Series) HD $12
Lost Horizon HD $6
Luis And The Aliens (Not UV) HD $8
The Magicians: Season 2 HD $12
Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (DMA Full Code) HD $14
The Martian HD $6
Mary Poppins Returns DMA Full Code HD $12
Maya The Bee 2: The Honey Games (Non-UV) HD $4
Maze Runner: Scorch Trials HD $5
Middle School: The Worst Years of My life HD $4
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates HD $4
Minions HD $4
Mirai HD $12
Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children HD $6
Moana (3D DMA Full Code) HD $14
Moana (DMA DMR Bluray) HD $12
Monster Family (Not UV) HD $8
Monster High Electrified HD $6
Monster High Welcome To Monster High HD $6
Monster Trucks HD $6
The Mountain Between Us HD $4
Mulan II (DMA Full Code) HD $14
The Mummy (iTunes) HD $5
Muppets Most Wanted (DMA Full Code) HD $12
My Brilliant Friend HD $12
My Dinner With Herve HD $12
My Little Pony Equestria Girls Legend of Everfree (Non-UV) HD $8
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb HD $6
The Nightmare Before Christmas DMA Full Code HD $14
Nine Lives HD $6
Nocturnal Animals HD $4
The Nutcracker and the Four Realms DMA Full Code HD $12
Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature HD $6
Office Christmas Party (iTunes Only) HD $4
Overcomer HD $14
Ozzy The Fast And The Furriest (Download not UV) HD $4
Paddington 2 HD $6
Paper Towns HD $6
Paterno HD $12
Pavarotti HD $12
Peanuts Movie HD $4
Peter Pan Anniversary Edition DMA Full Code HD $12
Peter Rabbit HD $6
Pitch Perfect HD $6
Pocahontas II (DMA Full Code) HD $14
Poms (iTunes Only) HD $10
Power Rangers HD $6
The Predator HD $8
The Professor HD $12
The Promise HD $4
Ralph Breaks The Internet DMA Full Code HD $10
Ready Player One HD $8
Rocketman HD $10
The Secret Life Of Pets HD $6
The Secret Life of Pets 2 HD $10
Shazam HD $8
Sherlock Gnomes HD $8
Silence HD $4
Silicon Valley: Season 3 (iTunes or Google Play) HD $12
Silicon Valley : Season 4 HD $12
A Simple Favor HD $6
Sing HD $6
Skyscraper HD $10
Smurfs The Lost Village HD $6
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (DMA Full Code) HD $12
Solace HD $4
Sonic The Hedgehog HD $10
Son of Bigfoot (Non-UV Download) HD $12
Sopranos Complete Series (iTunes or Google Play) HD $100
Spider-Man: Far From Home HD $12
Spider-Man: Homecoming HD $12
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse HD $12
Spies in Disguise DMI Full Code HD $14
Spotlight HD $4
Spy (Unrated) HD $6
Star Wars 1: The Phantom Menace HD $12
Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Sith HD $12
Star Wars 4: A New Hope HD $12
Star Wars 5: Empire Strikes Back HD $12
Star Wars 7: The Force Awakens HD $12
Star Wars 8: The Last Jedi HD $12
Star Wars 9: The Rise of Skywalker HD $12
Star Wars: Rogue One HD $12
Star Wars: Solo HD $12
Straight Outta Compton HD $6
Strike Back: Season 5 HD $12
Strike Back: Season 6 HD $12
Summer Wars (funimationdigitalcopy.com) HD $6
Super Troopers HD $6
Thomas The Tank Engine and Friends: The Great Race HD $4
Thor 3: Ragnarok DMA Full Code HD $10
Toy Story 4 HD $12
Trainwreck HD $6
Transformers : The Last Night HD $10
Transformers : The Last Night (iTunes) HD $5
Trolls HD $10
Trolls World Tour HD $10
True Detective: Season 1 HD $12
True Detective: Season 2 HD $12
True Detective: Season 3 HD $12
Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 HD $6
UglyDolls (iTunes Only) HD $8
Uncle Drew HD $6
Veep: The Final Season HD $14
Veep: Season 5 (iTunes or Google Play) HD $12
Veep: Season 6 HD $12
Vinyl: Season 1 (iTunes/Google Play, UV Redeemed) HD $12
War for the Planet of the Apes HD $6
Watchmen (DC/HBO Series) HD $14
Waves HD $10
Westworld: Season 2 The Door HD $12
The Wizard of Lies HD $12
Wonder HD $6
A Wrinkle In Time DMA Full Code HD $12
X-Men Apocalypse HD $6
The Young Pope (iTunes/Google Play) HD $10
They Shall Not Grow Old HD $12
The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling HD $12
All The Money In The World (SD) SD $2
Alpha and Omega (Big Freeze) (SD) SD $2
Amy SD $2
Batman Beyond: Season 1 SD $15
Blinded By The Light SD $2
Concussion (SD) SD $2
Divergent: Allegiant (SD) SD $2
Doctor Sleep SD $5
The Good Liar SD $5
Goosebumps (SD) SD $2
Hell or High Water (SD) SD $2
Hotel Transylvania 2 (SD) SD $2
Infinitely Polar Bear (SD) SD $2
Irrational Man SD $2
Jumanji 2: The Next Level SD $2
Little Women SD $2
Mortdecai (SD) SD $2
Once Upon A Time In Hollywood SD $2
Paul, Apostle Of Christ (SD) SD $2
Richard Jewell SD $2
Ricki and the Flash (SD) SD $2
Roman J Israel, Esq. (SD) SD $2
Scoob SD $2
Sicario (SD) SD $2
The Walk (SD) SD $2
The Way Back SD $2
Avengers: Age of Ultron (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Avengers: Endgame (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Bambi (Walt Disney Signature) (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Beauty And The Beast (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Captain Marvel (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Cinderella (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Coco (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Descendants 2 (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Descendants 3 (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Disneynature: Earth (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Duck Tales: Woo-Oh (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Dumbo (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Elena of Avalor: Celebration to Remember (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Elena of Avalor: Realm of the Jaquins (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Finding Dory (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Frozen 2 DMR DVD Points Only $2
Good Dinosaur (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
The Incredibles 2 (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Inside Out (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Into The Woods (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Lady & The Tramp (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Lego Star Wars: The Freemaker Adventures Season 1 (BD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Lego Star Wars: The Freemaker Adventures Season 1 (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Lego Star Wars: The Freemaker Adventures Season 2 (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Lego Star Wars: The Yoda Chronicles (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Lion Guard Return Of The Roar (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Lion Guard: Rise of Scar (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Mary Poppins Returns (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Moana (DVD DMR DVD Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
The Nightmare Before Christmas (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Peter Pan Anniversary Edition (DVD DMR Points) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Puppy Dog Pals (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Star Wars: The Force Awakens (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Tangled Queen for a Day (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Thor 3: Ragnarok (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Tomorrowland (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Toy Story That Time Forgot (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Wreck It Ralph 2 - Ralph Breaks The Internet (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
A Wrinkle In Time (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
Zootopia (DVD DMR Only) DMR DVD Points Only $1
submitted by solo89 to DigitalCodeSELL [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 14:13 unab0mber iOS 14 & IDFA - Mobile Ad Market Turned Upside-Down

The mobile industry is undergoing one of the most fundamental changes of recent years. Apple has decided that early 2021, app developers will no longer have access to IDFA by default.
IDFA is a unique device identifier used for ad attribution, retargeting, alike audiences, analytics and other tasks. After the change, in order to receive the IDFA, an app developer must explicitly request the user’s permission (which is similar to allowing push notifications in an app). According to various estimates, the share of users who will provide access to their IDFA doesn’t exceed 10%.
Apple has provided privacy-friendly alternatives for attribution, but they fail to cover even a small fraction of the tasks that teams working on developing and promoting mobile apps currently have.
This shift means that mobile marketing (estimated at $80 billion), and by extension the mobile industry, are about to change drastically. In this essay, we will discuss in detail what will change, how it will affect the main players in the mobile advertising market such as developers, ad systems, attribution service providers, and advertisers.
A short summary of the key changes and implications of iOS 14 release and limiting default access to IDFA
# 1 Access restrictions: In iOS 14, IDFA will only be accessible upon user permission.
IDFA (Identifier for Advertisers) is a unique identifier of an iOS device. It is used in mobile apps for user attribution and tells advertisers where a user came from.
With iOS 14, to be released in early 2021, every app that wants to use an advertising user ID (IDFA) will have to explicitly ask permission from the user.
This will work in the same way as requesting permission to send push notifications.
Request to use IDFA will look like this – the text on the popup will ask: “Would you like to give permission to track you across apps and websites owned by other companies?”
The text is very straightforward, and the button to refuse is located below, making it more convenient to deny access to the IDFA. Most experts agree that 9 out of 10 people will most probably not opt in. After the initial declaration, Apple suggested a milder design for the popup, yet the idea remains largely the same and won’t bring fundamental changes.
Thus Apple is breaking the existing ad traffic attribution infrastructure under the pretext of privacy concerns. And this will affect everyone: ad networks systems, mobile developers, advertisers, and users.
# 2. Lack of access to IDFA will lead to a decrease in the quality of mobile traffic attribution and an increase in the cost of user acquisition.
Previously, mobile developers and ad networks could use the IDFA without the explicit consent of the user. But now, the situation is radically changing:
  1. Without access to IDFA, mobile ad attribution services (Appsflyer, Adjust and others) will no longer be able to trace back a significant portion of mobile traffic. It is important to understand that IDFA is now the primary accurate attribution tool. Appsflyer, Adjust and others will be forced to switch to less accurate and less efficient methods of determining the source of installs (e.g., device fingerprinting).
  2. This will reduce the accuracy of traffic attribution, which will complicate things for companies developing and promoting mobile apps. In the future, it could lead to an increase in the cost of attribution.
  3. We can expect a rise in acquisition costs as accurate targeting will become much more limited. Such popular and effective tools as lookalike audiences and retargeting will now be available only for a small portion of users who agreed to honor a request to provide access to the IDFA or used a relevant email or phone number while signing up.
# 3. Apple presented its own attribution system, but it still doesn’t cover all mobile developers’ needs.
Apple offered the market an alternative, privacy-friendly traffic attribution system. This system makes it possible to send information about installs to advertising networks without explicitly revealing information about the user. But, unfortunately, the capabilities of this system are severely limited and don’t cover basic marketing needs.
One of the biggest problems is that developers and ad systems will no longer have access to user-level data. They will only see aggregated data in the account.
Developers will no longer be able to calculate and segment ROI or link attribution data to product events.
#4. Impact of IOS 14 Changes: rising user acquisition costs, accelerating mobile market consolidation, difficulties for large advertising networks and ad-attribution services
It’s hard to predict the results of this change. But here are some possible scenarios:
If you want to understand in more details what and why will happen, then here is what we will discuss further on:
How traffic attribution works for mobile apps
Traffic attribution helps find out where a particular user came from. This is a critical task for performance marketing, as without high-quality attribution, it is impossible to determine which advertising campaigns are profitable (i.e., are making money) and which are not.
On the web, attribution is tackled in a simple way – we just need to add special parameters (usually utm-parameters) to the ad links leading to the site.
This scheme doesn’t work with mobile apps largely because mobile app stores add an intermediate step to the process and do not provide information about where the user came from.
Another reason is the policy of a number of leading advertising systems on the market. For example, Facebook doesn’t allow you to add any parameters when promoting mobile apps through its ad network.
Therefore, there are other methods for traffic attribution for mobile apps out there. Say you have a mobile app or a mobile game. To acquire users to your app, you purchase ad traffic. This is what happens in order to link ad clicks to an app’s install:
If you are not familiar with this topic, then here is a good essay.
Why IDFA is a central element of mobile traffic attribution
As is evident in the process described above, data about users who click on ads is key to the logic behind mobile traffic attribution systems. The IDFA is the central element of the data collected, and if IDFA is missing, the accuracy of this attribution method will drop dramatically..)
Without IDFA, services will have to rely on fingerprinting, which is significantly less accurate than IDFA. Since IDFA is a unique device identifier, using it allows you to accurately determine the source of the user’s traffic. If you don’t have access to IDFA attribution services, you will have to use fingerprinting.
What is fingerprinting in attribution
Fingerprinting) is a way of obtaining a device ID from a set of indirect attributes. As indirect signs, you can consider such things as the operating system’s version, IP address, operator, time and some other parameters. This identifier should make it possible to tell different users apart and remain unique to each user if possible.
However, fingerprinting is not accurate enough. Thus, as the proportion of users whose IDFA is accessible decreases, the accuracy of mobile attribution will worsen.
Fingerprinting is already used today, but for a rather small proportion of ad traffic. The reason is that some users are already invisible to ad networks (they don’t give access to their IDFA).
In 20166), Apple released LAT (limit ad tracking) that allows iOS users to opt out of targeted advertising by not giving out their IDFA and thus becoming “invisible” to ad networks. This feature is hidden in Settings> Privacy> Advertising, and also appeared when activating a new iPhone. However, even in this inconspicuous way of presenting it, about 30% of all users) turned this option on. The number of invisible users increased from 15% in 2016 to 30% in 2020.
Before iOS 6 (2012), instead of IDFA, there was UDID available, which you couldn’t reset and it was always available. With such a tight bond, each user could be uniquely identified, a privacy nightmare. So Apple introduced IDFA in iOS 6. It is possible to reset it, and it also changes when the device is reset. Meanwhile, IDFA remains constant across different apps on the same device.
To summarize all of the above, IDFA plays a key role in solving the problems of purchasing and attributing ad traffic. The existing ad market is largely dependent on IDFA. It is the one thing that makes this connection between an advertising click and new users in the app. With the release of iOS 14, IDFA will become unavailable for most users, which will change the laws of mobile marketing.
What exactly will change in iOS 14 release
At WWDC 2020, Apple unveiled a new operating system, and at the same time “delighted” the iOS app developer community that now IDFA won’t be a default feature any longer. Instead, the user will control IDFA access for each app by responding to a native popup inside the app. The design might change but the idea will remain the same.
The developer controls when to show this dialog. This means that he has the opportunity to explain to the user what the IDFA is for. It’s the same with push notifications: If you first explain why there is a need to enable them, more users will agree to receive them.
It is worth noting, however, that the IDFA popup will only allow minimal customization: Developers can only change the secondary text. Mind that everything is still subject to change—we will know how everything will actually work only once iOS 14 is released.
Another notable point in the design is that the Ask App Not to Track button is placed lower, which means it is more convenient for the finger to press. The warning itself sounds quite menacing too. All of this is bound to have a negative effect on the conversion to consent.
According to experts, the number of people who allow access to IDFA will drop to about 10%. For users who will not give access to their IDFA, a string of zeros will be provided instead of an identifier.
What is the alternative Apple is offering to replace IDFA and existing attribution mechanisms?
Apple has also presented its own attribution method to the market. To do this, the company created the SKAdnetwork privacy-friendly attribution framework, which allows you to transfer data to advertising networks without violating the privacy of a particular user.
The first version of SKAdnetwork was released in March 2018 in iOS 11.3, but very few used it: attribution through IDFA proved to be much more efficient and gave more data.
Apple’s attribution scheme works in the same way as other MMPs (mobile measurement partner), with some peculiarities. Developers and ad systems don’t have access to user-level attribution data, and only receive it in aggregated form, which dramatically reduces its usefulness since it doesn’t allow calculating ROI by user segment.
Only Apple-authorized ad networks will be able to receive postbacks about attribution. To do this, they will need to register, implement the ad mechanism and handle the postback. Without this, Apple won’t transmit installation data to the ad network.
To send the attribution event, the developers have the updateConversionValue method, which, after the first call, creates a 24-hour window. This is the only period where you can submit additional attribution data, such as install or event value.
Developers often submit data within months after the first attribution such as in products with a strong long-term retention or monetization models that involve subscriptions. In these cases, purchases can happen many months and years after the app’s first launch (which is a long funnel). It is convenient to send such data to ad networks to improve targeting. The 24-hour window severely limits this model. For example, it won’t be possible to register a first-purchase event in a monetization model that involves a trial and subscription (the minimum trial duration is 3 days) .
Event values can be used in different ways. For example, it can be the value of an event, measured in money: a user who came from campaign X bought a subscription for Value. Based on this data, you can improve your targeting. You can also encode the events themselves using value. For example, value = 0 means there was an install, value = 1 indicates the user activated a trial subscription, and so on.
Apple imposes a number of restrictions on Value:
Moreover, not everything can be considered as value, but the one Apple sees possible:
The postback may include a conversion value and the source app’s ID if Apple determines that providing the values ​​meets Apple’s privacy threshold.
There are still no updates in App Store review guidelines, so it’s impossible to figure out what exactly can’t be submitted.
With the release of iOS 14, we should expect an increase in the cost of a user acquisition
Retargeting and lookalike won’t be practically available.
Retargeting is an opportunity to show ads to an audience that has already interacted with a product. For example, a developer can show ads to active users in the app who are not paying customers, or retain those who have stopped using the product. To do this, a developer collects relevant user IDs, uploads them to the ad account and launches ads targeting this audience.
Facebook accepts not only IDFA as identifiers, but also emails, phone numbers and other data associated with a specific person. Thus, retargeting will continue to work if the developer has this additional data and can give it to the ad network.
Facebook has a clear advantage here: By using its large data set from all apps (Whatsapp, Facebook, Messenger, Instagram), the company has to see only one user parameter to get the rest of user IDs, as well as his email and phone number. However, we can’t really tell from Apple’s guidelines whether it is possible to transfer user data for a user who hasn’t enabled tracking. Plus, Apple is promoting its privacy-safe Sign In With Apple authentication method, which developers are required to support along with other authentication methods, limiting the ability to collect this kind of information.
This can also affect the design of mobile apps. Developers can start to force users to sign up before using the product. If you are already fed up with the need to allow cookies on all of the websites you are visiting, then expect something similar to happen in iOS apps.
A similar problem will occur with lookalike audiences, that is, audiences of users similar to a certain other cohort of users. If the audience you use to build a lookalike is small, you won’t be able to build a high-quality lookalike audience.
IDFV
In addition to IDFA, iOS has another identifier – IDFV (identifier for vendor). This identifier remains the same across apps from the same developer, but it differs for different publishers. Therefore, ad networks won’t be able to use it to define a user within the attribution task.
However, due to the fact that the IDFV is the same in the apps of one particular developer, this developer understands which apps each user is using. This is convenient in order to advertise new apps in your other apps. For example, such schemes may be relevant for publishers of hyper-casual games, who often promote new products using cross-promotions in their other apps.
IDFV gives a rather vivid advantage to large publishers over small independent players. Large publishers are also more tolerant towards errors when acquiring paid traffic. In contrast, for small players, unprofitable ad campaigns can have a devastating effect.
These factors can possibly lead to faster consolidation of the mobile market (both horizontal and vertical). Thus we can expect large publishers to acquire small players. These big players will keep the traffic moving within their ecosystem, advertising their apps to their users. But neither ad networks nor MMPs have a place this scheme.
What Mobile Market Leaders Say:
Among the major players in the attribution market, Adjust has been the most vocal about the situation. One of the company’s proposals to Apple is to use IDFA locally on the device for hash counting. The hash is computed using the SHA256 algorithm on the combination of IDFA and IDFV strings. It is transmitted to the server along with the IDFV. Then, the MMP (traffic attribution service) gets the IDFA from ad networks and does the search. If something matches the hash from the device, then attribution takes place.
However, it doesn’t look like Apple will buy into it:
  1. This solution will not anonymize the user data, which means it contradicts Apple’s privacy policy.
  2. This solution still requires IDFA consent (although Adjust probably assumes that in this case neither the developer nor the advertising system receives an explicit IDFA value).
  3. Enumerating hashes is an inefficient computational scheme that requires a lot of resources and time.
At the time of this writing, there are no tools that will allow attribution at the current quality level in the future iOS 14. Adjust, along with other market leaders, has offered a few alternatives. Unfortunately, none of the proposed methods are in line with Apple’s policy and do not offer a quality alternative to IDFA.
When we can expect these changes
iOS 14 will be released in early 2021.
Half of all devices are expected to upgrade by the end of 2020. Since the apps must support the new API to access IDFA, developers will lose access to IDFA immediately after the OS upgrade. They will be able to get it after the update is released and the users give their consent.
This will likely result in a situation where giving access by the users will look like a wave on the graph: a sharp drop in the first months followed by a gradual rise as developers start updating their apps.
Getting ready for iOS 14
Adjust has released an excellent guide on how to get your app ready for iOS 14, starting with understanding which third-party services and SDKs in your app are using IDFA.
To get access to IDFA, the developer needs to ask the users for their consent. Meanwhile, the developer will decide at what point to show the pop-up with a proposal.
This means that before showing the pop-up, you can use custom elements to explain to the user why you need them to open access to IDFA.
Developers have only one chance to ask the user for access to their IDFA, similar to prompting for enabling push notifications. We can expect developers to do their best to explain why they need IDFA before displaying the popup.
The marketing and product analytics sector will suffer the most. It will no longer be possible to access attribution data at runtime. The developers who used the IDFA as their user IDs will also suffer. To keep the analytics working correctly, they will have to change the identifier to IDFV or to an internal ID. Even so, it will be very difficult to maintain consistency with historical data.
What changes to expect in the mobile advertising and attribution market
The global mobile advertising market size stands at 80 billion USD, so we shouldn’t expect it to die or somehow shrink significantly. Companies will continue to acquire users for their mobile apps through paid ads. The question is, how efficiently will they do so? First, it will be more difficult to measure the effectiveness of campaigns. Second, lookalike audiences and retargeting will practically stop working.
At this stage, it is not clear what will happen to the ad traffic attribution market. If only 10% of the audience remains (these are the ones who have agreed to being tracked), will it make sense to use services such as Appsflyer or Adjust? Will it be justified to pay for these services? Apple encloses marketing data within itself and doesn’t want to give any of it away to developers or ad systems. Apple has already been sued because of this.
IOS 14 and restricting access to IDFA is also a big bomber for the ad systems. The mobile market is, in fact, a duopoly dominated by Facebook and Google—they will be hit the hardest.
We can expect accelerated growth in user acquisition costs, as well as consolidation of the mobile market.
In a more distant future, perhaps Google will decide to follow in Apple’s footsteps. Google also has its own LAT (which turns off access to advertising ID) and its own attribution system in the Firebase, which launched a year later after Apple. It is expected that Google will also make the IDFA equivalent unavailable on Android devices in the foreseeable future. This will be quite a kick in the head from Google towards Facebook’s position in the mobile ad market.
However, there are still many questions that were not covered in Apple’s User privacy and Data use guidelines:
In the most pessimistic scenario of all, in the next versions of iOS, Apple will block access to external analytics services to user data and promote its own analytics tools. On the one hand, this preserves the privacy of users, and on the other hand, it makes it difficult to create high-quality products.
This essay was written in collaboration with Vitaly Davydov. Vitaly is the founder and CEO at Adapty (a service for analytics and mobile subscription growth) and Poteha Labs (a machine learning outsourcing). He has been dealing with anything related to mobile marketing and monetization since 2016.
submitted by unab0mber to advertising [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 14:09 unab0mber iOS 14 & IDFA - Mobile Ad Market Turned Upside-Down

The mobile industry is undergoing one of the most fundamental changes of recent years. Apple has decided that early 2021, app developers will no longer have access to IDFA by default.
IDFA is a unique device identifier used for ad attribution, retargeting, alike audiences, analytics and other tasks. After the change, in order to receive the IDFA, an app developer must explicitly request the user’s permission (which is similar to allowing push notifications in an app). According to various estimates, the share of users who will provide access to their IDFA doesn’t exceed 10%.
Apple has provided privacy-friendly alternatives for attribution, but they fail to cover even a small fraction of the tasks that teams working on developing and promoting mobile apps currently have.
This shift means that mobile marketing (estimated at $80 billion), and by extension the mobile industry, are about to change drastically. In this essay, we will discuss in detail what will change, how it will affect the main players in the mobile advertising market such as developers, ad systems, attribution service providers, and advertisers.
A short summary of the key changes and implications of iOS 14 release and limiting default access to IDFA
# 1 Access restrictions: In iOS 14, IDFA will only be accessible upon user permission.
IDFA (Identifier for Advertisers) is a unique identifier of an iOS device. It is used in mobile apps for user attribution and tells advertisers where a user came from.
With iOS 14, to be released in early 2021, every app that wants to use an advertising user ID (IDFA) will have to explicitly ask permission from the user.
This will work in the same way as requesting permission to send push notifications.
Request to use IDFA will look like this – the text on the popup will ask: “Would you like to give permission to track you across apps and websites owned by other companies?”
The text is very straightforward, and the button to refuse is located below, making it more convenient to deny access to the IDFA. Most experts agree that 9 out of 10 people will most probably not opt in. After the initial declaration, Apple suggested a milder design for the popup, yet the idea remains largely the same and won’t bring fundamental changes.
Thus Apple is breaking the existing ad traffic attribution infrastructure under the pretext of privacy concerns. And this will affect everyone: ad networks systems, mobile developers, advertisers, and users.
# 2. Lack of access to IDFA will lead to a decrease in the quality of mobile traffic attribution and an increase in the cost of user acquisition.
Previously, mobile developers and ad networks could use the IDFA without the explicit consent of the user. But now, the situation is radically changing:
  1. Without access to IDFA, mobile ad attribution services (Appsflyer, Adjust and others) will no longer be able to trace back a significant portion of mobile traffic. It is important to understand that IDFA is now the primary accurate attribution tool. Appsflyer, Adjust and others will be forced to switch to less accurate and less efficient methods of determining the source of installs (e.g., device fingerprinting).
  2. This will reduce the accuracy of traffic attribution, which will complicate things for companies developing and promoting mobile apps. In the future, it could lead to an increase in the cost of attribution.
  3. We can expect a rise in acquisition costs as accurate targeting will become much more limited. Such popular and effective tools as lookalike audiences and retargeting will now be available only for a small portion of users who agreed to honor a request to provide access to the IDFA or used a relevant email or phone number while signing up.
# 3. Apple presented its own attribution system, but it still doesn’t cover all mobile developers’ needs.
Apple offered the market an alternative, privacy-friendly traffic attribution system. This system makes it possible to send information about installs to advertising networks without explicitly revealing information about the user. But, unfortunately, the capabilities of this system are severely limited and don’t cover basic marketing needs.
One of the biggest problems is that developers and ad systems will no longer have access to user-level data. They will only see aggregated data in the account.
Developers will no longer be able to calculate and segment ROI or link attribution data to product events.
#4. Impact of IOS 14 Changes: rising user acquisition costs, accelerating mobile market consolidation, difficulties for large advertising networks and ad-attribution services
It’s hard to predict the results of this change. But here are some possible scenarios:
If you want to understand in more details what and why will happen, then here is what we will discuss further on:
How traffic attribution works for mobile apps
Traffic attribution helps find out where a particular user came from. This is a critical task for performance marketing, as without high-quality attribution, it is impossible to determine which advertising campaigns are profitable (i.e., are making money) and which are not.
On the web, attribution is tackled in a simple way – we just need to add special parameters (usually utm-parameters) to the ad links leading to the site.
This scheme doesn’t work with mobile apps largely because mobile app stores add an intermediate step to the process and do not provide information about where the user came from.
Another reason is the policy of a number of leading advertising systems on the market. For example, Facebook doesn’t allow you to add any parameters when promoting mobile apps through its ad network.
Therefore, there are other methods for traffic attribution for mobile apps out there. Say you have a mobile app or a mobile game. To acquire users to your app, you purchase ad traffic. This is what happens in order to link ad clicks to an app’s install:
If you are not familiar with this topic, then here is a good essay.
Why IDFA is a central element of mobile traffic attribution
As is evident in the process described above, data about users who click on ads is key to the logic behind mobile traffic attribution systems. The IDFA is the central element of the data collected, and if IDFA is missing, the accuracy of this attribution method will drop dramatically..)
Without IDFA, services will have to rely on fingerprinting, which is significantly less accurate than IDFA. Since IDFA is a unique device identifier, using it allows you to accurately determine the source of the user’s traffic. If you don’t have access to IDFA attribution services, you will have to use fingerprinting.
What is fingerprinting in attribution
Fingerprinting) is a way of obtaining a device ID from a set of indirect attributes. As indirect signs, you can consider such things as the operating system’s version, IP address, operator, time and some other parameters. This identifier should make it possible to tell different users apart and remain unique to each user if possible.
However, fingerprinting is not accurate enough. Thus, as the proportion of users whose IDFA is accessible decreases, the accuracy of mobile attribution will worsen.
Fingerprinting is already used today, but for a rather small proportion of ad traffic. The reason is that some users are already invisible to ad networks (they don’t give access to their IDFA).
In 20166), Apple released LAT (limit ad tracking) that allows iOS users to opt out of targeted advertising by not giving out their IDFA and thus becoming “invisible” to ad networks. This feature is hidden in Settings> Privacy> Advertising, and also appeared when activating a new iPhone. However, even in this inconspicuous way of presenting it, about 30% of all users) turned this option on. The number of invisible users increased from 15% in 2016 to 30% in 2020.
Before iOS 6 (2012), instead of IDFA, there was UDID available, which you couldn’t reset and it was always available. With such a tight bond, each user could be uniquely identified, a privacy nightmare. So Apple introduced IDFA in iOS 6. It is possible to reset it, and it also changes when the device is reset. Meanwhile, IDFA remains constant across different apps on the same device.
To summarize all of the above, IDFA plays a key role in solving the problems of purchasing and attributing ad traffic. The existing ad market is largely dependent on IDFA. It is the one thing that makes this connection between an advertising click and new users in the app. With the release of iOS 14, IDFA will become unavailable for most users, which will change the laws of mobile marketing.
What exactly will change in iOS 14 release
At WWDC 2020, Apple unveiled a new operating system, and at the same time “delighted” the iOS app developer community that now IDFA won’t be a default feature any longer. Instead, the user will control IDFA access for each app by responding to a native popup inside the app. The design might change but the idea will remain the same.
The developer controls when to show this dialog. This means that he has the opportunity to explain to the user what the IDFA is for. It’s the same with push notifications: If you first explain why there is a need to enable them, more users will agree to receive them.
It is worth noting, however, that the IDFA popup will only allow minimal customization: Developers can only change the secondary text. Mind that everything is still subject to change—we will know how everything will actually work only once iOS 14 is released.
Another notable point in the design is that the Ask App Not to Track button is placed lower, which means it is more convenient for the finger to press. The warning itself sounds quite menacing too. All of this is bound to have a negative effect on the conversion to consent.
According to experts, the number of people who allow access to IDFA will drop to about 10%. For users who will not give access to their IDFA, a string of zeros will be provided instead of an identifier.
What is the alternative Apple is offering to replace IDFA and existing attribution mechanisms?
Apple has also presented its own attribution method to the market. To do this, the company created the SKAdnetwork privacy-friendly attribution framework, which allows you to transfer data to advertising networks without violating the privacy of a particular user.
The first version of SKAdnetwork was released in March 2018 in iOS 11.3, but very few used it: attribution through IDFA proved to be much more efficient and gave more data.
Apple’s attribution scheme works in the same way as other MMPs (mobile measurement partner), with some peculiarities. Developers and ad systems don’t have access to user-level attribution data, and only receive it in aggregated form, which dramatically reduces its usefulness since it doesn’t allow calculating ROI by user segment.
Only Apple-authorized ad networks will be able to receive postbacks about attribution. To do this, they will need to register, implement the ad mechanism and handle the postback. Without this, Apple won’t transmit installation data to the ad network.
To send the attribution event, the developers have the updateConversionValue method, which, after the first call, creates a 24-hour window. This is the only period where you can submit additional attribution data, such as install or event value.
Developers often submit data within months after the first attribution such as in products with a strong long-term retention or monetization models that involve subscriptions. In these cases, purchases can happen many months and years after the app’s first launch (which is a long funnel). It is convenient to send such data to ad networks to improve targeting. The 24-hour window severely limits this model. For example, it won’t be possible to register a first-purchase event in a monetization model that involves a trial and subscription (the minimum trial duration is 3 days) .
Event values can be used in different ways. For example, it can be the value of an event, measured in money: a user who came from campaign X bought a subscription for Value. Based on this data, you can improve your targeting. You can also encode the events themselves using value. For example, value = 0 means there was an install, value = 1 indicates the user activated a trial subscription, and so on.
Apple imposes a number of restrictions on Value:
Moreover, not everything can be considered as value, but the one Apple sees possible:
The postback may include a conversion value and the source app’s ID if Apple determines that providing the values ​​meets Apple’s privacy threshold.
There are still no updates in App Store review guidelines, so it’s impossible to figure out what exactly can’t be submitted.
With the release of iOS 14, we should expect an increase in the cost of a user acquisition
Retargeting and lookalike won’t be practically available.
Retargeting is an opportunity to show ads to an audience that has already interacted with a product. For example, a developer can show ads to active users in the app who are not paying customers, or retain those who have stopped using the product. To do this, a developer collects relevant user IDs, uploads them to the ad account and launches ads targeting this audience.
Facebook accepts not only IDFA as identifiers, but also emails, phone numbers and other data associated with a specific person. Thus, retargeting will continue to work if the developer has this additional data and can give it to the ad network.
Facebook has a clear advantage here: By using its large data set from all apps (Whatsapp, Facebook, Messenger, Instagram), the company has to see only one user parameter to get the rest of user IDs, as well as his email and phone number. However, we can’t really tell from Apple’s guidelines whether it is possible to transfer user data for a user who hasn’t enabled tracking. Plus, Apple is promoting its privacy-safe Sign In With Apple authentication method, which developers are required to support along with other authentication methods, limiting the ability to collect this kind of information.
This can also affect the design of mobile apps. Developers can start to force users to sign up before using the product. If you are already fed up with the need to allow cookies on all of the websites you are visiting, then expect something similar to happen in iOS apps.
A similar problem will occur with lookalike audiences, that is, audiences of users similar to a certain other cohort of users. If the audience you use to build a lookalike is small, you won’t be able to build a high-quality lookalike audience.
IDFV
In addition to IDFA, iOS has another identifier – IDFV (identifier for vendor). This identifier remains the same across apps from the same developer, but it differs for different publishers. Therefore, ad networks won’t be able to use it to define a user within the attribution task.
However, due to the fact that the IDFV is the same in the apps of one particular developer, this developer understands which apps each user is using. This is convenient in order to advertise new apps in your other apps. For example, such schemes may be relevant for publishers of hyper-casual games, who often promote new products using cross-promotions in their other apps.
IDFV gives a rather vivid advantage to large publishers over small independent players. Large publishers are also more tolerant towards errors when acquiring paid traffic. In contrast, for small players, unprofitable ad campaigns can have a devastating effect.
These factors can possibly lead to faster consolidation of the mobile market (both horizontal and vertical). Thus we can expect large publishers to acquire small players. These big players will keep the traffic moving within their ecosystem, advertising their apps to their users. But neither ad networks nor MMPs have a place this scheme.
What Mobile Market Leaders Say:
Among the major players in the attribution market, Adjust has been the most vocal about the situation. One of the company’s proposals to Apple is to use IDFA locally on the device for hash counting. The hash is computed using the SHA256 algorithm on the combination of IDFA and IDFV strings. It is transmitted to the server along with the IDFV. Then, the MMP (traffic attribution service) gets the IDFA from ad networks and does the search. If something matches the hash from the device, then attribution takes place.
However, it doesn’t look like Apple will buy into it:
  1. This solution will not anonymize the user data, which means it contradicts Apple’s privacy policy.
  2. This solution still requires IDFA consent (although Adjust probably assumes that in this case neither the developer nor the advertising system receives an explicit IDFA value).
  3. Enumerating hashes is an inefficient computational scheme that requires a lot of resources and time.
At the time of this writing, there are no tools that will allow attribution at the current quality level in the future iOS 14. Adjust, along with other market leaders, has offered a few alternatives. Unfortunately, none of the proposed methods are in line with Apple’s policy and do not offer a quality alternative to IDFA.
When we can expect these changes
iOS 14 will be released in early 2021.
Half of all devices are expected to upgrade by the end of 2020. Since the apps must support the new API to access IDFA, developers will lose access to IDFA immediately after the OS upgrade. They will be able to get it after the update is released and the users give their consent.
This will likely result in a situation where giving access by the users will look like a wave on the graph: a sharp drop in the first months followed by a gradual rise as developers start updating their apps.
Getting ready for iOS 14
Adjust has released an excellent guide on how to get your app ready for iOS 14, starting with understanding which third-party services and SDKs in your app are using IDFA.
To get access to IDFA, the developer needs to ask the users for their consent. Meanwhile, the developer will decide at what point to show the pop-up with a proposal.
This means that before showing the pop-up, you can use custom elements to explain to the user why you need them to open access to IDFA.
Developers have only one chance to ask the user for access to their IDFA, similar to prompting for enabling push notifications. We can expect developers to do their best to explain why they need IDFA before displaying the popup.
The marketing and product analytics sector will suffer the most. It will no longer be possible to access attribution data at runtime. The developers who used the IDFA as their user IDs will also suffer. To keep the analytics working correctly, they will have to change the identifier to IDFV or to an internal ID. Even so, it will be very difficult to maintain consistency with historical data.
What changes to expect in the mobile advertising and attribution market
The global mobile advertising market size stands at 80 billion USD, so we shouldn’t expect it to die or somehow shrink significantly. Companies will continue to acquire users for their mobile apps through paid ads. The question is, how efficiently will they do so? First, it will be more difficult to measure the effectiveness of campaigns. Second, lookalike audiences and retargeting will practically stop working.
At this stage, it is not clear what will happen to the ad traffic attribution market. If only 10% of the audience remains (these are the ones who have agreed to being tracked), will it make sense to use services such as Appsflyer or Adjust? Will it be justified to pay for these services? Apple encloses marketing data within itself and doesn’t want to give any of it away to developers or ad systems. Apple has already been sued because of this.
IOS 14 and restricting access to IDFA is also a big bomber for the ad systems. The mobile market is, in fact, a duopoly dominated by Facebook and Google—they will be hit the hardest.
We can expect accelerated growth in user acquisition costs, as well as consolidation of the mobile market.
In a more distant future, perhaps Google will decide to follow in Apple’s footsteps. Google also has its own LAT (which turns off access to advertising ID) and its own attribution system in the Firebase, which launched a year later after Apple. It is expected that Google will also make the IDFA equivalent unavailable on Android devices in the foreseeable future. This will be quite a kick in the head from Google towards Facebook’s position in the mobile ad market.
However, there are still many questions that were not covered in Apple’s User privacy and Data use guidelines:
In the most pessimistic scenario of all, in the next versions of iOS, Apple will block access to external analytics services to user data and promote its own analytics tools. On the one hand, this preserves the privacy of users, and on the other hand, it makes it difficult to create high-quality products.
This essay was written in collaboration with Vitaly Davydov. Vitaly is the founder and CEO at Adapty (a service for analytics and mobile subscription growth) and Poteha Labs (a machine learning outsourcing). He has been dealing with anything related to mobile marketing and monetization since 2016.
submitted by unab0mber to marketing [link] [comments]


2020.09.16 22:43 dsut22 A background into 674

A background into 674

674/67

A background into 67/674, formerly known as BHB (Brixton Hill Bullies/Brixton Hill Boys) OSG (On Sight Gunners/On Sight Gang) and Marga Road, Brixton Hill, South London.


Clapham Park Estate

Most, if not all drill fans will certainly have heard of the 67 group in drill as it has been extremely active in the drill scene, the fact that South London is pretty much one of the hottest vicinities for gang rivalry, the fact that they are one of if not the most successful drill group and its intense rivalry with certain other South London areas like Clapham, Angell Town in Brixton and Croydon, I've seen many other pages with talk about 67 like the music they produce and more so about who they beef and the discographies that 67 have, but for people new to UK Drill (or who do not know some of the history of the 67 gang) I trust you will find the background to 67, and its actual precursors intriguing. It took me a while to gather information on a group so widely known as other neighbouring London groups. I may do more of these, I could do 417 based in Tooting, NPK based in Northumberland Park and maybe Manor Park based in the Manor Park and Cage area.

Locale


Based around the London Borough of Lambeth, located on some estates in Brixton including Clapham Park, New Park Road, Bruce House, Pearce House and Tilson Gardens with or near the SW2 postal district. Some of their territory has expanded to the Clapham/Clapham Park area of SW2. New Park Road is another name for the gang and they have mainly been seen in South London in Brixton Hill on the Tilson Gardens. They are a very active gang and have been around for over ten years dating back to the BHB/Marga Lane days where drug dealers from Brixton/Brixton Hill would offer people drugs to make money and at a time when now-rivals GAS Gang caused Brixton to be a massive no-go zone in accordance with the great rivalry with Peckham, they are very closely allies with fellow South London area Lower Tulse Hill, they are also one of South London’s most well known and active gangs, stemming even well before the days of 55 and Roupell Park gangs. 674 also go by #67 , #BHB , #OSG , #NewPark , #BrixtonHill. Brixton is known casually as ''Bricky'' by many gang members and by locals.


674/67

The Brixton Hill area borders Streatham Hill (SW2 and SW16), Tulse Hill (SW2), Clapham Common (SW4) and Kennington (SE11). Many of their rivals are based in and around these areas, in particular Angell Town in Brixton and Clapham.
Born from the ashes of old-school South London gang called Marga Road or more commonly known as Brixton Hill Bullies, Brixton and Brixton Hill then saw rap groups form more commonly though in the latter 2000s under the BHB and GAS labels and it quickly became a well known stomping ground for many of South London's well know and rising road rap/trap music talents, most notably Ard Adz, Sho Shallow, Stickz (credited with making the first drill song), Scribz/LD (who was one of the originals in the drill rap scene and vastly considered to be one of the best and some to be the best in the drill genre) and Dimzy. Working under the 67 and BHB/OSG banner through the early 2010s, the gang quickly found a creative style of music on tunes like "I'm OJ I Don't Play" gradually making their presence known into London's road rap/trap rap scene. As the sounds of London's road rap shifted, so did the 67's: their 2010s song ''Skengman'', saw the group delve into U.K.-style road rap/trap, while in the latter 2010's songs like ''Let's Lurk'' and ''Live Corn'', helped to establish 67's presence on the burgeoning drill scene. It was in the 2010's decade that gangs like 67 truly made their mark: working with producers from MKThePlug to M1OnTheBeat and especially Carns Hill whom 67 have been extremely successful with, 67 gradually built a following with their disses to rivals and creative synergy. Marking their songs with the tag #67/OSG, the gang founded their drill collective just as 674, an homage to the OSG initials when punching in the buttons on a trap line, where gang members will have been engaged with this sort of lifestyle and represent it. Alongside their rivals 150, 67 have been vastly credited as the pioneers of the UK drill music genre.
A number of past and current generations of gangs have existed in Lambeth and other London boroughs that associate with the colour red and blue, some of which in the past had also self-identified themselves as Bloods and Crips. One of the first of these was the short lived Cripset from Dorset Road which claimed affiliation to the Rollin 80's Crips in Los Angeles. The gang was most active throughout the mid 2000's and were rivals to 031 Bloods, now know simply as 031 (O-Tray One) based in the Patmore and Hartington estates. This is seen as a massive influence on London from the famous American rival gangs Bloods and Crips.
67 themselves have never claimed Crips or Bloods like some of their rivals have and they have always affiliated with the colour black.
There are a number of other gangs in London which have been linked with the colour red. The 031 Bloods from Stockwell have always used the colour red, whilst the former gang EvaStrap (now known as Reed Road) in the borough of Haringey in which they are located had asubset nicknamed 'Reed Road Cripz' and can still be seen using blue bandanas to this day, this is due to the ongoing American influence.
Some of 674's rivalries have identified with colours themselves such as 150/AD who used to be known as just GAS Gang (Guns and Shanks), identify with the colour purple and also 410 who used to be known as OC/Organised Crime linked with the GAS Gang gang collective, identify with the colour green.

Current beef and alliances


BHB/OSG/Marga Road and the current 67 gang have had some of the same rivalries between gangs but some of the rivalries were rid of and have now become extinct during the current generation of the 67 gang. The current generation of the mass rivalry in Lambeth has overtaken the old school rivalry that was between Brixton and Peckham.
67 allies: KuKu/Black Prince (SE11), Harlem Spartans/HarlemO/Kennington Park (SE11), RP/Roupell Park (SW2), RS (SE1), 417 (SW17), Mitcham (CR4), TeamRaw/M-Block/ABM (All Bout Money) (SW4, SW8 and SW9), 55 (SW16), 86/861/LTH (Lower Tulse Hill) (SW11), Pollards Hill (CR4) AY17 (SE17), Moscow17 (SE17) and Browning17 (SE17).
67 rivalries: 150/AD (Armed and Dangerous) (SW9), 410 (SW9), CMB (SW9), UTH/UpTop (Upper Tulse Hill) (SW2), Cassava/Loughborough Junction/CMG (SW9), 727/SIRU/Siraq (SW9), Worsopp Drive/CT/ClapTown (SW11, SW15, SW18 and SW19), 37/OJB/RPhilly/Block10 (SW11, SW15, SW18 and SW19), FudgeTown (SW17), 28s (CR0), ARs (Armed Response) (SE4), 17/WanoRd/TOG (Tape Off Gang) (SW4), China Walk (SE11), Roadside/Block 5 (SW4), 031/Team Trizzy (SW4) ( and 061 (SE1).
67 on the fence: Zone 2/HitSquad (SE15)
67 fellow Brixton gang: Blenheim Gardens (SW2)

Before 2010


Brixton/Brixton Hill had always had a multi-generational problem with gangs, with each generation taking on their own identity and name. Angell Town Estate, where GAS Gang was formed, has long had problems with gang violence and poverty, previously being home to the gang PDC. In a 2012 Lambeth government report, Angell Town Estate was characterized as "severely deprived in income, employment, heath and crime".
By the early 2000s, PDC, which was the dominant gang in the area at the time, began to fragment due to many of its leaders being imprisoned. Various different groups emerged from this fragmentation, such as the Muslim Boys and Y28s (not to be confused with Y28s that preceded PDC). A member of the PDC Brats (a subset of PDC for the younger members) called Barfah Joof was involved in founding the new Y28s. The Y28s began to form friendships with neighbouring gangs in the area, such as Tiny OC based in Myatts Field, and Murder Zone based in Somerleyton Estate. Y28s and Tiny OC had formed a rivalry with Peckham-based gangs, and at one point gang members were caught unarmed by Peckham gang members, leading to one of their members being stabbed. For a time before the early 2010's GAS and BHB were seen making music together in a loose alliance.
674 initially associated with the colours black (inherited from BHB), although colour associations would begin to be irrelevant by the 2010s. BHB did not inherit any of GAS' rivalries with Stockwell and Peckham-based gangs.
In 2009, a set of BHB/OSG tracks were released showing present day members of 674 and 86/LTH members such as a very young Scribz/LD and Dimzy. BHB also gained its first attention in the music media in 2009, when a road rap was really taking off and when they was a presence of gang-related lyrics in the road rap scene.
GAS Gang's prolific activity led to parts of Brixton becoming a no-go area. By 2012, they were considered one of the most dangerous gangs in South London and outnumbered gangs based in Brixton Hill, with at least 3 murders being committed by GAS gang members from 2010-2012. The local council and police in 2012 believed the gang was responsible for three quarters of violent incidents involving young people in Brixton, with up to eight suspect members of the gang going to jail for attempted murder or murder.
In 2010 several people in Lambeth were shot dead by a groups of gang members in estates, tower blocks and streets, on estates in Brixton, Loughborough Junction and Myatts Fields, South London. It was in reports that youths who committed some murders were members of GAS Gang.
Police reported that Brixton gangs in 2011/2012 were coming together in order to fight back against incursions from Peckham-based gang members, leading to a sort of confederation amongst Brixton gangs while still Angell Town was still retaining the GAS Gang label. This even led to close affiliations between GAS and Murder Zone (MZ), a gang based in Somerleyton Estate who are now known as 727/Siraq. Another gang, Cassava based in Loughborough Junction, decided to merge with GAS Gang and form an alliance against 67/BHB.
Younger generations of the 67/BHB gang came into conflict with the 031 Bloods, G-Street and RSG Blood gangs from Brixton and Stockwell from the late 2000's to early 2010s. It is not known what the exact ignition for the new rivalries was, however, some believe it related to inheriting rivalries from Stockwell allies ABM/Team Raw. Many of the newer and younger recruits to either gangs are unlikely to know why they are rivals with one another – it is just translated simply as “Bloods versus Crips” with most commentators and observers accepting that without probing for a more in depth explanation.
67 allies like ABM had come to identify with the colour blue. Like a number of London gangs who wear blue the motive was because their main rivals had adopted red and the Bloods identity but it was not an affirmation they were Crips and 67's BHB predecessor were not Crips. In London, the majority of gangs who identify with red are uncertified, unofficial, or in a sense fake Blood gangs. In contrast, a smaller proportion of gangs that identify with blue actually claim to be Crips.

2010-present

However, GAS Gang also began to fragment due to leaders of the gang receiving heavy prison sentences, leaving huge holes in their place. Independent factions developed, with some younger members of GAS Gang now referring to themselves as Rockblock 150, and later simply 150/Get Back Gang. whereas some GAS Gang members from Somerleyton Estate now referring to themselves as 727 or Siru/Siraq. The fragmenting also led to infighting between the two new factions. Another split-off occurred around Brixton Road, with a group of GAS Gang youngers forming a new group called Villa Road. 150 would develop a rivalry with Brixton Hill-based group 67. Allegedly a lot of the breakup in relations in Brixton, Tulse Hill, Brixton Hill were all caused by Sneakbo who was a member of GAS Gang, Sneakbo had allegedly snitched on Brixton gang members, especially 5Star who is now a member of Siraq. The murder of Lil Zac/Zac Olumegbon caused problems since he was loved by gang members and was liked by 67 affiliated Mental K and 86/LTH/TN1, Tulse Hill split into Upper and Lower Tulse Hill, those linked with GAS/150 were to become Upper Tulse Hill and those sided with Stockwell and Brixton Hill/67 were to become Lower Tulse hill.
New Park Road has been a very active part of Brixton and gang activity dates back to the 2000s, with members of the estate being quite active in the 2011 London riots.
While they did share a loose alliance with Angell Town and neighbouring estates, making up a faction of GAS Gang, recent years would see the two neighbourhoods split and actively beef. Brixton Hill is even considered different than Brixton which shows how truly split the once united Brixton is.
67 at one point were known to be ruthless, which is why they have been able to successfully battle against many rival gangs surrounding them.
The Lil Zac stabbing was a revenge attack for the stabbing of a GAS member the previous month. Olumegbon was present during the earlier attack. On the morning of Friday 2nd July 2010 eye witnesses described seeing five youths pulling up in a green car and then chasing Olumegbon down the street armed with knives. The car drove alongside the attackers ready to pick them up and quickly escape once In 2011, five prominent members of GAS, Ricardo Giddings (aka Maggy), Helder Demorais (aka Mad H), Jamal Moore (aka JJ, Younger Sneaky, or J-Kid), Shaquille Haughton and Kyle Kinghorn (aka Clickz), were sentenced to a total of 76 years in prison for the murder of rival gang member, fifteen-year-old Zac Olumegbon (also known as Lil Zac) the year prior. This was the start of 150/GAS Gang's conflict with Stockwell-based gang, ABM (All Bout Money) who are down known as TeamRaw/MBlock. Zac was alleged to be a member of TN1 (Trust No-One), which had an allegiance with ABM.
Well known drill artist ReekzMB is a member of TeamRaw and is currently serving a lengthy sentence.
67 overtook the BHB/OSG gang with the youngers and formed in Clapham Park Estate, Brixton Hill, South London, in 2014. They have been known for their 2015 track "Skengman" and ''Let's Lurk'' featuring Peckham-based former SN1/Peckham Boys gang member Giggs, which hit number 66 on the UK Singles Chart, and whose instrumental was used by Michael Dapaah in his 2017 parody track "Man's Not Hot".
In 2014, Scribz was issued an Anti-Social Behavioural Order that banned him from making and performing music for two years. In 2016, Scribz's ASBO order came to an end and then he released a tune called Wicked and Bad in which he sent for opposing gangs 150,17 and CT who are all linked to each other. He also mentions in this song that him (Scribz) and LD are one and the same person. In 2017, he was jailed for possession of a knife.
The group has been labelled a "criminal gang" by the police, and had their first UK tour shut down. In July 2018, Dimzy shared an open letter accusing the police and media of "scapegoating" their music.
In 2019, R6 and others were arrested for running a county line; the group was sentenced to a combined 61 years.
They are best known for their 2016 track "Lets Lurk". They were nominated for Best Newcomer at the 2016 MOBO Awards.
A 674 member named Incy was today jailed for 12 years over the killing of a gang member and a student by the name of Dwayne Simpson whose road name was SQ, who was attacked in a fight as he tried to protect his friend. Incy who was 21 at the time, stabbed SQ in the heart after he intervened when he saw a friend being chased along Brixton Road.
The Old Bailey heard Julienne-Clarke and Mr Simpson were involved in a "long-running dispute". - The Standard. This points to the beef between 67 and 150 which is known to many people including the police.
SQ, 20 at the time of his killing, was a former student at Lambeth College, he followed Incy in his car on the afternoon of February 25 before getting out and confronting him. However Incy was jailed under a manslaughter charge for twelve years.
''Rhianna Addison, 19, from Brixton, was acquitted of assisting an offender and perverting the course of justice. Two other people - a 41-year-old woman and an 18-year-old man - remain on bail after being arrested on suspicion of assisting an offender. Three other boys, all aged 16, were released with no further action following Mr Simpson's death.'' - The Standard
''Detective Inspector Nathan Eason, who led the investigation, said: "Dwayne senseless killing has caused immense suffering to his family and friends.'' - The Standard
"This has been a difficult and complex investigation and officers wish to pass on their gratitude to those members of the community that provided assistance." - The Standard
In the 2010's, many police officers and undercover police offers were involved in investigations on the homes and roads of 674 gang members across their territory. Leading to raids that were conducted in and around Clapham Park Estate, with 674 Gang being specifically targeted. It was known to police and locals that 674 had expanded their drug dealing operations across the UK with contacts in Basingstoke, Southampton, Bedfordshire, Reading and Bracknell. The gang was also linked to knife crime, gun crime, stabbings, and attempted attacks on neighbouring rivals. Dimzy had his arm broken by the police in around 2016/17. CRose, ASAP, LD, R6, SJ, Liquez, Incy, Giant and Monkey have all had charges either murder, firearms, county lines and knife charges put against them. The most recent drug charges against the group was in 2019.
Giant killed a member of CT by the name of Stompz and received a life sentence.
Liquez's brother was killed by Rondo and Squeezy in Clapham and both received life sentences.
submitted by dsut22 to ukdrill [link] [comments]


Dating Is Dead  Kevin Carr  TEDxWilmingtonSalon - YouTube CASUAL DATING TIPS FROM A LESBIAN Casual Dating vs Relationships (does he see you as wife material?) Casual Dating Tips For Men 5 Rules for Casual Dating Adult Dating Affairs and Dating CASUAL SEX? NEVER AGAIN!!! - YouTube CASUAL DATING Official Trailer TheCasualLounge - AT - Elite Casual Dating made for you! The 10 Most Frustrating Things About Casual Dating How To Go From Casual To Committed  Dating Advice for ...

  1. Dating Is Dead Kevin Carr TEDxWilmingtonSalon - YouTube
  2. CASUAL DATING TIPS FROM A LESBIAN
  3. Casual Dating vs Relationships (does he see you as wife material?)
  4. Casual Dating Tips For Men
  5. 5 Rules for Casual Dating Adult Dating Affairs and Dating
  6. CASUAL SEX? NEVER AGAIN!!! - YouTube
  7. CASUAL DATING Official Trailer
  8. TheCasualLounge - AT - Elite Casual Dating made for you!
  9. The 10 Most Frustrating Things About Casual Dating
  10. How To Go From Casual To Committed Dating Advice for ...

Hi Beautiful people, here are 3 personal rules to avoid catching feelings while casually dating in 2018. We've all been there. We're casually dating someone and then BAM feelings start to hit u ... Published on Jul 27, 2018 “Casual Dating” tells the story of Alexander Watson (Michael Lake), an awkward yet affable young professional trying to recover from a failed engagement. Published on Jun 15, 2018. TheCasualLounge ist die einzige Casual Dating Plattform, auf der Männern passende Vorschläge gemacht werden, Frauen aber individuelle Suchmöglichkeiten und ... Channel Sponsor: You're showering anyways, so why not buy handmade soap from a sponsor that supports the creation of my content. Use code 'COOPER' at checkou... I'm not mad at those who do, but I've tried it....and tried and tried and tried it. But ya know what, I'm done. Y'all can have it! T-shirts and Books: http:/... Casual dating is one of the easiest ways to hang out with people without the obligations or commitments of a relationship. To have casual date, visit website - https://www.affairsanddating.co.uk ... Despite the possibilities of modern technology, the desire for instant results does not always translate well in the dating world. Kevin Carr contrasts the e... CASUAL DATING vs. RELATIONSHIP: How do you even know if you and your guy are casual dating vs friends with benefits? Were now in a millenium where casual dating vs serious dating has morphed into ... Mat Boggs shares dating advice for women and how to move a relationship from casually dating, to exclusive and committed! Get More Great Tips - SUBSCRIBE! ht... Should You Have Casual Sex When You're Looking For a Serious Relationship - Duration: 4:55. Evan Marc Katz 5,816 views